Things I Love This Week

Max - I went to pick up my new addition to my furry family last weekend. Much thanks to Caitlyn and Matt for driving him down to Asheville for me. Crate training was a little rough the first few days and some stress-fueled diarrhea caused some grossness for a couple of days but overall he is just perfect. He just wants to cuddle and chew on his toys and nap. He is learning quickly and I will be getting him into puppy classes as soon as I wrap up his shots in a couple weeks.

My practicum supervisor - Since she wasn't at my initial interview, I hadn't met my practicum supervisor yet. I drove over to the gorgeous Hillsborough hospital campus on Tuesday to meet up with Dr. Dinoff. We have a ton in common, she has an underground background in art, went back to school to complete her graduate level work in her mid-30s, is really into ACT and zen mindfulness techniques in her practice, and she rescues pit bulls. She gave me a ton of tips on videos to watch and books to read before I come into work in the fall and I am so excited to work with her.

Gym progress - This is seriously the longest I have ever stuck to a gym routine. That may not seem like a big deal to most people but for me it's huge (seriously, I have had one-year contracts with gyms that I've only gone to maybe 15 times over the year). I am consistently there three days a week including one hour of personal training. Hoping to bump it up to four soon. Even though my mom and David had come for a visit and we ATE ALL THE THINGS and I was on my period and bloated, my personal training weigh-in still puts me down at lost pounds. I am getting consistently stronger, finding more stamina, and I'm seeing the results of the hard work. I am currently repeating week three of the Couch to 5K program because I was still struggling with three-minute intervals and it was the right decision and I'm feeling stronger and like I might be able to move up in the program soon.

Things I Love Thursday

I have to admit, I'm having a bit of existential dread at the moment. In the past few weeks, things have all fallen into place so well and I am so terrified that when things are going well that I'm getting set up for something colossally awful. But here are some recent happenings making me grateful.

summer job - I thoroughly enjoy working with my advisor this summer and it's truly just a beautiful thing to have somewhere I have to be every day.

fall practicum placement - Last Monday my advisor had informed me that neither of the two interviews I had gone on for practicum had offered me a spot. I was extremely disappointed because one was a site that was really important to me. Turns out someone else turned them down and I was next on the list. I am crazy excited to do my fall practicum at the UNC Pain Clinic in Hillsborough. And very grateful I don't have to go on anymore interviews this summer.

mom visit - My mom will be here in one week! We have big plans for good food and high tea. But mostly I'm just happy mom and David chose to take their vacation here even though I know it's not the most exciting place to visit.

summer reading/training - A grad program cannot possibly cover all of the topics I am interested in being further educated in so a lot of it will be me teaching myself. I just signed up for several online webinars in topics I'm interested in, ordered four skills training manuals in specific therapies I'm interested in working in, and I have a two-day Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training in two weeks. I will stay busy this summer.

interesting class - My first online summer course just started and it's a marriage and family counseling class. I think the topics we're covering will be really interesting and I am super stoked to work on my first paper on controversial issues for modern families. I chose open marriage and cannot wait to start in on reading my articles.

personal trainer/gym - I figure that 15 pounds is about all I can expect to lose with just changing up my eating habits. So last week I joined a gym just around the corner from my apartment complex. I've also decided to splurge on a personal trainer for an hour a week over the summer. He's super great (and HOT) and I think he's going to be really helpful in getting me down to goal weight. Also started the couch to 5K program again this week and I'm already experiencing way less pain when I run. Hoping to be back in peak 5K shape when I return to Chicago in a year.

Things I Love Thursday

Vacation - So I just got back Monday night from a lovely weekend in Los Angeles. From my own personal observations, everyone in California loves dogs, tattoos, avocados, and pot and they all dislike sunscreen. The weather was unusually cool and their was a freak hail storm Sunday afternoon but I really enjoyed my time and am grateful to Aaron for hosting me and schlepping me around all over the place (Hollywood, Santa Monica, Venice Beach, Pasadena, Alhombra). If you're a morbid freak like me, head to the Museum of Broken Relationships, it's pretty fascinating. Also, happy to meet new people and make new friends. Mostly though, just enjoyed geeking out with tons of Marvel movies and Star Wars and the Food Network. Highlights were the crazy enormous sushi feast Saturday night, the fact that I drank more wine in 72 hours than I have in the past four months, and Lindsay's killer burgers with goat cheese and caramelized red onions. 

