Things I Love Thursday

Archery Bruises - I know it's hilarious but, every time I look down at a particularly hideous bruise from an archery lesson, it reminds me that I learned something new that week. I'm the only person in lessons that has reached competition distance and, once I've finished out the lessons I've already paid for, they just want me to start coming in for open range hours to practice on my own and go down to one lesson a month. They're getting me started on more equipment (adding a sight) and, whenever I'm ready to purchase it, they're set to get me fitted and let me know where to get all the proper equipment of my very own. When I started last May, I never thought this was something I was going to actually be good at.

Boxing - My friend Carolyn and I decided to try the boxing class at our gym on Sunday nights and it is amazing. He changes up the workout every week so it never gets boring and it is such a hard class in a really good way. And, even though I hurt my arm because I hit so hard, it feels pretty good when your workout partner tells you that they wouldn't want to meet you in a dark alley. 

Sick Teachers - I was so exhausted on Tuesday and not looking forward to a ridiculously long day with work and class. It was such a relief when my teacher emailed the class telling us she was sick and canceling class. Getting to go home and go to bed at 8:30 was a relief.

Family Visits - The reason why I was so exhausted on Tuesday. My mom's half-sister, Marianne, and her husband, Ken, came down from Michigan for a mini-holiday in Chicago. So my mom's sister, Jodi, came up and my cousin, Alysia, and I met them all for dinner at Quartino's (the restaurant Alysia works at) Monday night where we had

DONUTS - (zeppole) AND an amazing seafood dish (which I don't remember the name of but had nearly every kind of seafood you could imagine), a salumeria tasting plate, crispy calamari, wild arugula salad, pappardelle al sugo di manzo, cavatelli, tortellini, asparagus risotto, gran coppa quartino, panino al gelato limone, torta al cioccolato, and way too much wine, beer, prosecco, and cappuccino  It was amazing even though we stayed out way past my bedtime and the calories will likely be sitting on my thighs for weeks to come.

The Following - My friend, Barry, from English class, and I (unknowingly) write about the same readings every week and decided that we must obviously have the same tastes. He told me I should look into watching The Following because he thought I'd really like it. Holy crap, he was so right, I'm dying for the next episode and I love that the show can surprise me every once in awhile since I'm usually so good at guessing what's coming next. 

Booking Up - My schedule has generally been booked solid of late and, when I am home, all I'm doing is homework and house work and snuggling my girls. I love staying busy anyway and it's been a great way of keeping my mind too busy to mope most of the time. I just keep going and it's nice to enjoy all of my activities and only hang out with the people who I really enjoy spending time with.

You - My readers. I mostly started this for my own personal rant spot and I never really expected anyone except maybe my mom to read it so seeing 20-40 hits on every post is really a nice feeling that people are listening and care. Thanks guys!

An Inconvenient Truth

I've been dealing with a lot of rage the past couple of weeks. Lies, unfairness, they've all just kind of taken their toll on me, and I'm so tired of life never working out the way I had planned. I've always tried to maintain a positive attitude and not dwell on the past and never regret the choices I've made but I'm just so angry right now with fate, with my most recent ex, with other guys in my past, and mostly with myself because I can't seem to believe that things are ever going to work out in my favor. This anger is causing me sleepless nights, bad archery lessons, and caused me to hit so hard that I pulled something horribly during boxing last night. And then it breaks me. I get so angry, I fall apart and end up a weeping mess on my shower floor begging for peace that never comes. There are so many good things happening for me lately and I just can't fully enjoy them because I can't let go of the hurts that have been done to me. 
I always wanted to be a mom. My first husband and I had the names picked out, when we would start trying, everything all planned. When he was gone and when relationship after relationship and more-than-friendship-that-never-became-a-relationship went belly up, I started telling everyone I didn't want it, that it wasn't important, it was the furthest thing from my mind. I even had myself pretty convinced for awhile that I'd be okay if that dream never worked out for me. But seeing my friends and my cousin and the amazing relationships they have with their daughters, that smile mirrored on the same tiny face, the intimacy of breastfeeding, watching them comfort their child the only way a mother can. I've been jealous. Every time Alba reaches for my hand and says, 'Come on, Emmy', every time Ella dances or sings or tells me all about her day, when Ivy hugs me or falls asleep in my arms, a little piece of my heart breaks.
Then, last year, I thought I had finally gotten close to allowing myself to dream again. Yes, I needed years to finish up my degrees, places I wanted to travel to, things I wanted to do first but I was finally with someone who wasn't financially dependent on me, who acted like a grown up, who I thought loved me, and who I could actually see a vividly happy future with. I let myself believe I could have a family one day and that, just once, things were going to work out well for me instead of going horribly wrong like the always do.
Sitting here today, with nothing to show and having to start all over again, I am angry. My first husband is still with the girl who destroyed our marriage. My ex took the girl he started dating as soon as I moved out three months ago on a trip for Valentine's day. And I feel like some sick cosmic joke and like every relationship I've been in or almost been in has been just one more lie I told myself to get through the pain of loneliness.
I'm angry and I don't know how to fix it.

