conflicted

I've been back in NC for two weeks and already my mood is not as positive as it was at home. Quite frequently, I feel as if my real life is on hiatus and that this life is just some weird dream state in between. So, here I sit, trying to unravel my emotions and maybe find some kind of source of my discontent.

good things that happened over the break
*so much Morgan time - Morgan and I became friends during the Mikado, just under two decades ago and, growing up, she was the closest female friend I had that wasn't a relative. Four years ago, she moved from Chicago (a condo just a short half mile walk from the one I lived in with moopit) to Seattle. I've only seen her for brief moments in that time and I've missed her desperately. Now that she and her family are moving back to the burbs, I got to spend many a lovely evening talking about anything and everything and just getting to have my arms around someone that I adore so much.
*caught up with many of my dearest loves in Chicago - I spent an all too brief three days in Chicago over my break and, while there were some people I did not get to see this time around and others who I wish I could have spent more time of, I felt pretty much surrounded by awesome people who love me and who I love back. I had deep conversations and delicious food and board games and gossip and oh so many hugs. It was almost enough to make me say screw grad school, I'm never leaving again.
*got a car - After test driving several not-so-great used vehicles, Big Bertha, my 2002 Ford Taurus, appeared as a reasonably priced mode of transport that should get me around town with no issue and back and forth from Illinois to NC on breaks. It is a glorious feeling to be able to leave the house whenever I want and not be strapped down by the awful bus system. Mom and I had a lovely road trip, just the two of us, driving back to NC with an overnight stop in Knoxville.
*ate a lot of food but managed to not over indulge and gain back the weight I had lost before break - I have been trying to pay closer attention to my diet since November. I have been overweight and pretty hopeless about changing it for a few years now. So I'm trying to be more mindful about the types of food I'm putting into my body and portion size. I had hit five pounds lost when I left for break and immediately ate anything and everything I wanted to for three weeks, though I will say that I only felt like I overindulged once. I was quite sure that the scale would not have pleasant things to say when I came home but I maintained my weight loss and am coming up on ten pounds down soon which is the biggest result I've had in a long while.
*I fell a little in love with Knoxville - Anyone who knows me knows that I pretty much think any town under 500,000 is a small town and pretty dull. Knoxville won me over a little bit on mom and I's road trip though. Downtown was pretty adorable and I had some excellent food and felt a little less snobby about "small towns".
*I got family time - I got to see my wonderful gram, all of my aunts, a few cousins, and of course spent the majority of my time with my mom and sister. These badass ladies are the reason I am the human I am today and I always feel encouraged and empowered by them.
*I got covered in dogs - My aunt is a dog breeder and has several (I believe 9) dogs of her own and frequent litters of puppies. So get covered in the sweetest, most gentle, big dogs ever (English cream retrievers). I already have every intention to go home over spring break because there will be three litters of puppies to snuggle.
*was overwhelmed by my mom and sister's generosity - My mom bought me the aforementioned Ford Taurus as a Christmas present. As someone that much prefers to be a giver, getting such large, costly presents is incredibly overwhelming. And my sister, who I knew had intended on getting me a few items from Sephora, showered me with makeup and a $50 gift card and makeover. I felt pretty lame in my gift giving this year.
*I got jeans! - Due to all of the weight fluctuation, I've had a very difficult time finding pants that fit. After, I surpassed a size 12, I lost all ability to figure out my size and didn't really want to face it enough to find out. So I haven't had a pair of jeans in about 4 years despite being the kind of person that prefers to wear jeans most of the time in cooler weather. I walked into the TJ Maxx dressing room with seven pairs of pants and had six that fit to choose from. My new jeans make me feel so much more confident about myself than all of the yoga pants and knit skirts I've been hiding in lately.
*got mom and Elaine equally addicted to GBBO - I freaking love the Great British Bake Off. The second I hear their theme music, I feel instantly calm. Over break, I bought all three seasons that are currently on Amazon Prime and proceeded to get mom and Elaine just as addicted to the show as I am.
*spent time with my little Ivy - As part of my Chicago trip, I got to spend a pretty excellent evening with my sweet monkey face. This kid never ceases to put a smile on my face and there is literally not a better feeling in the world than opening the door, shouting hello, and then hearing her excitedly yell my name as she runs in to hug me.
*got my hair cut with Michael - My hair fairy godmother and I have been friends since I was 12 and he was 17 and there is literally no one on earth who cuts my hair better than he does but it's very rare that our schedules match up or that I am properly prepared enough to get an appointment with him when I'm in Champaign. Getting hugs, being called kitten (no, none of the rest of you can call me kitten), and feeling fabulous because my hair looks perfect are all really excellent reasons why I will continue to go to him until we are both too old and grey to care what our hair looks like anymore.
*I proposed to two people - Okay, I wasn't really all that serious but I did tell my stylist that I would marry him in a heart beat if he felt he needed a beard through the course of the next four years of the dark ages and, after discussing our mutual need for tidiness, told Morgan that if her husband was ever not in the picture, I'd marry her in a heart beat. Both assured me that they would take my proposal into serious consideration. ;)
*got the best sleep I've had in years - Sadly, this was only during the three nights I was in Chicago but so much gratitude to moopit for putting me up in his guest room. Staying with moopit has always felt like my home away from home, he's just the only person that I am 100% comfortable sharing space with. The bed is comfortable, the shower is excellent, the neighborhood is quiet, the room is perfectly dark at night. It's just the perfect place for feeling rested and comfortable.

