Stasis

That's really the only word that describes my life over the last four years. Back when I moved to North Carolina, I was determined not to put down roots when I planned on coming back to Chicago as soon as I finished my program. I tried to distance myself from people, refused to step anywhere near romantic entanglements, and avoided getting involved in anything I could get too attached to. It didn't last. My classmates were too interesting and lovable, there were so many affordable things to do and try, I was tired of waiting to have a life. I still miss my friends, my gym, my lack of allergies, never being overly cold. 

I really miss the confident and active person I became. I really intended to keep being her when I returned to Chicago. I lost a lot of myself that year and I was miserable. I was in an abusive work environment that didn't pay enough to live in Chicago, let alone have any kind of life outside of work. And I was too emotionally burned out to get my head above water. I found myself getting swallowed up by my friends with stronger personalities. Everyone kept telling me who I should be, how I should be handling my life, which people I should spend my time with. And I disappeared. I stopped making plans, stopped returning text messages, and spent more and more nights shut away in my bedroom with my dogs. And at the end of a year, I left. I had big plans for deep academia, home ownership, regaining some of my lost confidence and rejoining the people who don't hide in their houses every weekend. I tried to make a clean break with my Chicago life. Cut off dating relationships. Put up stronger boundaries where they were needed. I didn't want anything to keep me anchored to a place that just wasn't working for me anymore.

The week before I moved, I tripped into a new relationship and lost the ability to close the door on that chapter of my life. At first, I really tried to set up a life back in Champaign. I got jobs. Eventually, I got an apartment. I made local friends and professional connections. But I spent the next three years living in two worlds and never having a foot firmly in either of them. I got a good job, the pandemic began, I got an apartment, I left my job and started my PhD program, I left my PhD program and found an even better job. And then everything went to hell. In a matter of just a few weeks, I had to put down my dog, my dad had a debilitating stroke, and I made the decision to stop trying to have a relationship with someone who wasn't putting in the effort. In a matter of a few days I found myself walled in by becoming my father's full-time caregiver when I should be exploring life outside the boundaries of intimate relationships. 

It's been difficult to find balance with all of the changes. Most of my closest friends live a significant drive time away and several other relationships that I had previously thought were solid have been on shaky ground. I have difficulty trusting that people actually want to spend time with me and my rejection anxiety keeps me from reaching out to initiate plans. It's a terrible cycle of loneliness. And it's become more obvious that because I've spent so much of my life building my home in other people that it has become impossible for me to feel at home in any place. I moved into this apartment nearly four years ago and I have yet to hang most of my art on the walls. I left Chicago almost five years ago and I have yet to fully participate in a life where I am. 

I'm trying. Trying to cook more at home and to get involved in my baking again. I'm finding ways to make my home feel more permanent than transitory. I'm looking for the right career goals that will help me move forward professionally. Clearly I've opened the door back up to writing again. And I've begun to explore my options to get back into hobbies that I care about: gymming, archery, judo, horseback riding, etc. I started by signing up for ballroom dance lessons. Some of them are a bit below my paygrade (I could really teach the beginning Swing lessons) but it's good to just move to music again and to new people. One rock step at a time.

adaptation

Why do we change ourselves for others?

I've never been one to care much about what people thought about me. I refuse to hide my tattoos or my undercut. I enjoy dying my hair unnatural colors whenever the mood strikes me. I don't think that wearing makeup or less comfortable shoes makes me any more professional or better at my job. I'm very open about my polyam and queer identities. I am very passionate, I am loyal to a fault, I love with my whole being. I won't keep my mouth shut when something is important to me and I've been known to literally hulk out (minus the turning green part) when faced with injustice and bigotry. I am wholeheartedly dedicated to being my authentic self at all times. This hasn't always ingratiated me in professional and educational settings. On occasion, I even think that my overexuberance about things I'm passionate about can make my friends and family embarrassed of me or even put off. People think I don't see it, but I notice more than I let on. It has always been a point of pride with me that I refuse to change who I am on behalf of other people's discomfort, no matter how much it can hurt my feelings at times. And to be completely honest, I sometimes find myself disappointed in friends who I believe have a strong sense of self but immediately dim their shine to make their family members or coworkers more comfortable. 

Oddly, enough this entire philosophy seems to get thrown immediately out the window when I've found myself in more intimate relationships. I find it difficult to confront the people I love when they've hurt me. It is damn near impossible for me to make my own needs known. I have never once used a safe word. I struggle setting boundaries and saying no. There are only a handful of people I feel comfortable being completely vulnerable with in person. The most important and dearest dreams I had, I only shared with people that proved my trust in them wrong. And now I don't trust my instincts enough to trust the right people and I don't trust myself enough not to adapt who I am out of fear of losing someone.

I don't know how we keep ourselves from maladapting in this way. My current solution has been to pull the walls in tighter. These days, I keep the inner circle smaller. I don't date at all anymore and I don't think I ever will again. They might not be the best coping skills, but they're all I can trust now.

Isolation and escapism

I call my mom, she said to get it off my chest

Remind myself the way you faded 'til I left

I cannot be your friend, so I pay the price of what I lost

And what it cost, now that we don't talk

 - TSwift

It's been a long time since I've been able to sit down and write anything meaningful. Most times, I sit down to make a start and get overwhelmed. My draft folder is full of barely started blog posts. The only way I know how to write is by opening an artery and I've found myself stuck in a trap with no extra blood to spill for months, maybe years now. I'm trying to find my way back out again. The turmoil of my life over the past few years has been unbearable at times. I need to write if I'm ever going to be able to move forward again, so here is where I will attempt to make a start. I'm not looking for pity or answers, just looking to cleanse some of the bad feelings out so maybe I can let some good ones in.

The pandemic really did a number on everyone, I'm not particularly special in that sense, but it set off a chain reaction of events that have truly changed nearly every piece of my life. The past three years have held tremendous amounts of loss, extreme burnout, and a complete identity crisis. I left the PhD program I'd worked so hard to get into because I just couldn't produce the quality of work I wanted to under the time constraints, my mental and physical health has gone pretty off the rails, I had to put down my sweet crazy tiny dog, my dad had a stroke and I became his sole caregiver (he now lives with me), my relationship ended and I also lost the chosen family that had been attached to it. With the constant personal hits, I've been pretty insular and isolated. I've lost contact with most of the people who I always had considered my dearest friends. While I was drowning in the loss of my dreams, my identity, and a future I thought I was headed toward, everyone else's lives were moving on without me. Out of sight, out of mind, I've always thought I was the friend everyone forgot about the second I walked out of the door. Maybe it's true. Maybe me hiding away and not reaching out to anyone made them think I didn't care anymore. I'm too scared to find out what's really true and I've been burned too many times lately to reach out and get rejected again. It has always been one of the greatest disappointments in my life that no matter how deeply you love another person, you cannot make them reciprocate. Doesn't matter the type of love, friendships, lovers, even family, I very frequently find myself caring more and in way deeper than others are capable of meeting halfway. I know it's unrealistic to hold people to the same standards as I do myself, but I always end up with hurt feelings and wounded pride. It's all taken a big toll on me. I can't get excited about baking or cooking. I hate the holidays now, especially Thanksgiving which used to be so special to me. I feel restless and paralyzed in nearly every aspect of life. I know I've let down a lot of people and I have no idea how to fix it. I waffle between staying at home alone stuck in own mind or keeping so busy that I'm too tired to think of how much it all hurts. 

I have been living inside books for as long as I can remember. They've always been an escape from a world that isn't always kind. In a world where I never really felt that I fit in, books always accepted me as I was and helped me to not feel quite so alone. In the past few years, I've taken a hard veer into romance novels. Perhaps because I've been excruciatingly lonely or because love and happy endings have always seemed so impossible to hold onto. Indulging in my favorite werewolf smut or dreaming of a life so far away while immersing myself in tales set in Scotland. Books where everyone has compatible kinks, where fit men aren't turned off by a curvy girl who likes to eat, people travel to new places and meet the people that call to their souls, and perfect polyam relationships that don't end with someone getting crushed. 