Attachment Styles and Invisible Girl Syndrome

Oh man, some days. Yesterday was even rougher than I thought it would be and I just couldn't find it in me to write a TILT. I know those are the days I'm supposed to fight through and do it anyway but there was just no drive to accomplish it. It was especially hard coming off of Wednesday when I was on such a major high. It was a good week for self-realization though. 
Last night's lecture in Developmental Psych was on attachment styles. If you don't know what I'm talking about, check here for a good description <http://www.simplypsychology.org/mary-ainsworth.html>. Now I'm relatively certain I started life out as a securely attached child but, unusually, something changed and I am pretty much a perfect description of an insecure ambivalently attached adult right down to the somatization, high vagal nerve tone, constant fears that my friends and partners don't care about me as much as I care about them, positive feelings about others while always looking negatively at myself, anxiety, and depression. Not to mention the fact that ambivalent females tend to lean toward relationships with avoidant males. Starting to think some therapy sessions wouldn't go amiss, just so I can try to work out some of the issues that are likely destroying all of my relationships and making me miserable. I also made a major breakthrough in my "Invisible Girl Syndrome". I've had this problem since at least high school. Groups of friends would have a gathering and forget to invite me, people would run into me in the store like I wasn't there, the speaker at my high school graduation mentioned everyone in the class except for me (there were only 55 of us), every time I tried to speak up in a group I would get interrupted or ignored, and I've even been sat on on the bus. It's incredibly frustrating and depressing and anxiety-causing. I realized in class on Tuesday that I am no longer invisible. I am the popular girl. The girls compliment my clothes and my hair and want my phone number so we can grab drinks, the guys all want to talk to me, the teacher wants to hear my opinion. Random people on the street or in stores or restaurants talk to me. My friends don't forget about me for weeks on end and phone or email or text or make plans without my feeling like I'm the only one who ever initiates. I've started stating my opinion at work and in classes and in social settings and people listen and actually hear me. It's liberating. 