Employment - Being jobless this year has been really hard on me, not just financially but also just mentally shaking my confidence and killing my motivation. I need a pretty set schedule and having loads of free time leaves me floundering and spending a lot of time saying I'll do it later. Thankfully, my department offered me two part-time assistantships this summer totaling 30 hours a week of work. I also got great news today because my advisor hand picked me out of the group of summer research assistants to work with. She has some great projects lined up to work together on this summer and she even wants me to work on publishing with her. So excited.

Puppies - In case you have not been following, I'm getting a new puppy. My aunt breeds English Cream Golden Retrievers and I had always planned on getting one to train as a therapy dog some day. Max (Maxwell Kermit, Seraphim of LOMAH) and I met just a week after he was born and had an instant connection. The pups couldn't see, hear, or even walk yet but he started army crawling straight for me the second I sat down. This litter was the namesake litter, named after those who are no longer with us, so Max was a no-brainer when I had to name him. Turns out some day is now. Since I decided to make the smart financial choice and stay here throughout the school year and internship, I'm in the best place to have the time to dedicate to a new dog and I'm also in the best location to be training a therapy dog. I'm sure my girls and I are in for quite an adjustment period with this giant fluffy white boy joining our ranks but I am so beyond thrilled that I get to call him mine. 

My sister - As many know from my sweeping Facebook declaration, my sister is my whole world. She is the most artistically talented person I know and every time the world throws a new obstacle at her she just punches it back in the face and keeps going anyway. Every paper topic I choose, every bit of research I do, is all chosen to help me understand her world a little better. She is the motivation under my butt to keep working toward this career goal and fighting the systemic problems that make her life more difficult in any way that I can. I've told a lot of people that lately, especially in practicum interviews when they ask me what got me here, and I think they understand that I'm not doing this for me so quitting and anything less than excellence is not an option.

Hard work paying off - So my school has the weirdest grading system consisting of F (fail), L (low pass of 75%-84%), P (pass of 84%-93%), and H (high pass of 93% or higher). Needless to say, it's really hard to get Hs in your classes and, being a crazy perfectionist, I'm not particularly happy with Ps even though they're still great grades. First semester was a terrible adjustment period for me and I didn't see a single H on my transcript which was disappointing to say the least. I have been busting my butt this semester and, out of the three grades that have been posted, I'm looking at all Hs. It's really rewarding to see that I'm actually getting somewhere when I'm working so darn hard.

Things I Love Thursday

As my dearest Mags has pointed out, it has been much too long since one of these has been posted and it is especially important in this shit storm of awful that everyone has been going through between winter and the state of our political system and serious life crap and the respiratory ick that has been attacking the midwest and nearly everyone I love. So here are some things I am loving on this week.

Planning a much needed vacation - Everyone knows that I almost never go on vacations due to work schedules, school schedules, and generally being broke all of the time. But every year I do something nice with a little chunk of my tax refund and this year I spent it on a plane ticket to Los Angeles. I will be spending a lovely weekend at the residence of Colby and Aaron and having adventures in a city and state I've never explored before. I'm really looking forward to that reward at the end of this semester.

Chicago plans - Mum and I are headed to Chicago the first couple of days of my break and I am already making lovely plans with monsters and moopits and kindred spirits and seeing monkeys on their birthday (she's going to be 5! how did this happen?!).

Spring break - I need it, I need my humans, I need a break from thinking about school.

Great job interviews - I had two really good job interviews over the past two weeks and, even if for some reason I don't get one of them, I felt really good about my skill level and confident in the work field which I haven't felt since the whole year of the gas lighting boss.

Puppies - When I get back to Illinois, there are 18 puppies waiting to be snuggled and oohed and aahed over. The sweet Daffodil had 5 boys and 3 girls and big girl Maisey had 6 girls and 4 boys. As always it will be so difficult not to put a deposit down on one but I really can't get one until next year.

Encouraging friends - My friends always know when I could really use a little message even when I don't say anything. Not a single one of us just leaves the others to fend for themselves and it's really a beautiful thing.

Pampering - I've really been missing all of the nice things I had in Chicago that I did for relaxation purposes so I went hunting on NC Groupon and found a couple of lovely places for reflexology, massages, and facials.