In books, when a character loses the person they love, they always say they don't regret it and that they would still do things the same way even knowing how it ends. I've been having a hard time wrapping my mind around that concept. Sometimes it's hard to read through the conflicts and tension that are inevitable in books that are completely wrapped in high emotions. It can make me physically uncomfortable because I need so badly for everything to end happily, for everyone to talk out their problems and work through their issues, to fight for something worth fighting for. Because in my life, no one has ever once fought for me. The loss of two of the people I love most in this world is a blow that still sometimes hurts so much I can hardly breathe through the pain. I have no closure and I've spent too much time analyzing everything I did or said that could have pushed them away. It's hard to read books about love when you no longer believe that it exists. It's hard to read books that accurately describe the comfort of subspace when you know you won't trust anyone with that part of you again. It's hard to read books about chosen families when mine walked away. I've packed those parts of myself away now. The parts that I don't trust with anyone else. Dreams that now seem foolish. I go through the motions of holidays I am no longer capable of enjoying. Do my guts have shit for brains? Do I live in a fantasy world because I've read too many HEAs? Perhaps. Maybe I should try harder not to lose myself by escaping in books. But the world is an unfair place. Everyone doesn't get a happily ever after. Every ending doesn't get wrapped up in a neat little bow. All the questions don't get answered. Sometimes it hurts too much to face the cold alone. And so...I read.

If you also need to lose yourself in a fake reality, here are some recommendations:

• Literally anything by Emily Henry but especially Book Lovers and Happy Place. She has been on Amazon's top 20 romance books for four years running now for a good reason. The way she build tension is delicious and she has this disturbing habit of writing down things that I've thought in my head but never said out loud. Her books capture really strong emotions I've had to deal with over the past few years. 
• The Nights in Bliss, Colorado/Texas Sirens series by Lexi Blake. Fair warning, these books focus on ménage relationships and pretty serious BDSM, they can be pretty filthy if you've never been part of the scene. But they're truly sexy and always leave you wanting more.
• The Enchanted Highlands series by Tricia O'Malley. This one is pretty new, three books are out so far and number four is due on my Kindle in January. It's been a long time since I've been so anxiously waiting for the next book in a series. This book is set in Scotland and has some great fantasy aspects: kitchen witches, brownies, unicorns, kelpies, and even a ghost Highland coo. It's delightful. 
• The Black River Pack series by Rochelle Paige. This is the start of three different shifter series set in the same universe and it is some good supernatural storytelling.
• I also love the following authors: Aurora Rose Reynolds (I've literally read everything she's written and have all of her upcoming stuff pre-ordered), Kendall Ryan, Lexi Buchanan, Stacey Lynn, Kelly Moran, Lexi Ryan, Mignon Mykel, Mari Carr, Kait Nolan

when to walk away (part 2)

 As promised, here is the follow-up to my last post. The pandemic has made it very clear to me which relationships matter most but it also gave me a very clear picture of how I choose to spend my time. Which activities did I miss the most? What work was I able to find purpose in? How will I find joy in the way I spend my time moving forward? 

Some of those answers have been easy to find. I desperately missed being physically active. I hated not being able to go see new movies at the movie theatre. I missed long brunches and our big group dinners at Quartino's. I didn't really miss large social gatherings but I did miss small gatherings of select friends. I didn't miss driving ALL THE TIME but I missed traveling. I didn't really miss LARPs but I missed game nights, table top, and camping. 

However, some of my answers were only found after a lot of kicking and screaming and large doses of denial. The one thing that became more and more glaringly obvious was that I was not enjoying the work I was doing. I have been straight up miserable for the past year. I kept trying to tell myself it was because I was going to school during a pandemic. I had really hoped that once I was vaccinated and able to see the people I loved again that I would find some inner peace and be able to focus and produce more efficiently. None of those things were true. The truth is that my PhD program is not a good fit and all of the things I would have to do to get a professor position and gain tenure are things that take away from how I really want to focus my energies in my career. When I left my job as a therapist in Chicago, one of the huge things I was seeking was a better work-life balance and, over the past year, all I have been doing is work and it has been killing me. 

The big reveal is still so hard for me to talk about. Even though there is no doubt in my mind that I've made the right decision for me, it still feels like a failure to admit it to the world. Before the semester began, I withdrew from my PhD program. By the end of this week, I will be starting back with extra help at the university while I plan my next moves (along with my several side hustles with the church, my aunt, and my sister).  There is a very high likelihood that that will mean moving back to the Chicago area once I've found a good fitting job. It is highly unlikely I will be living directly in the city because Max and I need space and quiet that we just can't find there. I will be looking for jobs where I have more focus on individual students: academic advising, counseling, etc. I will very likely continue my research and writing on my own terms and I will probably still apply to present at conferences once I've landed on a bit more solid ground. And hopefully I'll be able to find a meaningful life somewhere in there where I get to do work that matters and still have time to do activities that replenish my spirt and spend time with the people I love the most. 

when to walk away (part 1)

Last month, I had a great week visiting several of my people in the north and finally getting to put my arms around people I haven't been able to see in WAY too long. It gave me a lot to be grateful for but also led to a lot of really deep conversations about what we had learned from being stuck at home for the past year and especially how we now saw what things and people were most important to us. There's a big part two coming about the former but today's post is about the latter.

A common theme that came up was the transactional nature of relationships and reevaluating your priorities, really looking at which relationships you desperately wanted to reconnect with and which ones no longer serve you. It also led to some serious thinking on my part about why so many people struggle to walk away from those relationships and insist on dragging them with them to the detriment of all parties involved. Why would we rather cause the other person more harm by refusing to allow them to move on because we don't want to hurt their feelings? How frequently do we stay with a partner even though our needs are no longer being met? How many times do we hesitate to hit the "unfriend" button even though we have made every attempt to distance ourselves from a friendship that has run its course? Why do we continue to show up to family social events even when our families don't respect our boundaries and make us feel badly about ourselves? And, on the other side, how many relationships have we allowed to sink before they even get started? How often do we self-sabotage because we are so stuck in our past failures? Why do we push away the people we love because we're afraid to grow up, be happy, succeed, or take risks? Why do we keep telling ourselves that we are too flawed and will never find love and happiness?

Toxic relationships aren't only defined by overt abuse and can be intimate partner relationships, friendships, and even family. Some of these won't apply to all types of relationships but here are some of my observations of red flags that may indicate that is time to move on:

• Apathy about spending time together
• Constantly forgetting to include the other person or deliberately leaving them out of plans
• Being disparaging and bossy rather than encouraging and supporting the other person to become their best self
• A lack of consideration for the other person's time, plans, and desires
• Refusal to recognize or respect when the other person is feeling hurt or uncomfortable
• Severe inequity in one or more areas of your shared life (financial, emotional, labor, sexual, planning, etc)
• Conflicting life goals (kids, careers, living expectations)
• Refusing to make compromises
• Completely sacrificing a sense of self for the other person
• Disrespecting boundaries
• Poor communication/intimacy/vulnerability
• Inability to understand each other's love languages

You have to actively choose the people you surround yourself with. If you stay in relationships because it's comfortable and struggle to find more positives than negatives, you are only doing yourself and the other person a huge disservice. Sometimes walking away is the real kindness. 

aloneness

 I've been finding a lot of comfort lately in ASMRtists on YouTube. It's soothing to my anxiety and sometimes helps me sleep. A few of my favorites occasionally do pick your pile tarot readings. Recently, one of them hit me over the head with the pile I picked. She talked about yearning for how things have been in the past and the need to find comfort with aloneness. 