bad things that happened over the break
*did not get an assistantship that I was relatively certain I would get - I have been assured that I will be able to reinterview later this semester but, apparently, letting one of my professors know that I was overwhelmed last semester was a mistake. They were unsure whether I could handle the job and my studies and our department head had not had me in class yet decided to go with their opinion. I'm still pretty angry over the situation since I didn't just apply for fun but because I desperately need some income to offset the insane amount of loans I'm taking out for out-of-state tuition and living experiences. Job hunting is stressful and so far relatively unfruitful.
*two of my aunts passed away - This was rough as hell. On the Wednesday before finals week, I was sitting down in a class and checking facebook before it began only to find out that my wonderful Aunt Helen had passed away during heart surgery the day before. I hadn't seen her in over ten years and my mom and I had planned on taking a trip to see her in Connecticut over the summer. I wasn't able to make it to the funeral due to it being finals week and me being broke so I was pretty devastated. Over the break, I stopped in to see my Aunt Renee who had been battling small cell lung cancer for about two years. I knew she wasn't going to see remission but thought she still had a few months left. One day before I left to drive back to NC, we got the phone call that she had passed away and, again, I was unable to make the memorial due to needing to be back at school. I loved both of these women dearly and they were such huge parts of my childhood even though neither of them was a blood relative. I hope they both knew how much they meant to me.
*the car needed a great deal more repairs than anticipated - Big Bertha started out as a reasonably priced car and turned into an extravagant gift when we took it in to get checked over and discovered she needed new struts and several other repairs adding up to almost as much as we'd paid for the car. Brutal.
*I was stuck in my house for three days because of snow - When I got back in NC, we had just been hit by a snow storm that turned everything into solid sheets of ice. Since NC is completely incapable of handling snow removal or even salting a sidewalk, everything pretty much shuts down. Which means, I spent the first days back stuck in my house because there was nowhere to go even with a car.
*I got sick - Right before I left Illinois, I woke up with a truly nasty head cold. It started to clear up just as I was heading back to classes but got followed by the most enormous cold sore right in the middle of my bottom lip. Being sick and feeling unattractive do nothing good to improve my mood.
*I heard about some rather distressing drama with people I care about deeply - I hold myself to extremely high standards when it comes to how I live my life and how I treat other human beings so when I find out that people I really love are not being their best selves, it's hard for me to handle. I will never be able to understand clique-y elitism and when someone who means more to me than pretty much anyone and is the reason I know most of my friends gets ostracized from group functions for no good reason, I admit that I am disheartened and very disappointed in the people doing the ostracizing. I still don't know how best to handle the situation. I am fiercely loyal to my humans and feel very torn up when that leaves me in the middle of ugly behavior.
*my grandma - My grandma is old, she is diabetic, and she doesn't or isn't capable of telling others when she needs help. It's really hard for me to see my grandma doing poorly in both cognitive functioning and in being able to take care of herself because I'm not there and I can't do anything to help.
*my sister - She has really been struggling with her physical health, her mental state, and being able to keep up with her house. I feel so hopeless because I can't do anything big to help her. I can do her laundry and bring her food when I'm home but the things she really needs to do to be better are things she has to do for herself. I wish I could help her see that she's worth doing those things for.
*had to face some unpleasant truths about myself - I really do not like things that represent permanence. As I was facing the ownership of a car and the repairs needed to maintain it, I felt immediately triggered into fight-or-flight mode wanting to run away. This same thing happened repeatedly as friends regaled me with their relationship troubles. Yes, part of the reason I don't currently date is because I have no intention of staying in the state but I think an even bigger part of why I don't date is because all of my relationships have been so damaged or toxic in one way or another and I would rather run away than actually have to deal with getting into another doomed relationship. The truth is, I would really love to have someone to help with the animals, the housework, share in the bills, and to just come home to someone that can talk back but I also savor my independent life-style and the ability to be quiet and alone when I need to. I don't really think I like what that says about me but, as I have no intention on turning my focus to anything other than grad school over the next year, I think I may just have to put it on the back burner for now. A problem for future Emmy, let that guy deal with it.