Cooking - I also decided to find a cooking class and am heading over to Sur la Table this weekend to learn how to make croissants, I'm so psyched about it.

conflicted

I've been back in NC for two weeks and already my mood is not as positive as it was at home. Quite frequently, I feel as if my real life is on hiatus and that this life is just some weird dream state in between. So, here I sit, trying to unravel my emotions and maybe find some kind of source of my discontent.

good things that happened over the break
*so much Morgan time - Morgan and I became friends during the Mikado, just under two decades ago and, growing up, she was the closest female friend I had that wasn't a relative. Four years ago, she moved from Chicago (a condo just a short half mile walk from the one I lived in with moopit) to Seattle. I've only seen her for brief moments in that time and I've missed her desperately. Now that she and her family are moving back to the burbs, I got to spend many a lovely evening talking about anything and everything and just getting to have my arms around someone that I adore so much.
*caught up with many of my dearest loves in Chicago - I spent an all too brief three days in Chicago over my break and, while there were some people I did not get to see this time around and others who I wish I could have spent more time of, I felt pretty much surrounded by awesome people who love me and who I love back. I had deep conversations and delicious food and board games and gossip and oh so many hugs. It was almost enough to make me say screw grad school, I'm never leaving again.
*got a car - After test driving several not-so-great used vehicles, Big Bertha, my 2002 Ford Taurus, appeared as a reasonably priced mode of transport that should get me around town with no issue and back and forth from Illinois to NC on breaks. It is a glorious feeling to be able to leave the house whenever I want and not be strapped down by the awful bus system. Mom and I had a lovely road trip, just the two of us, driving back to NC with an overnight stop in Knoxville.
*ate a lot of food but managed to not over indulge and gain back the weight I had lost before break - I have been trying to pay closer attention to my diet since November. I have been overweight and pretty hopeless about changing it for a few years now. So I'm trying to be more mindful about the types of food I'm putting into my body and portion size. I had hit five pounds lost when I left for break and immediately ate anything and everything I wanted to for three weeks, though I will say that I only felt like I overindulged once. I was quite sure that the scale would not have pleasant things to say when I came home but I maintained my weight loss and am coming up on ten pounds down soon which is the biggest result I've had in a long while.
*I fell a little in love with Knoxville - Anyone who knows me knows that I pretty much think any town under 500,000 is a small town and pretty dull. Knoxville won me over a little bit on mom and I's road trip though. Downtown was pretty adorable and I had some excellent food and felt a little less snobby about "small towns".
*I got family time - I got to see my wonderful gram, all of my aunts, a few cousins, and of course spent the majority of my time with my mom and sister. These badass ladies are the reason I am the human I am today and I always feel encouraged and empowered by them.
*I got covered in dogs - My aunt is a dog breeder and has several (I believe 9) dogs of her own and frequent litters of puppies. So get covered in the sweetest, most gentle, big dogs ever (English cream retrievers). I already have every intention to go home over spring break because there will be three litters of puppies to snuggle.
*was overwhelmed by my mom and sister's generosity - My mom bought me the aforementioned Ford Taurus as a Christmas present. As someone that much prefers to be a giver, getting such large, costly presents is incredibly overwhelming. And my sister, who I knew had intended on getting me a few items from Sephora, showered me with makeup and a $50 gift card and makeover. I felt pretty lame in my gift giving this year.
*I got jeans! - Due to all of the weight fluctuation, I've had a very difficult time finding pants that fit. After, I surpassed a size 12, I lost all ability to figure out my size and didn't really want to face it enough to find out. So I haven't had a pair of jeans in about 4 years despite being the kind of person that prefers to wear jeans most of the time in cooler weather. I walked into the TJ Maxx dressing room with seven pairs of pants and had six that fit to choose from. My new jeans make me feel so much more confident about myself than all of the yoga pants and knit skirts I've been hiding in lately.
*got mom and Elaine equally addicted to GBBO - I freaking love the Great British Bake Off. The second I hear their theme music, I feel instantly calm. Over break, I bought all three seasons that are currently on Amazon Prime and proceeded to get mom and Elaine just as addicted to the show as I am.
*spent time with my little Ivy - As part of my Chicago trip, I got to spend a pretty excellent evening with my sweet monkey face. This kid never ceases to put a smile on my face and there is literally not a better feeling in the world than opening the door, shouting hello, and then hearing her excitedly yell my name as she runs in to hug me.
*got my hair cut with Michael - My hair fairy godmother and I have been friends since I was 12 and he was 17 and there is literally no one on earth who cuts my hair better than he does but it's very rare that our schedules match up or that I am properly prepared enough to get an appointment with him when I'm in Champaign. Getting hugs, being called kitten (no, none of the rest of you can call me kitten), and feeling fabulous because my hair looks perfect are all really excellent reasons why I will continue to go to him until we are both too old and grey to care what our hair looks like anymore.
*I proposed to two people - Okay, I wasn't really all that serious but I did tell my stylist that I would marry him in a heart beat if he felt he needed a beard through the course of the next four years of the dark ages and, after discussing our mutual need for tidiness, told Morgan that if her husband was ever not in the picture, I'd marry her in a heart beat. Both assured me that they would take my proposal into serious consideration. ;)
*got the best sleep I've had in years - Sadly, this was only during the three nights I was in Chicago but so much gratitude to moopit for putting me up in his guest room. Staying with moopit has always felt like my home away from home, he's just the only person that I am 100% comfortable sharing space with. The bed is comfortable, the shower is excellent, the neighborhood is quiet, the room is perfectly dark at night. It's just the perfect place for feeling rested and comfortable.