The straight up truth is I have always had conflict with aloneness. 

Don't get me wrong, I love living on my own. I am a very independent person. I like being the only person that determines my schedule. When I eat, when I sleep, when the dogs go out, what I do with my free time, how often I clean. Any time I have lived with anyone in the past, I have never been comfortable and I always felt like the space was never actually mine and that the other people judged my habits, judged my eating, judged my dogs for barking or being too hairy, didn't clean or eat or function in ways that felt compatible with my own, made me feel unwelcome or like a burden. I end up spending a lot of time hiding in my room so I'm not in the way. A lot of that is probably my own asshole brain telling me mean things that aren't true but it's still how I felt.

However, on the other end of the swinging pendulum is a very deep fear that I will die alone. I mean, obviously I know that I will have friends and people that care about me, but I have always wanted a family of my own. A partner that loves me, is involved, supports my dreams, and wants to come along when it's time for fun. Children, I've always desperately wanted to be a mother. But the closer I get to 40, the more I wonder if I will ever get those things or if I will ever have is my career and my dogs. 

This pandemic has been doing a hell of a number on this particular fear of mine. I have spent so much time alone and it feels like it will never end. It's really hard to see friends that have partners they get to see every day, families they get to share their lives with, people who have made an effort to have a quarantine bubble with the people they love. It is hard not to take it personally when it feels like no one wants you to be part of their bubble. And logically, yes, I know that the people I love are probably just being smart, being safe, trying to protect me, trying to protect themselves. But a good friend reminded me lately that logic has nothing to do with emotions. And emotionally I feel so abandoned. The holidays are coming and I'd really rather hibernate and pretend they're not happening because facing them this way is just so very painful and it is really hard to believe there is any hope at the end of this very long, very dark tunnel. 

No, I'm not sure I will ever find comfort in aloneness. 

my quarantine struggles

So, I just wanted to touch on some shit that I have been dealing with during this quarantine. I want to have a record of it but I also find it really hard to reach out and talk to people individually about it. This is easier somehow. A lot of this is going to be my personal struggle bus but I promise there is some positivity at the end if you stick with it.

grief
At the very beginning, when we were just preparing to work from home, I got the news that a longtime friend and mentor had passed away. Bob ran the Creative Dramatics Workshop in Sidney, Illinois and I spent a great deal of my teenage years performing in some truly incredible shows in a tiny little church with other small town teenagers. Bob always wanted to push me past the ingenue rolls that I gravitated toward and into more challenging parts that were more suited to my personal acting style. He taught me how to get out of my own way on stage and be in the moment. It's where I met some amazing friends and where I met my first husband (however terrible that turned out to be). The last time I saw him was January 2019. I was helping to run the kitchen at my aunt's annual madrigal dinner and took a break during a lull to go out and say hello to my old friend. He was so happy to see me and catch up however briefly. It has been difficult to deal with his passing and I know many of us feel a little cheated that we have to delay being able to grieve together outside of facebook.

betrayal
I have briefly mentioned this on the facebooks and it's easy enough to find in the local news if you know where I went to high school. A high school teacher was recently arrested on charges of child pornography and also admitted to sexual encounters with former students. I am not easily shocked, in my line of work, it's a luxury you can't afford. But I could not have seen this coming in a million years. I really liked and respected this man and valued his support in recent years. Our school community has really come together to support each other through this but it's still hard to cope with the dialectic that someone you felt a close bond with could do something so terrible and that you could be so unaware.

dog stress
My dogs have been giving me a fair amount of stress of their own. First Penelope got sick, wouldn't eat, vomiting, diarrhea, but the vet didn't find anything. While the stomach ick resolved itself, she still has been really reticent about eating. I think her teeth are bothering her, there's definitely one that needs pulled, but I don't really think now is the best time to bring her in for that kind of procedure. She's also just been cranky and extra barky lately. Following that, Max had a bout of the stomach ick and, let me tell you, when a 65 pound dog throws up in his crate, it is no joke. Luckily, the vomit was a one-time thing but getting him past the diarrhea took the better part of two weeks. His allergies are also bothering him so I have to keep a close eye on his ears to make sure they're not getting infected. He has also had an uptick in anxiety since we've all been home ALL THE TIME and cannot figure out the routine. Every work day, at 11:45 am and 4:45 pm he loses his shit and starts barking hysterically. It's starting to wear on me and I really don't know what to do about it. On top of all that, mom and David discovered a tick on one of their dogs (not a thing we're used to seeing in our area of town) and so now we're worrying about that.

anxiety
It's topping out right now. It takes me ages to get to sleep and, once I do, I can't sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time. I'm having frequent nightmares and a lovely resurgence of panic attacks. And, as it turns out, when I wear a face mask in public, my mirror neurons connect my restricted breathing with: you guessed it, more panic attacks. I cannot settle down to any kind of mindfulness routine and literally sobbed my way through the last time I attempted a loving kindness meditation. Despite the fact that I am a therapist and I know all of the things I "should" be doing, I am not doing the best at functioning.

touch starvation
If you don't know by now that I pretty much live fueled by hugs, then you probably don't know me very well. My family is not super huggy to begin with but because my mom's partner is an essential worker and my sister would be a high risk case if she contracted this, we've all been avoiding any physical contact whatsoever. Add in that the person I usually rely on for hugs and snuggles lives three hours away and I have no idea when I will get to be in the same room as them again, I am really not doing well. Max of course is always up for snuggles but it is not remotely the same.

bodies are the worst
If you're easily squicked by body stuff, you may want to skip this part. Some people may not be in the know but back in 2013 I was diagnosed with uterine fibroid tumors after a two week period that included bleeding through super tampons in an hour. Since that time, they have been mostly okay with the occasional month of grossness. However, since about April of last year I have seen in a major increase in uterine awfulness with extended and extremely heavy periods. Around November/December it seemed to right itself again and I was feeling less stressed about it. WRONG. As of today, I have been bleeding for 33 days, there were 2 or 3 days where it had reduced to mild spotting and I was fooled into thinking it had gone, and then it comes back with a vengeance. I am having a serious increase in migraines and dizziness and, just to add to the fun, I've been having major hot flashes the past few days. I am incredibly concerned about my personal health and do not currently have the insurance to be able to deal with this. If we were not in the middle of a pandemic, I would just give Planned Parenthood a call but, oh hey, they're closed right now. I have a lot of panic surrounding this. Partly because I have some serious medical trauma from a procedure I had when I first got diagnosed but largely because I desperately want to have kids and don't know that I will ever have the financial capability to do it through alternative means. I spend way too much time ruminating on this particular topic.

triggers
One thing that I rarely discuss with others is my abusive ex. It took me several years after the relationship ended to realize how bad it had been. He frequently took my car for work/rehearsal/whatever and left me in our apartment with no way of leaving. I realize now that it was his way of controlling how I spent my time. I remember the breaking point was when I wanted to go to the suburbs for the weekend for a dear friend's birthday party and him throwing a fit and telling me how awful I was for taking MY CAR. Even after I finally ended the relationship, he invited all of our local friends out for his own personal pity party. I bet you'll never guess what he drove to get there... Needless to say, being stuck in the house for weeks on end has really triggered those old feelings of helplessness and I am doing my best to sit with those feelings of discomfort and remind myself that this is temporary.

missing my people
I was supposed to be driving north next weekend for my monthly retreat and a weekend with two of my favorite people, my chosen family. They have been supportive in so many ways and getting to spend even a few days a month with them has often been the only thing getting me through a lot of the past year with all of its difficulties. It's a place where I feel really listened to, heard, understood, and never judged. Not to mention the aforementioned hugs and snuggles. The uncertainty of when I will get to leave my house and see them again is not something I am even remotely okay with. When they finally lift this damn shelter at home order, I am immediately taking a few days off of work and spending a long weekend with the people I wish I got to see every day instead of once a month.

no side hustles
While I've been making the majority of my money from a full-time extra help gig at the university, I have been supplementing income with side hustles: doing some consulting/acting work at the School of Social Work's simulation lab and being a section leader and assistant to the music director of a church choir. Clearly both of these gigs are shutdown at the moment and I really miss the work, the people, and am super bummed about missing out on all of the extra cash I was going to be making during holy week with all of the extra Easter services.

