what matters most

It's been a stressful couple of weeks around here. With my grandfather's funeral, traveling back and forth between Champaign and Chicago, midterms, and way too much work, homework, and emotional mess, I literally had a meltdown on Monday night. I came home from work, sat down at my kitchen table and sobbed. So I took some mental health time off from work and classes. I had to sit down and remind myself that, when life is hard, there are some things that just matter more.

Quality time with my mom.
Having supportive people in your life.
Good food and better wine.
Laughing.
Hugs.
Quiet time to decompress. 
Getting out of the house.
Taking the time to have feelings.
Switching to decaf for a few days.
Sleep.
Having that one person that always comes through.

In memoriam

Saturday, my grandfather passed away due to complications from pneumonia and stage four cancer. He was born Billy Gene Matthews in 1933 but, due to a clerical error on his birth certificate, we knew him as Billie Jean Matthis. My grandfather wasn't what you could call a great man. No one would ever talk about his father but we know that he was a cruel human being and who knows what unspeakable horrors his children lived through. My grandfather was a tortured man who never was able to face his past. He was stationed in Japan with the air force and was medically discharged before meeting my grandmother and marrying her on June 28th, 1958. They met at the USO and shared a mutual love of dancing. Together, they had six children: Chris, Debbie (my mother), Jeff, Craig, Dawn, and Jodi. They have seventeen grandchildren and three great-grandchildren. I had a complicated relationship with my grandfather as a child, due to his struggles with alcoholism, bigotry, and verbal abuse but I also learned a great deal from him. After having a massive stroke fifteen years ago and losing a great deal of his previous self, many of us were finally able to have a relationship with a kind and loving man and to catch a glimpse of the person my grandfather could have been. He gave me my love of dancing, poetry, Greek mythology, old movies, peach pie, coconut cake, and the beauty of Japan and the Japanese language. He also gave me my appreciation of a well-dressed man and the importance of a really great hat. He will be missed but I am glad he will finally have some kind of peace. May his spirit soar in a way it never could on earth.

In the words of Irving Berlin, from a movie my grandfather and I watched quite often together:

Sayonara, Japanese goodbye
Whisper sayonara lover don't you cry
No more we stop to see pretty cherry blossom
No more we 'neath the tree looking at the sky
Sayonara, sayonara
Goodbye 

Random Facts on Valentine's Day

Every year I'm single, the one thing I miss more than anything is having someone give me flowers on Valentine's Day.

I just purchased my first out-of-state big con pass (DragonCon!) and I finally feel like a valid nerd.

I have never ordered room service or flown first class and I feel like I'm missing out on a crucial life experience.

I believe so much in karma and the balance of the universe that really great days scare me a little because I'm afraid I'm being rewarded before the universe piles a whole bunch of shit on me.

My favorite chocolates are Fannie May milk chocolate vanilla buttercreams.

I am mildly obsessed with James Marsters. I have his autograph, went to one of his concerts, and even got my picture taken with him. 

I could easily eat several pounds of brussel sprouts a week.

Tequila is my happy booze. 

I know way more about pregnancy than any single non-pregnant woman should.

I am slower than molasses but I really love Chicago races. 

I can't get enough cooking classes.

I like college much better my second time around.

Things I Love Thursday

a united summer court - It's been an interesting couple of winter months for our lovely little Changeling game. Despite all of the drama and conflict making tempers high and creatures twitchy, our Summer Court has never been able to work together so well. So, yay? :)

no surgery - I finally got around to calling my doctor back to discuss my horrible pre-Christmas medical procedures and what that meant going forward. Fortunately, she told me that I have no reason to go ahead with surgery right now and we're just going to keep monitoring the situation and leave it for a better time.

school credits - Did you know that you get a whole lot of tax money for going to school? Because I totally didn't until entering my 1089 last week and watching my refund almost quadruple. I have never been so happy to realize I can pay off a significant chunk of bills.

two valentines - Because they're great and know that I find this holiday horrible and depressing, I have been invited to dinner with my dear friends, Brian and Rachel. It's nice to know that I won't be at home stuffing my face with oreos and feeling sorry for myself.

baby Des - I spent a lovely afternoon with my favorite new parents and sweet baby Des. It was so good to catch up with Elise and Dann and snuggle such a beautiful little boy.

Lego Marvel - Just got it and I really don't know which superhero I like playing the most. (I'm lying it's totally The Hulk)

new jigsaws - I know this makes me an extreme kind of dork but I am super excited about the two brand new 1000-piece jigsaw puzzles that I got this week and I can't wait to get them started.

bad karma, death, and melatonin - Sometimes my therapist and I have sessions where we talk about really depressing things. Oddly, it always makes me feel better.

Things I Love Thursday

Last week I was at home sick so this week's TILT is a two-week love fest.

Wassail! - Let's just say Brian and Rachel throw a darn good party and leave it at that.

Great haircuts - Just in time for the second round of the polar vortex, I got an incredible haircut from the fabulous Dan. Super short and super cute.