bad things that happened over the break
*did not get an assistantship that I was relatively certain I would get - I have been assured that I will be able to reinterview later this semester but, apparently, letting one of my professors know that I was overwhelmed last semester was a mistake. They were unsure whether I could handle the job and my studies and our department head had not had me in class yet decided to go with their opinion. I'm still pretty angry over the situation since I didn't just apply for fun but because I desperately need some income to offset the insane amount of loans I'm taking out for out-of-state tuition and living experiences. Job hunting is stressful and so far relatively unfruitful.
*two of my aunts passed away - This was rough as hell. On the Wednesday before finals week, I was sitting down in a class and checking facebook before it began only to find out that my wonderful Aunt Helen had passed away during heart surgery the day before. I hadn't seen her in over ten years and my mom and I had planned on taking a trip to see her in Connecticut over the summer. I wasn't able to make it to the funeral due to it being finals week and me being broke so I was pretty devastated. Over the break, I stopped in to see my Aunt Renee who had been battling small cell lung cancer for about two years. I knew she wasn't going to see remission but thought she still had a few months left. One day before I left to drive back to NC, we got the phone call that she had passed away and, again, I was unable to make the memorial due to needing to be back at school. I loved both of these women dearly and they were such huge parts of my childhood even though neither of them was a blood relative. I hope they both knew how much they meant to me.
*the car needed a great deal more repairs than anticipated - Big Bertha started out as a reasonably priced car and turned into an extravagant gift when we took it in to get checked over and discovered she needed new struts and several other repairs adding up to almost as much as we'd paid for the car. Brutal.
*I was stuck in my house for three days because of snow - When I got back in NC, we had just been hit by a snow storm that turned everything into solid sheets of ice. Since NC is completely incapable of handling snow removal or even salting a sidewalk, everything pretty much shuts down. Which means, I spent the first days back stuck in my house because there was nowhere to go even with a car.
*I got sick - Right before I left Illinois, I woke up with a truly nasty head cold. It started to clear up just as I was heading back to classes but got followed by the most enormous cold sore right in the middle of my bottom lip. Being sick and feeling unattractive do nothing good to improve my mood.
*I heard about some rather distressing drama with people I care about deeply - I hold myself to extremely high standards when it comes to how I live my life and how I treat other human beings so when I find out that people I really love are not being their best selves, it's hard for me to handle. I will never be able to understand clique-y elitism and when someone who means more to me than pretty much anyone and is the reason I know most of my friends gets ostracized from group functions for no good reason, I admit that I am disheartened and very disappointed in the people doing the ostracizing. I still don't know how best to handle the situation. I am fiercely loyal to my humans and feel very torn up when that leaves me in the middle of ugly behavior.
*my grandma - My grandma is old, she is diabetic, and she doesn't or isn't capable of telling others when she needs help. It's really hard for me to see my grandma doing poorly in both cognitive functioning and in being able to take care of herself because I'm not there and I can't do anything to help.
*my sister - She has really been struggling with her physical health, her mental state, and being able to keep up with her house. I feel so hopeless because I can't do anything big to help her. I can do her laundry and bring her food when I'm home but the things she really needs to do to be better are things she has to do for herself. I wish I could help her see that she's worth doing those things for.
*had to face some unpleasant truths about myself - I really do not like things that represent permanence. As I was facing the ownership of a car and the repairs needed to maintain it, I felt immediately triggered into fight-or-flight mode wanting to run away. This same thing happened repeatedly as friends regaled me with their relationship troubles. Yes, part of the reason I don't currently date is because I have no intention of staying in the state but I think an even bigger part of why I don't date is because all of my relationships have been so damaged or toxic in one way or another and I would rather run away than actually have to deal with getting into another doomed relationship. The truth is, I would really love to have someone to help with the animals, the housework, share in the bills, and to just come home to someone that can talk back but I also savor my independent life-style and the ability to be quiet and alone when I need to. I don't really think I like what that says about me but, as I have no intention on turning my focus to anything other than grad school over the next year, I think I may just have to put it on the back burner for now. A problem for future Emmy, let that guy deal with it.