From here, I'm going to add in some of the things that have been good.

reconnecting
When I moved to North Carolina, I fell out of contact with one of my cousins that I had always been super close to. I knew she was going through a lot but couldn't seem to get her to return a text or a phone call and I felt really sad that I had lost someone I cared about so much. A couple of weeks ago, she reached out and called me. We talked for a couple of hours, cleared the air, and I was so happy to just hear her voice.

internet
Let me just make clear how incredibly grateful I am for all of the many ways the internet makes it possible to connect with people these days. Mom and I are able to continue our cocktail nights with a few of the members of faculty of the School of Social Work. The group of friends that I go to Dragon Con with (from Alabama, Texas, Utah, Washington) have been having weekly video calls and even get to play games together. My Saturday evening consisted of several hours on discord with my LARP tribe, drinking, talking shit, and enjoying each other's company like we always do.

work
While my job is ten times harder to do while working from home, I am just so incredibly grateful that they didn't just drop my extra help contract when we got the work from home orders. They set up my personal laptop with VPN and remote desktop and we make it work the best way we can. I'm also in the last stages of the interview process for the permanent position and am optimistic that I will hear a positive result. This would be a big deal for me financially and would help solve the previously referenced insurance problems so I could maybe deal with some of my health issues before they escalate.

big news
I also have some exceedingly huge news that I am not ready to post on the internet yet. It is something that I have been working really hard for and that I had started telling myself was just not going to happen. It's been a bit of a shock and a major readjustment because I had already started working on my plan b. I have gotten to tell a lot of people personally but I don't want to jinx any of the other irons I have in the fire by putting it in a public forum. If you don't know but you want to, just email/DM/call/text me and I'll be happy to fill you in.

For now, I'm going to attempt to get a couple of hours of sleep before I inevitably wake myself up again at 4 am. I am trying my best to maintain a positive attitude and hope for a turnaround soon but just know that no matter how long it takes, I fucking love your face and can't wait until I get to give you an uncomfortably long hug.

vulnerability

It may seem surprising that someone who blogs for the whole world to read to admit that they have difficulty with vulnerability but I do. Blogging often seems like the safest way to talk about my difficulties, typically less than 50 people read one of my posts and they almost never comment so I don't have to read in someone's face that they find my troubles annoying. I spent a great deal of the past year being criticized by my supervisor for "not being vulnerable enough" but then having any problems I did talk about used against me. I often see my vulnerabilities as weaknesses and reasons for the people I care about to leave me even though I have no evidence proving that this is the case.

I think that people will judge my taste in music and my love of rom-coms. I read the same books over and over again because I find comfort in them but I worry that they're too childish for my intellect. I love to sing more than anything in the world but almost none of my friends have heard me do so. When I wear super femme clothing, I worry that my queer community will be disappointed in me. When I wear super butch clothing, I think my family will judge me. I believe that if I tell a partner what I want from them that they will think I'm too needy. I fear that no one will ever take me seriously and respect me in the workplace. I am scared to let people too close because I do not want to be hurt again. I never feel that I am worthy of the good people in my life and I constantly feel like a fraud.

I don't really know what my point is with all of this and I know it's a long road for me to take down all of the walls I've put up for my own protection. I am grateful to have a couple of people that I am able to share those vulnerable and intimate moments with. I am more grateful to the ones that always call me out when they see me hiding. I'm trying to see myself the way they do.

It's okay to not be okay

I am not okay right now. Any kind of large life change or being in a state of uncertainty is any instant recipe for high levels of anxiety and the absolute depths of my depression. I knew going into this that that would be the case and I did my best to prepare for it but, nevertheless, here it is. Anxiety affects every part of how I communicate. It makes phone calls damn near impossible. It's difficult to send an email or a text or an instant message because anxiety tells me that the people I want to talk to aren't really my friends and don't care. When someone doesn't get back to me quickly, my anxiety tells me that that's the proof that they don't really want to talk to me. When they do talk to me, my anxiety tells me it's just because they're being nice, not because they really want to talk to me. When an online conversation naturally trails off, my anxiety tells me that it's because I was being boring. I am incapable of allowing others to help me and see me as weak. I know that, on occasion, this makes me completely insufferable to well-meaning family and friends who just want to help. I'm sullen and moody, I'm angry and irritable, I cry at the drop of a hat over absolutely nothing, I get easily overwhelmed and overstimulated in crowd-type situations, I oscillate between not eating and bingeing obscene amounts of sugar, I sleep in, I nap too much, I stay up until 2 am every night, I isolate, and I very rarely want to talk about it. I'm also trying my hardest to get myself out of it. I process everything very internally and really need my space to grieve, find acceptance, and push forward with what needs to get done. I know that a lot of people find it hard to see someone they care like this but I get so tired of people telling me how I should feel, what I should do, who I should focus my time and energy on. I already have a concerned mother, I'm not exactly looking for additional applicants. I am the expert of me and it's okay to not be okay right now.

It's okay because I'm sad about leaving clients I cared about and a job I really wanted to be doing. It's okay because I am lonely because the relationships I rely on the most and make me feel at ease are now a few hours away. It's okay because this time of year is difficult for me due to losing multiple people I care about to suicide. It's okay because I worry that I'll never be able to catch up financially. It's okay because I have to accept that pursuing further education could alter the other accomplishments I thought I'd be trying to pursue in my late 30s. It's okay because I sometimes fear that I will never be in a stable and loving intimate relationship. It's okay because I'm worried about how much longer it will take to get a new job and be able to live on my own again. It's okay because I'm doing the best I can.

I am trying to take this time to make plans for nurturing the kind of life I want to have rather than the one I keep settling for. I want to have a better work/life balance: to find work that is actually fulfilling, to take my lunch breaks, to utilize my vacation time. I want to improve my physical health: to get my migraines under better control, to get back to a point where I can run for a half hour without stopping, to be more conscientious of the food I'm putting in my body, to not be in as much physical pain. I want to where clothes that make me feel good because they're comfortable or they make me feel pretty or they make me feel like me and to stop worrying so much about what other people think about what I'm wearing. I want to do things that make me happier: listening to music, singing, playing with puppies or baby goats, baking, being in nature, chasing that elusive adrenaline high, dancing until my feet hurt, staying up too late because I was enjoying the company of friends more than surrendering to sleep. I want be better about nurturing relationships with the people who give me a feeling of home: the ones that tell me they're proud of me, the ones that tell me they love me even when I'm at my worst, the ones that always encourage my growth, the ones who give hugs that give me strength, the ones who hold my hand when it's too hard to say how I feel, the ones who make me feel loved and respected and like family.

I'm not okay right now but at some point I know I will be.





