changes

I have been back in Chicago for around 9 months now and there are some things that have been slowly sinking in since I got back. It's taken me a bit to really get into words what I've been feeling so this might not be entirely cohesive. I am not the same person that left for grad school three years ago and the lifestyle I want to lead is not aligning with the lifestyle I led when I was here before. My job does not pay me enough to live here and be able to have anything outside of necessities and that financial anxiety coupled with the extremely stressful nature of my job has kept me in a state of nearly crippling anxiety and depression for the better part of the last year. While I have enjoyed getting to know my clients and being a therapist, I have felt increased apathy for my job due to the immense barriers created by our current government social services and due to the bureaucracy and condescension of upper management at my company. I am very interested in exploring the options of pursuing a PhD but am too burned out with compassion fatigue to do the research when I'm home and would never be able to afford to take off the necessary time to visit schools I would be interested in attending. I've had increasingly expensive car repairs that have also been contributing to my financial anxiety and, due to the bills I already have and my previously mentioned low pay, I cannot currently afford a car payment. The traffic of the city has been very stressful to me since I now need to drive for work. I have been getting extremely nauseous on public transit which means I drive more and am therefore stuck in stressful traffic more. I have not had the energy to go the gym and cannot afford anything that would fall under the heading of self-care. I have had a severe upswing in headaches and stomach distress due to stress and my current unhealthy lifestyle and eating habits. I have been increasingly isolative and have difficulty following through on social commitments. I want to travel but do not have the funds and again, cannot afford to take the time off of work. My dogs are not city dogs. Penelope is highly reactive to all noises and shriek barks until I pick her up. Max is in a constant state of sensory overload and has injured me more than once with his overenthusiastic need to discover everything. I miss performing, it has been so long since I sang or acted and every single time I see a performance or hear a beautiful piece of music, my heart physically aches. The longer I stay here, the more clearly I see the holes in my life that I cannot fill here.
I would love to have time and energy to read for fun and pursue my academic research interests. I would love to buy a new car for once. I would love to be able to purchase a home with a yard. I would love to find myself back on stage or in a choir or even be able to own a piano again. I would love to travel to conferences or take a vacation or just visit out-of-state friends. I would love to be able to pursue some of my hobbies again: archery, baking, writing poetry, blogging, dance. I would love to find myself in a position to take better care of myself and my dogs. I would love to see my family more especially since my dad and my grandma have not been in the best of health. I would love to find myself in a healthy enough space to open myself up to the potential for love. I would love to get the one thing that has always seemed so out of reach and become a mother. And I just don't think I can do that here, at least not right now.
So what does that mean?
That is a two-fold plan. Foremost, it means that I plan to start pursuing employment back in the academic sphere where I may finally be able to pay off some debts and save for retirement again. Where I may find a job better suited to my experience and education that will also allow me the ability to really dig in and decide which PhD programs I'm interested in. However, the biggest change component is that I plan to pursue employment back in Champaign-Urbana where the cost of living is cheaper, it is closer to my family, and I believe I have the best potential to help myself recover back into a recognizable version of myself. I put in my four weeks notice at my job on Friday and have let my roommate know that I plan to move out at the end of June.
This has been a very difficult conclusion to reach because Chicago was the first place I ever truly felt like I was home in. It is the place where I met my chosen family and the truest friends I could have ever hoped for. It is the place where I found the strength and support to change my life for the better, to pursue dreams that I once thought were long dead. I have experienced tremendous love and equally immense loss, I have seen the best parts of myself blossom while pruning out the weakest parts. I could not have asked for a better home base over the last ten years. I also have really struggled with feelings of loss, failure, and worries that I am letting people down. But changes need to be made in order to help me achieve my next set of dreams and I truly believe this is the right next step in that journey.