goals for the new year
I would like to try to focus more on self care and being a healthier version of me which will include:
*more mediation
*continuing mindfulness on how I fuel my body
*more exercise (I really want to be able to get back to running when I return to Chicago)
*finding better means of dealing with stress and social anxiety than smoking
*getting a therapist and getting help when I need it instead of waiting until I'm in crisis to deal with my issues

waiting

Being in a town where the only people I know are my classmates with no car and a shitty public transit system means I spend a lot of time by myself. I have had a great deal of time over the past few months for self-reflection. Last year, when I started looking at graduate schools, part of me was looking out of state to be closer to my then partner but a larger part of me was ready to run away again. I felt like life in Chicago was rejecting me. I had spent seven years working my ass off for a job that never appreciated me and then stuck me with an abusive boss, I had no social life because I was tired and stressed and had too much homework and had to study for the GRE, I had dropped every hobby to save money and time, and other than my mess of a recent relationship, I couldn't seem to meet anyone who I liked spending time with as much as the people I already had in my life let alone want to date. I thought moving would change that up. I thought I could just go be someone new and just make a home in a brand new place. I was so wrong. Chicago was always home, even before I met all of my friend family and I was lonely all of the time, Chicago was home. My Chicago life hadn't gotten lame, I had and I cannot begin to tell you how much I wish I was there right now. I neglected the people and things that mattered most to me shamefully over the last two years and I have nothing to show for it except thirty extra pounds, the need for a new therapist, and being completely alone in a town that I will never feel at home in. Don't get me wrong, this is a wallowing moment. This program is exactly the kind of work I should be doing and, despite the looming student loan debt of doom, I know I made the right decision to do this. I just really wish I could do this and still be home. And let me tell you, when I get back there, I'm going to stop making excuses and find a way to live my life the way I want to. I am going to spend time with my humans and cook good food and find a new archery range and get back to judo and go swing dancing and go to the movies and head to the woods to fight zombies on weekends. I'm tired of waiting. Waiting until I pay off some bills, waiting until I finish school, waiting until I find the perfect job, waiting until I have a partner to share it with, waiting to tell people how I feel and what I think, waiting to go home. Right now is hard but I swear when I get home, we're going to do this thing, people.

Things I Love Thursday

cheap energy - apparently electricity is quite reasonable here, I was super nervous about the prospect of receiving my bill after an insanely hot August with ceiling fans and a/c running all the time and I was pleasantly surprised

my cohort - they're all going to be incredible peers in the field and I love being around like-minded individuals who are crazy passionate about the same kinds of things I am

my mentor - he's totally my north carolina bff, we have way too much in common and it's nice to have someone around who totally gets you

new nicknames - my classmate, Adam, calls me "Purple Emily" (there are three emilys in our cohort), it makes me smile because I really love my hair

my friends back home - they're doing such a great job of being supportive and checking in to make sure that I know I'm missed and loved (I really can't wait to get home to Chicago)

brain waves - pretty sure I finally made a decision on what the hell I want to do my damn master's paper on (broadly, it needs narrowed down a bit) so I can start doing research

less student loan debt - I got accepted for a scholarship today that gives me $5000 a semester (which is HUGE when you're paying out-of-state tuition). Yes, it means I have to work in a particular field of counseling when I graduate but, as it turns out, it's the kind of work I wanted to be doing anyway.