I am not okay right now. Any kind of large life change or being in a state of uncertainty is any instant recipe for high levels of anxiety and the absolute depths of my depression. I knew going into this that that would be the case and I did my best to prepare for it but, nevertheless, here it is. Anxiety affects every part of how I communicate. It makes phone calls damn near impossible. It's difficult to send an email or a text or an instant message because anxiety tells me that the people I want to talk to aren't really my friends and don't care. When someone doesn't get back to me quickly, my anxiety tells me that that's the proof that they don't really want to talk to me. When they do talk to me, my anxiety tells me it's just because they're being nice, not because they really want to talk to me. When an online conversation naturally trails off, my anxiety tells me that it's because I was being boring. I am incapable of allowing others to help me and see me as weak. I know that, on occasion, this makes me completely insufferable to well-meaning family and friends who just want to help. I'm sullen and moody, I'm angry and irritable, I cry at the drop of a hat over absolutely nothing, I get easily overwhelmed and overstimulated in crowd-type situations, I oscillate between not eating and bingeing obscene amounts of sugar, I sleep in, I nap too much, I stay up until 2 am every night, I isolate, and I very rarely want to talk about it. I'm also trying my hardest to get myself out of it. I process everything very internally and really need my space to grieve, find acceptance, and push forward with what needs to get done. I know that a lot of people find it hard to see someone they care like this but I get so tired of people telling me how I should feel, what I should do, who I should focus my time and energy on. I already have a concerned mother, I'm not exactly looking for additional applicants. I am the expert of me and it's okay to not be okay right now.
It's okay because I'm sad about leaving clients I cared about and a job I really wanted to be doing. It's okay because I am lonely because the relationships I rely on the most and make me feel at ease are now a few hours away. It's okay because this time of year is difficult for me due to losing multiple people I care about to suicide. It's okay because I worry that I'll never be able to catch up financially. It's okay because I have to accept that pursuing further education could alter the other accomplishments I thought I'd be trying to pursue in my late 30s. It's okay because I sometimes fear that I will never be in a stable and loving intimate relationship. It's okay because I'm worried about how much longer it will take to get a new job and be able to live on my own again. It's okay because I'm doing the best I can.
I am trying to take this time to make plans for nurturing the kind of life I want to have rather than the one I keep settling for. I want to have a better work/life balance: to find work that is actually fulfilling, to take my lunch breaks, to utilize my vacation time. I want to improve my physical health: to get my migraines under better control, to get back to a point where I can run for a half hour without stopping, to be more conscientious of the food I'm putting in my body, to not be in as much physical pain. I want to where clothes that make me feel good because they're comfortable or they make me feel pretty or they make me feel like me and to stop worrying so much about what other people think about what I'm wearing. I want to do things that make me happier: listening to music, singing, playing with puppies or baby goats, baking, being in nature, chasing that elusive adrenaline high, dancing until my feet hurt, staying up too late because I was enjoying the company of friends more than surrendering to sleep. I want be better about nurturing relationships with the people who give me a feeling of home: the ones that tell me they're proud of me, the ones that tell me they love me even when I'm at my worst, the ones that always encourage my growth, the ones who give hugs that give me strength, the ones who hold my hand when it's too hard to say how I feel, the ones who make me feel loved and respected and like family.
I'm not okay right now but at some point I know I will be.
A small disclaimer. If you are someone who has tried to hard to make me feel better, I'm not mad at you, I just want you to understand why it might not work the way you hoped. If you're someone that waited a couple of days to get back to me, I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, get back to me when you can, my anxiety brain is my own responsibility and something I have to battle with on my own. If you're someone I have neglected or been short with, I'm not trying to make excuses for my behavior, I totally own that I can be a real dick sometimes when the anxiety monster takes over, I hope I'm able to make it up to you when I find my way to the other side.