Gratitude

Let me tell you, folks, this summer has been rough. I have not lived in Champaign for more than a few weeks over holidays for the past 9 years and I certainly didn't think I'd be doing it for the entire summer. I've been struggling with a great deal of anxiety over not having a job, over a really terrible fit of a temp gig, and over how I'm going to make ends meet when I do finally get back to Chicago. However, I finally accepted a job offer up in Chicago and it appears that my living situation may end up being pretty ideal. So here is a little bit of gratitude for the good things that happened this summer:

• Lunch with my high school bestie - Kelly moved to Seattle years ago and we are literally never in town at the same time. I think the last time I saw him was right after his oldest daughter was born. Earlier this summer, when he and his family were visiting his parents, I got to meet up with him for a long lunch, catch up on our mutual lives, and get some awesome hugs. It was much needed.
• Time with my doggos - I have had a lot of time at home with my dogs which has been awesome. We also got to take Max to the dog park several times and even took all four dogs over to Shawna's for a puppy play date. There were six dogs running around the yard and one who never left my lap. Oh and did I mention that Martha made me my favorite birthday cake?
• Getting to see my extremely talented friends - I have seen my talented musician friends perform under the stars and see shows at the Station, CUTC, and Wheaton Drama. It has been so good to watch my friends do the things they do so well.
• Running into people I know - This isn't usually something I enjoy, it's one of the reasons I live in a city with so many people that I blend into anonymity. However, it has been enjoyable to run into high school classmates, friends, and family I haven't seen in ages while out and about. 
• Goat watch and chicken cam - My lovely wifey Val has had new chickens and ducks and two pregnant goats. She regularly goes live on Facebook with videos of the animals and is definitely something that has made my summer more enjoyable.
• Not paying rent - There has definitely been a financial benefit when you don't have to pay rent for three months. My temp job means that I'm not letting all of my bills lapse and I've also been able to invest a little in upping my wardrobe game for work.
• Weekends in Chicago - I've had some lovely weekends at Badgerly Hall full of LARPs, wonderful dinners with friends, getting to catch up with the people I love dearly, and even getting my very first birthday picture colored by my wonderful Ivy.
• No research - My brain has been exhausted for months and it has been amazing to have three months without any homework or research that needs to be done.
• Mom time - I've only seen my mom a few times over the past two years so it's been nice to spend some quality time with her over the summer. We have been to see movies at the drive in, drank lots of wine on the porch, binge watched Queer Eye, eaten so much Jarling's, cooked and baked our favorite things, started back to our C25K training in prep for the Hot Chocolate 5K, not to mention that she has helped me shave my head, dye my hair, and kindly sat up with me all night in the ER when my gallbladder was kicking my butt at the beginning of the summer. 

Overall, I have been lucky to have this summer and it's time to head back to real life.

Becoming

I was discussing my personal progress with the head of my program on Friday and it got me thinking about the person I've become over the past year. Let me start off saying that I still desperately miss my friends and chosen family back home but only having myself to focus on this past year has been surprisingly good for me. I have done so many things that I never knew I was capable of since I moved down here.
First off, after the shock of the new and getting back on anti-depressants first semester, I have gotten high pass grades on every class and incredible, encouraging reviews on the papers and treatment models I've worked on for those classes. I have never been a straight-A student and it's so mind-boggling that this thing that I care so much about is something I'm actually excelling at. I'm actually strongly considering a PhD program right now which is also something I never thought I'd be capable of.
Second, despite my initial reservations, I have made friends here. I was sure when I arrived that everyone would be too cool to hang out with someone 10 years older than them. As it turns out, there were a few gals my age and even the younger ones in my cohort seem to enjoy my company. I never thought I could be fond of North Carolina but I am definitely going to be pulling up some painful roots when this program is over.
Third, I've really made progress in living a healthier life. I've lost nearly 20 pounds since moving to North Carolina. I drastically changed my diet last November and then, in May, I joined a gym around the corner from my apartment. Now I run three days a week and meet with a personal trainer one hour a week. My running has improved immensely and I am running longer uninterrupted than I ever have in my life. My trainer has helped to better my posture and given me great exercises to help improve my running. I have been able to do rock climbing classes and hot yoga and, in general, I just feel more athletic and healthy than I ever have. I like this stronger version of Emmy and I can't wait to see where I am one year from now.