goals for the new year
I would like to try to focus more on self care and being a healthier version of me which will include:
*more mediation
*continuing mindfulness on how I fuel my body
*more exercise (I really want to be able to get back to running when I return to Chicago)
*finding better means of dealing with stress and social anxiety than smoking
*getting a therapist and getting help when I need it instead of waiting until I'm in crisis to deal with my issues

waiting

Being in a town where the only people I know are my classmates with no car and a shitty public transit system means I spend a lot of time by myself. I have had a great deal of time over the past few months for self-reflection. Last year, when I started looking at graduate schools, part of me was looking out of state to be closer to my then partner but a larger part of me was ready to run away again. I felt like life in Chicago was rejecting me. I had spent seven years working my ass off for a job that never appreciated me and then stuck me with an abusive boss, I had no social life because I was tired and stressed and had too much homework and had to study for the GRE, I had dropped every hobby to save money and time, and other than my mess of a recent relationship, I couldn't seem to meet anyone who I liked spending time with as much as the people I already had in my life let alone want to date. I thought moving would change that up. I thought I could just go be someone new and just make a home in a brand new place. I was so wrong. Chicago was always home, even before I met all of my friend family and I was lonely all of the time, Chicago was home. My Chicago life hadn't gotten lame, I had and I cannot begin to tell you how much I wish I was there right now. I neglected the people and things that mattered most to me shamefully over the last two years and I have nothing to show for it except thirty extra pounds, the need for a new therapist, and being completely alone in a town that I will never feel at home in. Don't get me wrong, this is a wallowing moment. This program is exactly the kind of work I should be doing and, despite the looming student loan debt of doom, I know I made the right decision to do this. I just really wish I could do this and still be home. And let me tell you, when I get back there, I'm going to stop making excuses and find a way to live my life the way I want to. I am going to spend time with my humans and cook good food and find a new archery range and get back to judo and go swing dancing and go to the movies and head to the woods to fight zombies on weekends. I'm tired of waiting. Waiting until I pay off some bills, waiting until I finish school, waiting until I find the perfect job, waiting until I have a partner to share it with, waiting to tell people how I feel and what I think, waiting to go home. Right now is hard but I swear when I get home, we're going to do this thing, people.

Things I Love Thursday

cheap energy - apparently electricity is quite reasonable here, I was super nervous about the prospect of receiving my bill after an insanely hot August with ceiling fans and a/c running all the time and I was pleasantly surprised

my cohort - they're all going to be incredible peers in the field and I love being around like-minded individuals who are crazy passionate about the same kinds of things I am

my mentor - he's totally my north carolina bff, we have way too much in common and it's nice to have someone around who totally gets you

new nicknames - my classmate, Adam, calls me "Purple Emily" (there are three emilys in our cohort), it makes me smile because I really love my hair

my friends back home - they're doing such a great job of being supportive and checking in to make sure that I know I'm missed and loved (I really can't wait to get home to Chicago)

brain waves - pretty sure I finally made a decision on what the hell I want to do my damn master's paper on (broadly, it needs narrowed down a bit) so I can start doing research

less student loan debt - I got accepted for a scholarship today that gives me $5000 a semester (which is HUGE when you're paying out-of-state tuition). Yes, it means I have to work in a particular field of counseling when I graduate but, as it turns out, it's the kind of work I wanted to be doing anyway.