A small disclaimer. If you are someone who has tried to hard to make me feel better, I'm not mad at you, I just want you to understand why it might not work the way you hoped. If you're someone that waited a couple of days to get back to me, I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, get back to me when you can, my anxiety brain is my own responsibility and something I have to battle with on my own. If you're someone I have neglected or been short with, I'm not trying to make excuses for my behavior, I totally own that I can be a real dick sometimes when the anxiety monster takes over, I hope I'm able to make it up to you when I find my way to the other side.

changes

I have been back in Chicago for around 9 months now and there are some things that have been slowly sinking in since I got back. It's taken me a bit to really get into words what I've been feeling so this might not be entirely cohesive. I am not the same person that left for grad school three years ago and the lifestyle I want to lead is not aligning with the lifestyle I led when I was here before. My job does not pay me enough to live here and be able to have anything outside of necessities and that financial anxiety coupled with the extremely stressful nature of my job has kept me in a state of nearly crippling anxiety and depression for the better part of the last year. While I have enjoyed getting to know my clients and being a therapist, I have felt increased apathy for my job due to the immense barriers created by our current government social services and due to the bureaucracy and condescension of upper management at my company. I am very interested in exploring the options of pursuing a PhD but am too burned out with compassion fatigue to do the research when I'm home and would never be able to afford to take off the necessary time to visit schools I would be interested in attending. I've had increasingly expensive car repairs that have also been contributing to my financial anxiety and, due to the bills I already have and my previously mentioned low pay, I cannot currently afford a car payment. The traffic of the city has been very stressful to me since I now need to drive for work. I have been getting extremely nauseous on public transit which means I drive more and am therefore stuck in stressful traffic more. I have not had the energy to go the gym and cannot afford anything that would fall under the heading of self-care. I have had a severe upswing in headaches and stomach distress due to stress and my current unhealthy lifestyle and eating habits. I have been increasingly isolative and have difficulty following through on social commitments. I want to travel but do not have the funds and again, cannot afford to take the time off of work. My dogs are not city dogs. Penelope is highly reactive to all noises and shriek barks until I pick her up. Max is in a constant state of sensory overload and has injured me more than once with his overenthusiastic need to discover everything. I miss performing, it has been so long since I sang or acted and every single time I see a performance or hear a beautiful piece of music, my heart physically aches. The longer I stay here, the more clearly I see the holes in my life that I cannot fill here.
I would love to have time and energy to read for fun and pursue my academic research interests. I would love to buy a new car for once. I would love to be able to purchase a home with a yard. I would love to find myself back on stage or in a choir or even be able to own a piano again. I would love to travel to conferences or take a vacation or just visit out-of-state friends. I would love to be able to pursue some of my hobbies again: archery, baking, writing poetry, blogging, dance. I would love to find myself in a position to take better care of myself and my dogs. I would love to see my family more especially since my dad and my grandma have not been in the best of health. I would love to find myself in a healthy enough space to open myself up to the potential for love. I would love to get the one thing that has always seemed so out of reach and become a mother. And I just don't think I can do that here, at least not right now.
So what does that mean?
That is a two-fold plan. Foremost, it means that I plan to start pursuing employment back in the academic sphere where I may finally be able to pay off some debts and save for retirement again. Where I may find a job better suited to my experience and education that will also allow me the ability to really dig in and decide which PhD programs I'm interested in. However, the biggest change component is that I plan to pursue employment back in Champaign-Urbana where the cost of living is cheaper, it is closer to my family, and I believe I have the best potential to help myself recover back into a recognizable version of myself. I put in my four weeks notice at my job on Friday and have let my roommate know that I plan to move out at the end of June.
This has been a very difficult conclusion to reach because Chicago was the first place I ever truly felt like I was home in. It is the place where I met my chosen family and the truest friends I could have ever hoped for. It is the place where I found the strength and support to change my life for the better, to pursue dreams that I once thought were long dead. I have experienced tremendous love and equally immense loss, I have seen the best parts of myself blossom while pruning out the weakest parts. I could not have asked for a better home base over the last ten years. I also have really struggled with feelings of loss, failure, and worries that I am letting people down. But changes need to be made in order to help me achieve my next set of dreams and I truly believe this is the right next step in that journey.

Gratitude

Let me tell you, folks, this summer has been rough. I have not lived in Champaign for more than a few weeks over holidays for the past 9 years and I certainly didn't think I'd be doing it for the entire summer. I've been struggling with a great deal of anxiety over not having a job, over a really terrible fit of a temp gig, and over how I'm going to make ends meet when I do finally get back to Chicago. However, I finally accepted a job offer up in Chicago and it appears that my living situation may end up being pretty ideal. So here is a little bit of gratitude for the good things that happened this summer:

• Lunch with my high school bestie - Kelly moved to Seattle years ago and we are literally never in town at the same time. I think the last time I saw him was right after his oldest daughter was born. Earlier this summer, when he and his family were visiting his parents, I got to meet up with him for a long lunch, catch up on our mutual lives, and get some awesome hugs. It was much needed.
• Time with my doggos - I have had a lot of time at home with my dogs which has been awesome. We also got to take Max to the dog park several times and even took all four dogs over to Shawna's for a puppy play date. There were six dogs running around the yard and one who never left my lap. Oh and did I mention that Martha made me my favorite birthday cake?
• Getting to see my extremely talented friends - I have seen my talented musician friends perform under the stars and see shows at the Station, CUTC, and Wheaton Drama. It has been so good to watch my friends do the things they do so well.
• Running into people I know - This isn't usually something I enjoy, it's one of the reasons I live in a city with so many people that I blend into anonymity. However, it has been enjoyable to run into high school classmates, friends, and family I haven't seen in ages while out and about. 
• Goat watch and chicken cam - My lovely wifey Val has had new chickens and ducks and two pregnant goats. She regularly goes live on Facebook with videos of the animals and is definitely something that has made my summer more enjoyable.
• Not paying rent - There has definitely been a financial benefit when you don't have to pay rent for three months. My temp job means that I'm not letting all of my bills lapse and I've also been able to invest a little in upping my wardrobe game for work.
• Weekends in Chicago - I've had some lovely weekends at Badgerly Hall full of LARPs, wonderful dinners with friends, getting to catch up with the people I love dearly, and even getting my very first birthday picture colored by my wonderful Ivy.
• No research - My brain has been exhausted for months and it has been amazing to have three months without any homework or research that needs to be done.
• Mom time - I've only seen my mom a few times over the past two years so it's been nice to spend some quality time with her over the summer. We have been to see movies at the drive in, drank lots of wine on the porch, binge watched Queer Eye, eaten so much Jarling's, cooked and baked our favorite things, started back to our C25K training in prep for the Hot Chocolate 5K, not to mention that she has helped me shave my head, dye my hair, and kindly sat up with me all night in the ER when my gallbladder was kicking my butt at the beginning of the summer. 

Overall, I have been lucky to have this summer and it's time to head back to real life.

Becoming

I was discussing my personal progress with the head of my program on Friday and it got me thinking about the person I've become over the past year. Let me start off saying that I still desperately miss my friends and chosen family back home but only having myself to focus on this past year has been surprisingly good for me. I have done so many things that I never knew I was capable of since I moved down here.
First off, after the shock of the new and getting back on anti-depressants first semester, I have gotten high pass grades on every class and incredible, encouraging reviews on the papers and treatment models I've worked on for those classes. I have never been a straight-A student and it's so mind-boggling that this thing that I care so much about is something I'm actually excelling at. I'm actually strongly considering a PhD program right now which is also something I never thought I'd be capable of.
Second, despite my initial reservations, I have made friends here. I was sure when I arrived that everyone would be too cool to hang out with someone 10 years older than them. As it turns out, there were a few gals my age and even the younger ones in my cohort seem to enjoy my company. I never thought I could be fond of North Carolina but I am definitely going to be pulling up some painful roots when this program is over.
Third, I've really made progress in living a healthier life. I've lost nearly 20 pounds since moving to North Carolina. I drastically changed my diet last November and then, in May, I joined a gym around the corner from my apartment. Now I run three days a week and meet with a personal trainer one hour a week. My running has improved immensely and I am running longer uninterrupted than I ever have in my life. My trainer has helped to better my posture and given me great exercises to help improve my running. I have been able to do rock climbing classes and hot yoga and, in general, I just feel more athletic and healthy than I ever have. I like this stronger version of Emmy and I can't wait to see where I am one year from now.