OFC Season Five Launched - I've been to all but one of the awesome OFC Launch parties and I'm pretty sure this one was the best. The drinks were great and the food was awesome and DJ Catnip rocked the house as usual. I danced my ass off for hours and sang at the top of my lungs with my girlfriends. A plus party.

Baby Snuggles - A few of the ladies headed over to help Dann and Elise work on their house since the little one came so early. I spent a large part of the afternoon putting together some adorable baby furniture and was rewarded with snuggles of the sweetest kind from tiny Desmond.

Shadow Over Innsmouth - Last weekend I made my one and only sojourn out of the house to see Wildclaw Theatre's adaptation of Shadow Over Innsmouth. I loved every single aspect of this production. When I got home, the ticket went up on the inspiration board because that is exactly the kind of high quality art I want to be involved in.

My family - This year has kind of been kicking the crap out of us health-wise and this week we got the news that my grandpa has stage-four cancer. They've decided that his quality of life will be better if they just make him as comfortable as possible. It's a hard decision but everyone has been very supportive of my grandma and it's good to know we can come together on some things despite all of our differences.

A kick in the butt - I'm honestly not sure where exactly it came from but I gave myself a bit of a kick in the butt this week. In most aspects of my life, I tend to allow myself to be last on everyone's list (including my own). This week, I decided to stop being so nice and accommodating all of the time and stir things up. This means my new office chair finally got ordered and someone is finally coming to fix my office radiator (which has never worked in the five years I've been here). I'm liking the change and planning on making it permanent.

The Michelangelo Effect

There are a great many blogs coming down the pipes but, as they all tend to be a bit more on the serious and possibly controversial side, I'm going to ease into the week with a little food for thought on this lovely cold day in Chiberia. 

In a recent psychology lecture, we were discussing the Michelangelo Effect. The basic idea is that, by being encouraging toward and supportive of our partner's ideals, we, in turn, help to sculpt them into a better version of themselves. The reverse, unfortunately, is also true. We have such power of influence over the people we are close to that we can shape them into the best or worst of who they have the potential to be. I find this to be both beautiful and terrifying. 

We've all had that partner/friend/relative/person of influence that somehow made us less than who we were to begin with. The ones that made us feel unworthy of their love or respect, the ones that encouraged us to eat our feelings, the ones that made us constantly see only the bad things in ourselves. I can name more than I'd ever care to admit. 

But I've also had wonderful people come through my life who helped me to step back out from who I had become and walk ever closer to the person I had always wanted to be. People who reminded me that I was smart, capable, worthy, lovable, talented. In the past two years, I have made strides that I never thought were possible. All because someone encouraged me to change my life for the better. 

So here is my unsolicited advice for the day. Try to see your partner for their potential and encourage them in their dreams. Do not feel the need to constantly tell them their faults, they likely already knew them all well before you came along. And, if your partner makes you feel unworthy, unloved, or disrespected or if they make you unhealthier, meaner, or angrier try to see that for what it is and change it. Do not let anyone every make you feel smaller and do unto others as  you would have them do unto you. Let's try to make this world a happier and kinder place.

Things I Love Thursday

Ladies night - Last Friday, despite the weird torrential downpour following the polar vortex, Elise, Carolyn, and I ventured out for ladies night at The Southern. Holy damn, there wasn't a thing we ordered that was anything less than amazing: southern food, kicked up a level. Plus they had the Vandermill Totally Roasted cider on tap which is never a bad thing.

IKEA - Saturday, the wonderful Ben and Amelia were kind enough to haul me out to the burbs in search of a bed that I was desperately in need of. After a couple of hours shopping and then managing to fit 3 people, a queen-sized bed, a desk, a large shelving unit, and a chair into their TARDIS (I mean car), I spent the rest of the afternoon reorganizing and assembling my new bed. Very happy with my very grown-up purchase. 

My dentist - She's kind and encouraging and has completely cured my fear of going to the dentist. She also thinks I'm really great.

Judo - I got back on the mat Monday night and it felt great. Okay, it hurt like hell, but I realized just how much I've been missing exercise in general and judo specifically in my life. I love the people, I love the work, and I feel amazing when I'm done. Much thanks to Brett for getting me into the class.

Progress in therapy - As much as I almost never feel like a real adult who makes adult decisions, my therapist seems to disagree. She thinks I'm making real progress with several of the goals we set out at the beginning of our meetings so we're going down to every two weeks and maybe I'll have that extra copay money at my disposal by the end of the spring quarter.

Baby! - Turns out we got that ladies night in just in time because Tuesday my darling Elise and her husband Dann welcomed baby Desmond a whole month early. He is the most beautiful little munchkin and I cannot wait to snuggle him. 

Asian Mexican food - So I've been walking by this restaurant pretty much since I moved to Lakeview. It is called La Tacorea and is marketed as an Asian Mexican grill. Needless to say, I've been skeptical. Last night, I went with my friend Travis and (as he had reported) it was really freaking good. A plus, would try again.