random North Carolina musings

• a surprising number of people stopped me to tell me they liked my Bernie muppet shirt
• holy shit, the bugs here are huge
• I feel like I will never be not covered in sweat again
• the buses are lovely and free and air conditioned to the max but, damn, why is there only one an hour?!
• EVERYTHING is uphill
• people are polite and most of them will just have a chat with you
• air conditioning is pretty much the greatest thing EVER
• the neighbors will introduce themselves and will ask how you're doing every time they see you (not just because you accidentally made eye contact)
• there are only 5 grubhub restaurants here
• the produce here is really nice
• the sweet corn isn't as good
• I am not constantly being overwhelmed by sensory overload, it is very quiet
• unemployment is way less awful than I thought it would be
• rain does not make things cooler, it just makes them wetter (it's like a sauna)

Big Changes, first week in NC

Part of me feels like the past three weeks have flown by and another part of me feels like it's taken forever. For the next two years, I will be writing from North Carolina while I work on my master's program. Moving to Chicago seven years ago was hard but I had a car, many good friends in the city already, and I was only three hours from my family, it didn't feel quite so isolated. Even so, I spent great parts of the first year sitting alone in my apartment, chain smoking, drinking wine, watching the Food Network with my dog, and crying myself to sleep because I was so lonely. Leaving Chicago was nearly impossible. Chicago is the only place that ever felt like home to me and the people there are family who I would do anything for. Leaving was full of panic attacks and tears and emotions that I was really not ready for. I have been in North Carolina for six days and, aside from going to check the mail, taking boxes to the dumpster, or letting my dog out, I've only left the apartment once. Last night was my birthday and I forced myself out of the door, walked over to Starbucks for my free birthday frapuccino and hauled my cookies in awful humidity the mile and a half walk to University Mall where I grabbed a burger and saw The Secret Life of Pets at the movie theatre there before walking back home. I have been very spoiled living in Chicago. Though the buses here are free, they are not very frequent and it is not very well set up for walking. At times the sidewalk just ends and you have to go a longer way around to not be walking down the side of a major thoroughfare in the grass. I may need to look into being a car owner again. I haven't remotely finished unpacking (my living room is still more boxes than floor) but I finally caught up on Game of Thrones and Doctor Who and I admittedly spent most of the daytime hours of my birthday playing WoW to my heart's content. People here seem to be very polite and friendly and I've gotten a ton of complements on my purple hair so hopefully I'll be able to stop being such a scaredy-cat and get out into the world soon.

Things I Love Thursday: Starting Over

Let me tell you, this has been an insane spring. Work is ramping up into the insanity of graduation, I have three classes and two finals to take in order for me to graduate, I just spent a weekend in North Carolina getting an apartment lined up for my HUGE move that I'm trying to coordinate, and in the past month I split with my partner and spent a day in the emergency room for fainting on the train platform. It's been nuts and isn't likely to calm down until I get settled in Chapel Hill and find my own balance again. But, for now, here are some things I'm loving:

Platonic cuddles
Friends who threaten to duct tape you and keep you in their basement so you don't move
Pie
Hot tubs
Gwen Stefani's new album
Seafood
Getting my undercut back
Finding an apartment across the street from Whole Foods, Trader Joe's, and the farmer's market
Only having 4 weeks of work left
Civil War (and, for that matter, movie dates by my lonesome)
Friends who include you in events you won't even be around for
Being three classes and two finals away from graduation, I'm pretty proud of me

it's a struggle

I, like I'm sure everyone else in the history of ever, spend so much time mired down in self doubt and, let's be honest, self hate. Add on the fact that I am facing a huge life change and all of the details involved, my job pretty much leaves me a shell of a human by the end of the week, I'm still trying to finish up my last two undergrad classes with my own high standards, I'm living in a place that's not my usual habitat without my sweet puppy for company, and I'm doing it all without medication because it was always my goal to do that. I'm struggling. A lot of mornings I can barely talk myself out of bed in the morning and, even though I have a very small amount of time left here in Chicago and I should be using it to see all of the people I love, leaving the house is pretty overwhelming on the best days and well nigh impossible on the bad ones. I'm having a really hard time standing up for myself. I'm tired of people who say hateful things and people who don't apologize when they've wronged you and gas lighting and verbal and emotional abuse. I'm not happy with really anything right now. I know that moving somewhere new and starting all over won't suddenly make everything in my life peaches and cream but maybe it can help me scrub out the bad elements.