Things I Love Thursday - Birthday Edition

I'm not going to lie, I freaking love my birthday. I got donuts for breakfast. Time was, I stopped at Dunkin' Donuts every morning on my way to work and got donuts and hash browns, at this time I also gained over 30 pounds so I've only been picking up iced tea there in the mornings on my way to work. Today, though, I got the donuts and they were delicious. In the afternoon I went to a spa for a two-hour pampering package. I purchased a Groupon for the Durham Wellness Spa and I had a half-hour in the infrared sauna, a half-hour of accupressure therapy, and an hour of herbal salt scrub body treatment, it was so relaxing. To top it all off, I'm going to dinner at Red Lobster with several of the girls from school. I have been craving Red Lobster for a good six months and it's one of those things I would never do by myself. I love having this kind of splurge day and feeling like I really deserve it. I don't spoil myself particularly often. Above all that, though, I adore the outpouring of love I am swamped with on my birthday. A large part of the time, I feel incredibly invisible. I've been sat on by people on the bus who somehow didn't see me there, people have cut in front of me in line because they didn't notice me, when pictures of events I attended get posted I always seem to be standing just out of frame, in the decades I did theatre I almost never got mentioned in a review, when family members mention the people who are talented/smart/going somewhere I'm never the first person they think of, and in a graduation speech, a girl mentioned nearly every person in our 55 person class except me. I constantly struggle at believing I'm relevant and now, being so far away from my home and the people I care about most, I often wonder if anyone even notices my absence. And every year on my birthday, I am reminded that those feelings of insignificance are my own issue and there are literally hundreds of people from every point in my life that notice and care.

Things I Love This Week

Max - I went to pick up my new addition to my furry family last weekend. Much thanks to Caitlyn and Matt for driving him down to Asheville for me. Crate training was a little rough the first few days and some stress-fueled diarrhea caused some grossness for a couple of days but overall he is just perfect. He just wants to cuddle and chew on his toys and nap. He is learning quickly and I will be getting him into puppy classes as soon as I wrap up his shots in a couple weeks.

My practicum supervisor - Since she wasn't at my initial interview, I hadn't met my practicum supervisor yet. I drove over to the gorgeous Hillsborough hospital campus on Tuesday to meet up with Dr. Dinoff. We have a ton in common, she has an underground background in art, went back to school to complete her graduate level work in her mid-30s, is really into ACT and zen mindfulness techniques in her practice, and she rescues pit bulls. She gave me a ton of tips on videos to watch and books to read before I come into work in the fall and I am so excited to work with her.

Gym progress - This is seriously the longest I have ever stuck to a gym routine. That may not seem like a big deal to most people but for me it's huge (seriously, I have had one-year contracts with gyms that I've only gone to maybe 15 times over the year). I am consistently there three days a week including one hour of personal training. Hoping to bump it up to four soon. Even though my mom and David had come for a visit and we ATE ALL THE THINGS and I was on my period and bloated, my personal training weigh-in still puts me down at lost pounds. I am getting consistently stronger, finding more stamina, and I'm seeing the results of the hard work. I am currently repeating week three of the Couch to 5K program because I was still struggling with three-minute intervals and it was the right decision and I'm feeling stronger and like I might be able to move up in the program soon.

Things I Love Thursday

I have to admit, I'm having a bit of existential dread at the moment. In the past few weeks, things have all fallen into place so well and I am so terrified that when things are going well that I'm getting set up for something colossally awful. But here are some recent happenings making me grateful.

summer job - I thoroughly enjoy working with my advisor this summer and it's truly just a beautiful thing to have somewhere I have to be every day.

fall practicum placement - Last Monday my advisor had informed me that neither of the two interviews I had gone on for practicum had offered me a spot. I was extremely disappointed because one was a site that was really important to me. Turns out someone else turned them down and I was next on the list. I am crazy excited to do my fall practicum at the UNC Pain Clinic in Hillsborough. And very grateful I don't have to go on anymore interviews this summer.

mom visit - My mom will be here in one week! We have big plans for good food and high tea. But mostly I'm just happy mom and David chose to take their vacation here even though I know it's not the most exciting place to visit.

summer reading/training - A grad program cannot possibly cover all of the topics I am interested in being further educated in so a lot of it will be me teaching myself. I just signed up for several online webinars in topics I'm interested in, ordered four skills training manuals in specific therapies I'm interested in working in, and I have a two-day Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training in two weeks. I will stay busy this summer.

interesting class - My first online summer course just started and it's a marriage and family counseling class. I think the topics we're covering will be really interesting and I am super stoked to work on my first paper on controversial issues for modern families. I chose open marriage and cannot wait to start in on reading my articles.

personal trainer/gym - I figure that 15 pounds is about all I can expect to lose with just changing up my eating habits. So last week I joined a gym just around the corner from my apartment complex. I've also decided to splurge on a personal trainer for an hour a week over the summer. He's super great (and HOT) and I think he's going to be really helpful in getting me down to goal weight. Also started the couch to 5K program again this week and I'm already experiencing way less pain when I run. Hoping to be back in peak 5K shape when I return to Chicago in a year.

Things I Love Thursday

Vacation - So I just got back Monday night from a lovely weekend in Los Angeles. From my own personal observations, everyone in California loves dogs, tattoos, avocados, and pot and they all dislike sunscreen. The weather was unusually cool and their was a freak hail storm Sunday afternoon but I really enjoyed my time and am grateful to Aaron for hosting me and schlepping me around all over the place (Hollywood, Santa Monica, Venice Beach, Pasadena, Alhombra). If you're a morbid freak like me, head to the Museum of Broken Relationships, it's pretty fascinating. Also, happy to meet new people and make new friends. Mostly though, just enjoyed geeking out with tons of Marvel movies and Star Wars and the Food Network. Highlights were the crazy enormous sushi feast Saturday night, the fact that I drank more wine in 72 hours than I have in the past four months, and Lindsay's killer burgers with goat cheese and caramelized red onions. 

Employment - Being jobless this year has been really hard on me, not just financially but also just mentally shaking my confidence and killing my motivation. I need a pretty set schedule and having loads of free time leaves me floundering and spending a lot of time saying I'll do it later. Thankfully, my department offered me two part-time assistantships this summer totaling 30 hours a week of work. I also got great news today because my advisor hand picked me out of the group of summer research assistants to work with. She has some great projects lined up to work together on this summer and she even wants me to work on publishing with her. So excited.

Puppies - In case you have not been following, I'm getting a new puppy. My aunt breeds English Cream Golden Retrievers and I had always planned on getting one to train as a therapy dog some day. Max (Maxwell Kermit, Seraphim of LOMAH) and I met just a week after he was born and had an instant connection. The pups couldn't see, hear, or even walk yet but he started army crawling straight for me the second I sat down. This litter was the namesake litter, named after those who are no longer with us, so Max was a no-brainer when I had to name him. Turns out some day is now. Since I decided to make the smart financial choice and stay here throughout the school year and internship, I'm in the best place to have the time to dedicate to a new dog and I'm also in the best location to be training a therapy dog. I'm sure my girls and I are in for quite an adjustment period with this giant fluffy white boy joining our ranks but I am so beyond thrilled that I get to call him mine. 

My sister - As many know from my sweeping Facebook declaration, my sister is my whole world. She is the most artistically talented person I know and every time the world throws a new obstacle at her she just punches it back in the face and keeps going anyway. Every paper topic I choose, every bit of research I do, is all chosen to help me understand her world a little better. She is the motivation under my butt to keep working toward this career goal and fighting the systemic problems that make her life more difficult in any way that I can. I've told a lot of people that lately, especially in practicum interviews when they ask me what got me here, and I think they understand that I'm not doing this for me so quitting and anything less than excellence is not an option.