Things I Love Thursday - Birthday Edition

I'm not going to lie, I freaking love my birthday. I got donuts for breakfast. Time was, I stopped at Dunkin' Donuts every morning on my way to work and got donuts and hash browns, at this time I also gained over 30 pounds so I've only been picking up iced tea there in the mornings on my way to work. Today, though, I got the donuts and they were delicious. In the afternoon I went to a spa for a two-hour pampering package. I purchased a Groupon for the Durham Wellness Spa and I had a half-hour in the infrared sauna, a half-hour of accupressure therapy, and an hour of herbal salt scrub body treatment, it was so relaxing. To top it all off, I'm going to dinner at Red Lobster with several of the girls from school. I have been craving Red Lobster for a good six months and it's one of those things I would never do by myself. I love having this kind of splurge day and feeling like I really deserve it. I don't spoil myself particularly often. Above all that, though, I adore the outpouring of love I am swamped with on my birthday. A large part of the time, I feel incredibly invisible. I've been sat on by people on the bus who somehow didn't see me there, people have cut in front of me in line because they didn't notice me, when pictures of events I attended get posted I always seem to be standing just out of frame, in the decades I did theatre I almost never got mentioned in a review, when family members mention the people who are talented/smart/going somewhere I'm never the first person they think of, and in a graduation speech, a girl mentioned nearly every person in our 55 person class except me. I constantly struggle at believing I'm relevant and now, being so far away from my home and the people I care about most, I often wonder if anyone even notices my absence. And every year on my birthday, I am reminded that those feelings of insignificance are my own issue and there are literally hundreds of people from every point in my life that notice and care.

Things I Love This Week

Max - I went to pick up my new addition to my furry family last weekend. Much thanks to Caitlyn and Matt for driving him down to Asheville for me. Crate training was a little rough the first few days and some stress-fueled diarrhea caused some grossness for a couple of days but overall he is just perfect. He just wants to cuddle and chew on his toys and nap. He is learning quickly and I will be getting him into puppy classes as soon as I wrap up his shots in a couple weeks.

My practicum supervisor - Since she wasn't at my initial interview, I hadn't met my practicum supervisor yet. I drove over to the gorgeous Hillsborough hospital campus on Tuesday to meet up with Dr. Dinoff. We have a ton in common, she has an underground background in art, went back to school to complete her graduate level work in her mid-30s, is really into ACT and zen mindfulness techniques in her practice, and she rescues pit bulls. She gave me a ton of tips on videos to watch and books to read before I come into work in the fall and I am so excited to work with her.

Gym progress - This is seriously the longest I have ever stuck to a gym routine. That may not seem like a big deal to most people but for me it's huge (seriously, I have had one-year contracts with gyms that I've only gone to maybe 15 times over the year). I am consistently there three days a week including one hour of personal training. Hoping to bump it up to four soon. Even though my mom and David had come for a visit and we ATE ALL THE THINGS and I was on my period and bloated, my personal training weigh-in still puts me down at lost pounds. I am getting consistently stronger, finding more stamina, and I'm seeing the results of the hard work. I am currently repeating week three of the Couch to 5K program because I was still struggling with three-minute intervals and it was the right decision and I'm feeling stronger and like I might be able to move up in the program soon.

Things I Love Thursday

I have to admit, I'm having a bit of existential dread at the moment. In the past few weeks, things have all fallen into place so well and I am so terrified that when things are going well that I'm getting set up for something colossally awful. But here are some recent happenings making me grateful.

summer job - I thoroughly enjoy working with my advisor this summer and it's truly just a beautiful thing to have somewhere I have to be every day.

fall practicum placement - Last Monday my advisor had informed me that neither of the two interviews I had gone on for practicum had offered me a spot. I was extremely disappointed because one was a site that was really important to me. Turns out someone else turned them down and I was next on the list. I am crazy excited to do my fall practicum at the UNC Pain Clinic in Hillsborough. And very grateful I don't have to go on anymore interviews this summer.

mom visit - My mom will be here in one week! We have big plans for good food and high tea. But mostly I'm just happy mom and David chose to take their vacation here even though I know it's not the most exciting place to visit.

summer reading/training - A grad program cannot possibly cover all of the topics I am interested in being further educated in so a lot of it will be me teaching myself. I just signed up for several online webinars in topics I'm interested in, ordered four skills training manuals in specific therapies I'm interested in working in, and I have a two-day Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training in two weeks. I will stay busy this summer.