Hard work paying off - So my school has the weirdest grading system consisting of F (fail), L (low pass of 75%-84%), P (pass of 84%-93%), and H (high pass of 93% or higher). Needless to say, it's really hard to get Hs in your classes and, being a crazy perfectionist, I'm not particularly happy with Ps even though they're still great grades. First semester was a terrible adjustment period for me and I didn't see a single H on my transcript which was disappointing to say the least. I have been busting my butt this semester and, out of the three grades that have been posted, I'm looking at all Hs. It's really rewarding to see that I'm actually getting somewhere when I'm working so darn hard.

Things I Love Thursday

As my dearest Mags has pointed out, it has been much too long since one of these has been posted and it is especially important in this shit storm of awful that everyone has been going through between winter and the state of our political system and serious life crap and the respiratory ick that has been attacking the midwest and nearly everyone I love. So here are some things I am loving on this week.

Planning a much needed vacation - Everyone knows that I almost never go on vacations due to work schedules, school schedules, and generally being broke all of the time. But every year I do something nice with a little chunk of my tax refund and this year I spent it on a plane ticket to Los Angeles. I will be spending a lovely weekend at the residence of Colby and Aaron and having adventures in a city and state I've never explored before. I'm really looking forward to that reward at the end of this semester.

Chicago plans - Mum and I are headed to Chicago the first couple of days of my break and I am already making lovely plans with monsters and moopits and kindred spirits and seeing monkeys on their birthday (she's going to be 5! how did this happen?!).

Spring break - I need it, I need my humans, I need a break from thinking about school.

Great job interviews - I had two really good job interviews over the past two weeks and, even if for some reason I don't get one of them, I felt really good about my skill level and confident in the work field which I haven't felt since the whole year of the gas lighting boss.

Puppies - When I get back to Illinois, there are 18 puppies waiting to be snuggled and oohed and aahed over. The sweet Daffodil had 5 boys and 3 girls and big girl Maisey had 6 girls and 4 boys. As always it will be so difficult not to put a deposit down on one but I really can't get one until next year.

Encouraging friends - My friends always know when I could really use a little message even when I don't say anything. Not a single one of us just leaves the others to fend for themselves and it's really a beautiful thing.

Pampering - I've really been missing all of the nice things I had in Chicago that I did for relaxation purposes so I went hunting on NC Groupon and found a couple of lovely places for reflexology, massages, and facials.

Cooking - I also decided to find a cooking class and am heading over to Sur la Table this weekend to learn how to make croissants, I'm so psyched about it.

conflicted

I've been back in NC for two weeks and already my mood is not as positive as it was at home. Quite frequently, I feel as if my real life is on hiatus and that this life is just some weird dream state in between. So, here I sit, trying to unravel my emotions and maybe find some kind of source of my discontent.

good things that happened over the break
*so much Morgan time - Morgan and I became friends during the Mikado, just under two decades ago and, growing up, she was the closest female friend I had that wasn't a relative. Four years ago, she moved from Chicago (a condo just a short half mile walk from the one I lived in with moopit) to Seattle. I've only seen her for brief moments in that time and I've missed her desperately. Now that she and her family are moving back to the burbs, I got to spend many a lovely evening talking about anything and everything and just getting to have my arms around someone that I adore so much.
*caught up with many of my dearest loves in Chicago - I spent an all too brief three days in Chicago over my break and, while there were some people I did not get to see this time around and others who I wish I could have spent more time of, I felt pretty much surrounded by awesome people who love me and who I love back. I had deep conversations and delicious food and board games and gossip and oh so many hugs. It was almost enough to make me say screw grad school, I'm never leaving again.
*got a car - After test driving several not-so-great used vehicles, Big Bertha, my 2002 Ford Taurus, appeared as a reasonably priced mode of transport that should get me around town with no issue and back and forth from Illinois to NC on breaks. It is a glorious feeling to be able to leave the house whenever I want and not be strapped down by the awful bus system. Mom and I had a lovely road trip, just the two of us, driving back to NC with an overnight stop in Knoxville.
*ate a lot of food but managed to not over indulge and gain back the weight I had lost before break - I have been trying to pay closer attention to my diet since November. I have been overweight and pretty hopeless about changing it for a few years now. So I'm trying to be more mindful about the types of food I'm putting into my body and portion size. I had hit five pounds lost when I left for break and immediately ate anything and everything I wanted to for three weeks, though I will say that I only felt like I overindulged once. I was quite sure that the scale would not have pleasant things to say when I came home but I maintained my weight loss and am coming up on ten pounds down soon which is the biggest result I've had in a long while.
*I fell a little in love with Knoxville - Anyone who knows me knows that I pretty much think any town under 500,000 is a small town and pretty dull. Knoxville won me over a little bit on mom and I's road trip though. Downtown was pretty adorable and I had some excellent food and felt a little less snobby about "small towns".
*I got family time - I got to see my wonderful gram, all of my aunts, a few cousins, and of course spent the majority of my time with my mom and sister. These badass ladies are the reason I am the human I am today and I always feel encouraged and empowered by them.
*I got covered in dogs - My aunt is a dog breeder and has several (I believe 9) dogs of her own and frequent litters of puppies. So get covered in the sweetest, most gentle, big dogs ever (English cream retrievers). I already have every intention to go home over spring break because there will be three litters of puppies to snuggle.
*was overwhelmed by my mom and sister's generosity - My mom bought me the aforementioned Ford Taurus as a Christmas present. As someone that much prefers to be a giver, getting such large, costly presents is incredibly overwhelming. And my sister, who I knew had intended on getting me a few items from Sephora, showered me with makeup and a $50 gift card and makeover. I felt pretty lame in my gift giving this year.
*I got jeans! - Due to all of the weight fluctuation, I've had a very difficult time finding pants that fit. After, I surpassed a size 12, I lost all ability to figure out my size and didn't really want to face it enough to find out. So I haven't had a pair of jeans in about 4 years despite being the kind of person that prefers to wear jeans most of the time in cooler weather. I walked into the TJ Maxx dressing room with seven pairs of pants and had six that fit to choose from. My new jeans make me feel so much more confident about myself than all of the yoga pants and knit skirts I've been hiding in lately.
*got mom and Elaine equally addicted to GBBO - I freaking love the Great British Bake Off. The second I hear their theme music, I feel instantly calm. Over break, I bought all three seasons that are currently on Amazon Prime and proceeded to get mom and Elaine just as addicted to the show as I am.
*spent time with my little Ivy - As part of my Chicago trip, I got to spend a pretty excellent evening with my sweet monkey face. This kid never ceases to put a smile on my face and there is literally not a better feeling in the world than opening the door, shouting hello, and then hearing her excitedly yell my name as she runs in to hug me.
*got my hair cut with Michael - My hair fairy godmother and I have been friends since I was 12 and he was 17 and there is literally no one on earth who cuts my hair better than he does but it's very rare that our schedules match up or that I am properly prepared enough to get an appointment with him when I'm in Champaign. Getting hugs, being called kitten (no, none of the rest of you can call me kitten), and feeling fabulous because my hair looks perfect are all really excellent reasons why I will continue to go to him until we are both too old and grey to care what our hair looks like anymore.
*I proposed to two people - Okay, I wasn't really all that serious but I did tell my stylist that I would marry him in a heart beat if he felt he needed a beard through the course of the next four years of the dark ages and, after discussing our mutual need for tidiness, told Morgan that if her husband was ever not in the picture, I'd marry her in a heart beat. Both assured me that they would take my proposal into serious consideration. ;)
*got the best sleep I've had in years - Sadly, this was only during the three nights I was in Chicago but so much gratitude to moopit for putting me up in his guest room. Staying with moopit has always felt like my home away from home, he's just the only person that I am 100% comfortable sharing space with. The bed is comfortable, the shower is excellent, the neighborhood is quiet, the room is perfectly dark at night. It's just the perfect place for feeling rested and comfortable.

bad things that happened over the break
*did not get an assistantship that I was relatively certain I would get - I have been assured that I will be able to reinterview later this semester but, apparently, letting one of my professors know that I was overwhelmed last semester was a mistake. They were unsure whether I could handle the job and my studies and our department head had not had me in class yet decided to go with their opinion. I'm still pretty angry over the situation since I didn't just apply for fun but because I desperately need some income to offset the insane amount of loans I'm taking out for out-of-state tuition and living experiences. Job hunting is stressful and so far relatively unfruitful.
*two of my aunts passed away - This was rough as hell. On the Wednesday before finals week, I was sitting down in a class and checking facebook before it began only to find out that my wonderful Aunt Helen had passed away during heart surgery the day before. I hadn't seen her in over ten years and my mom and I had planned on taking a trip to see her in Connecticut over the summer. I wasn't able to make it to the funeral due to it being finals week and me being broke so I was pretty devastated. Over the break, I stopped in to see my Aunt Renee who had been battling small cell lung cancer for about two years. I knew she wasn't going to see remission but thought she still had a few months left. One day before I left to drive back to NC, we got the phone call that she had passed away and, again, I was unable to make the memorial due to needing to be back at school. I loved both of these women dearly and they were such huge parts of my childhood even though neither of them was a blood relative. I hope they both knew how much they meant to me.
*the car needed a great deal more repairs than anticipated - Big Bertha started out as a reasonably priced car and turned into an extravagant gift when we took it in to get checked over and discovered she needed new struts and several other repairs adding up to almost as much as we'd paid for the car. Brutal.
*I was stuck in my house for three days because of snow - When I got back in NC, we had just been hit by a snow storm that turned everything into solid sheets of ice. Since NC is completely incapable of handling snow removal or even salting a sidewalk, everything pretty much shuts down. Which means, I spent the first days back stuck in my house because there was nowhere to go even with a car.
*I got sick - Right before I left Illinois, I woke up with a truly nasty head cold. It started to clear up just as I was heading back to classes but got followed by the most enormous cold sore right in the middle of my bottom lip. Being sick and feeling unattractive do nothing good to improve my mood.
*I heard about some rather distressing drama with people I care about deeply - I hold myself to extremely high standards when it comes to how I live my life and how I treat other human beings so when I find out that people I really love are not being their best selves, it's hard for me to handle. I will never be able to understand clique-y elitism and when someone who means more to me than pretty much anyone and is the reason I know most of my friends gets ostracized from group functions for no good reason, I admit that I am disheartened and very disappointed in the people doing the ostracizing. I still don't know how best to handle the situation. I am fiercely loyal to my humans and feel very torn up when that leaves me in the middle of ugly behavior.
*my grandma - My grandma is old, she is diabetic, and she doesn't or isn't capable of telling others when she needs help. It's really hard for me to see my grandma doing poorly in both cognitive functioning and in being able to take care of herself because I'm not there and I can't do anything to help.
*my sister - She has really been struggling with her physical health, her mental state, and being able to keep up with her house. I feel so hopeless because I can't do anything big to help her. I can do her laundry and bring her food when I'm home but the things she really needs to do to be better are things she has to do for herself. I wish I could help her see that she's worth doing those things for.
*had to face some unpleasant truths about myself - I really do not like things that represent permanence. As I was facing the ownership of a car and the repairs needed to maintain it, I felt immediately triggered into fight-or-flight mode wanting to run away. This same thing happened repeatedly as friends regaled me with their relationship troubles. Yes, part of the reason I don't currently date is because I have no intention of staying in the state but I think an even bigger part of why I don't date is because all of my relationships have been so damaged or toxic in one way or another and I would rather run away than actually have to deal with getting into another doomed relationship. The truth is, I would really love to have someone to help with the animals, the housework, share in the bills, and to just come home to someone that can talk back but I also savor my independent life-style and the ability to be quiet and alone when I need to. I don't really think I like what that says about me but, as I have no intention on turning my focus to anything other than grad school over the next year, I think I may just have to put it on the back burner for now. A problem for future Emmy, let that guy deal with it.

goals for the new year
I would like to try to focus more on self care and being a healthier version of me which will include:
*more mediation
*continuing mindfulness on how I fuel my body
*more exercise (I really want to be able to get back to running when I return to Chicago)
*finding better means of dealing with stress and social anxiety than smoking
*getting a therapist and getting help when I need it instead of waiting until I'm in crisis to deal with my issues

waiting

Being in a town where the only people I know are my classmates with no car and a shitty public transit system means I spend a lot of time by myself. I have had a great deal of time over the past few months for self-reflection. Last year, when I started looking at graduate schools, part of me was looking out of state to be closer to my then partner but a larger part of me was ready to run away again. I felt like life in Chicago was rejecting me. I had spent seven years working my ass off for a job that never appreciated me and then stuck me with an abusive boss, I had no social life because I was tired and stressed and had too much homework and had to study for the GRE, I had dropped every hobby to save money and time, and other than my mess of a recent relationship, I couldn't seem to meet anyone who I liked spending time with as much as the people I already had in my life let alone want to date. I thought moving would change that up. I thought I could just go be someone new and just make a home in a brand new place. I was so wrong. Chicago was always home, even before I met all of my friend family and I was lonely all of the time, Chicago was home. My Chicago life hadn't gotten lame, I had and I cannot begin to tell you how much I wish I was there right now. I neglected the people and things that mattered most to me shamefully over the last two years and I have nothing to show for it except thirty extra pounds, the need for a new therapist, and being completely alone in a town that I will never feel at home in. Don't get me wrong, this is a wallowing moment. This program is exactly the kind of work I should be doing and, despite the looming student loan debt of doom, I know I made the right decision to do this. I just really wish I could do this and still be home. And let me tell you, when I get back there, I'm going to stop making excuses and find a way to live my life the way I want to. I am going to spend time with my humans and cook good food and find a new archery range and get back to judo and go swing dancing and go to the movies and head to the woods to fight zombies on weekends. I'm tired of waiting. Waiting until I pay off some bills, waiting until I finish school, waiting until I find the perfect job, waiting until I have a partner to share it with, waiting to tell people how I feel and what I think, waiting to go home. Right now is hard but I swear when I get home, we're going to do this thing, people.

Things I Love Thursday

cheap energy - apparently electricity is quite reasonable here, I was super nervous about the prospect of receiving my bill after an insanely hot August with ceiling fans and a/c running all the time and I was pleasantly surprised

my cohort - they're all going to be incredible peers in the field and I love being around like-minded individuals who are crazy passionate about the same kinds of things I am

my mentor - he's totally my north carolina bff, we have way too much in common and it's nice to have someone around who totally gets you

new nicknames - my classmate, Adam, calls me "Purple Emily" (there are three emilys in our cohort), it makes me smile because I really love my hair

my friends back home - they're doing such a great job of being supportive and checking in to make sure that I know I'm missed and loved (I really can't wait to get home to Chicago)

brain waves - pretty sure I finally made a decision on what the hell I want to do my damn master's paper on (broadly, it needs narrowed down a bit) so I can start doing research

less student loan debt - I got accepted for a scholarship today that gives me $5000 a semester (which is HUGE when you're paying out-of-state tuition). Yes, it means I have to work in a particular field of counseling when I graduate but, as it turns out, it's the kind of work I wanted to be doing anyway.