interesting class - My first online summer course just started and it's a marriage and family counseling class. I think the topics we're covering will be really interesting and I am super stoked to work on my first paper on controversial issues for modern families. I chose open marriage and cannot wait to start in on reading my articles.

personal trainer/gym - I figure that 15 pounds is about all I can expect to lose with just changing up my eating habits. So last week I joined a gym just around the corner from my apartment complex. I've also decided to splurge on a personal trainer for an hour a week over the summer. He's super great (and HOT) and I think he's going to be really helpful in getting me down to goal weight. Also started the couch to 5K program again this week and I'm already experiencing way less pain when I run. Hoping to be back in peak 5K shape when I return to Chicago in a year.

Things I Love Thursday

Vacation - So I just got back Monday night from a lovely weekend in Los Angeles. From my own personal observations, everyone in California loves dogs, tattoos, avocados, and pot and they all dislike sunscreen. The weather was unusually cool and their was a freak hail storm Sunday afternoon but I really enjoyed my time and am grateful to Aaron for hosting me and schlepping me around all over the place (Hollywood, Santa Monica, Venice Beach, Pasadena, Alhombra). If you're a morbid freak like me, head to the Museum of Broken Relationships, it's pretty fascinating. Also, happy to meet new people and make new friends. Mostly though, just enjoyed geeking out with tons of Marvel movies and Star Wars and the Food Network. Highlights were the crazy enormous sushi feast Saturday night, the fact that I drank more wine in 72 hours than I have in the past four months, and Lindsay's killer burgers with goat cheese and caramelized red onions. 

Employment - Being jobless this year has been really hard on me, not just financially but also just mentally shaking my confidence and killing my motivation. I need a pretty set schedule and having loads of free time leaves me floundering and spending a lot of time saying I'll do it later. Thankfully, my department offered me two part-time assistantships this summer totaling 30 hours a week of work. I also got great news today because my advisor hand picked me out of the group of summer research assistants to work with. She has some great projects lined up to work together on this summer and she even wants me to work on publishing with her. So excited.

Puppies - In case you have not been following, I'm getting a new puppy. My aunt breeds English Cream Golden Retrievers and I had always planned on getting one to train as a therapy dog some day. Max (Maxwell Kermit, Seraphim of LOMAH) and I met just a week after he was born and had an instant connection. The pups couldn't see, hear, or even walk yet but he started army crawling straight for me the second I sat down. This litter was the namesake litter, named after those who are no longer with us, so Max was a no-brainer when I had to name him. Turns out some day is now. Since I decided to make the smart financial choice and stay here throughout the school year and internship, I'm in the best place to have the time to dedicate to a new dog and I'm also in the best location to be training a therapy dog. I'm sure my girls and I are in for quite an adjustment period with this giant fluffy white boy joining our ranks but I am so beyond thrilled that I get to call him mine. 

My sister - As many know from my sweeping Facebook declaration, my sister is my whole world. She is the most artistically talented person I know and every time the world throws a new obstacle at her she just punches it back in the face and keeps going anyway. Every paper topic I choose, every bit of research I do, is all chosen to help me understand her world a little better. She is the motivation under my butt to keep working toward this career goal and fighting the systemic problems that make her life more difficult in any way that I can. I've told a lot of people that lately, especially in practicum interviews when they ask me what got me here, and I think they understand that I'm not doing this for me so quitting and anything less than excellence is not an option.

Hard work paying off - So my school has the weirdest grading system consisting of F (fail), L (low pass of 75%-84%), P (pass of 84%-93%), and H (high pass of 93% or higher). Needless to say, it's really hard to get Hs in your classes and, being a crazy perfectionist, I'm not particularly happy with Ps even though they're still great grades. First semester was a terrible adjustment period for me and I didn't see a single H on my transcript which was disappointing to say the least. I have been busting my butt this semester and, out of the three grades that have been posted, I'm looking at all Hs. It's really rewarding to see that I'm actually getting somewhere when I'm working so darn hard.