The Dreaded Holiday

It's such a weird thing to look back one year and realize how much has changed. Things you never could have predicted then. Last Valentine's Day was a really great time for me. Things were going better than they had in longer than I can remember. While I was frustrated with my job situation, I had finally started trying to do something about it. I had started to brainstorm about how I could get back to school and finish my degree. I had finally stopped being nervous and told Michael that I loved him. He had asked me to move in and was about to put an offer on the condo that would be our home together. We were a week away from heading to Vegas for our first vacation together and probably the best Christmas present anyone could have gotten me since I hadn't been on a real vacation in about five years. For Valentine's Day, even though he was unsuccessful, Michael tried to get me a piano (someone was giving it away but he couldn't find enough people to move it). Even now, when I think about that, I tear up a little because it is absolutely the most loving thing anyone has tried to do for me. When I moved to the city, I had to sell my piano that I had had since childhood because there was no way I could afford to move it and I desperately miss playing the piano. So, since we were going to Vegas the next week, we decided to stay home for Valentine's day. I made lemon shrimp asparagus risotto with a fancy salad and some nice french bread followed up by some raspberry sorbet with mint and dark chocolate lacies. I felt so accomplished having cooked an entire difficult meal by myself and Michael bought me a bouquet of beautiful orange roses at the Jewel downstairs. We ate dinner and watched TV and it was probably the best Valentine's day I've ever had. If you had told me then that this Valentine's Day we would have broken up, he would be dating someone new, and we wouldn't even be talking, I never could have believed you. Something about that trip changed everything. I was nervous and out of my element the whole time, constantly worried about whether he was having a good time with me. We had our first fight in the year and a half we'd been together and, when we got home, everything was different. He started pulling away, kept wavering on whether or not I was moving in, and we started to arguing more regularly usually about nothing important. The truth is I still don't know what actually went wrong and why, out of the blue, he suddenly fell out of love with me. Maybe we just cracked under the pressure of our stressful lives, maybe he was terrified of following through with the commitment, maybe he never really loved me as much as I thought he did, I guess I'll never know. I've changed so much over the past five months, good changes. Learning to take it easier on myself and allow things to happen, being more comfortable when things don't happen exactly the way I had planned, letting go of my fears and insecurities, making my own friends, doing things I've always wanted to do and try. But the truth is that relationship was thing that always pushed me to be better, to try harder, to get on medications for my depression, to stop being mediocre and allow myself to be the best version of myself, and I feel so very lost and sad without my best friend and partner in crime. I don't see that it's really possible to find that kind of connection twice in a lifetime and that scares me more than I'd like. Tomorrow will be overwhelmingly hard but I'll get up, walk the dog, eat breakfast, pack my bag for the day, take a shower and get ready, go to work all day, go to class all night, and come home to spend some time with the girls before going to bed. No Valentine's Day will ever be quite the same without him though.

The Hypocrisy of Tolerance

This will be a blog heavy week, I apologize in advance but I have a lot to say and I'll try to spread it out over a few days. 

It's been a weird kind of week on the internet between the Sullivan Indiana fiasco and the pope resigning. Sadly, I'm noticing a trend that I really wish I wasn't. I find it really disturbing that my same close friends that have been posting about their outrage with Diana Medley and the Sullivan High School anti-gay prom are the same people who also posted such things as "My Darwin shark ate your Jesus fish" or "Maybe it's time we stopped having a pope". My dear friends, tolerance is not limited to your particular cause or lifestyle. I realize that I am probably taking my life into my hands addressing any of these topics but c'est la vie.

Religion. I, personally, have not been any practicing religion in many years. I just don't buy it. I have my own personal set of beliefs and practices and I don't feel the need to go around telling everyone about them because they are mine, it's no one else's business and I don't need justification or flack for something that does not belong to someone else. I expect the same tolerance and respect from everyone else. I am happy for you if going to church every week and Sunday school and reading your bible works for you. I am equally happy for you if you don't believe in a higher power and think that all the phenomenon and beauty of the world is explained by science. However, I do not appreciate the constant need to force that opinion down other people's throat and both extremes are equally guilty. It is absolutely offensive that you feel the need to tell other people what they should or should not believe in. 

Politics. Democrats: please stop telling Republicans they're wrong about everything. Republicans: please stop telling Democrats they're wrong about everything. I feel like a mom telling her kids to stop hitting each other but here's the deal: it is highly unlikely that anyone's political beliefs are 100% correct. Also, the president is just a guy doing the best job he can with a truly shitty job, there will never be a president that makes 100% of the population happy, and, if it's your turn to be in the minority, take it like an adult and realize that it will not always be the case. In addition, please please please stop calling President Obama a socialist or communist unless you have actually taken the time to research what those words actually mean. Trust me, I consider myself a socialist and there are many things the president and I do not agree upon.

Guns. While I do not see the reason for any human being to own an automatic weapon or excessive amounts of ammo, I also think the crazy people who are going to go on shooting sprees are already planning to do something illegal so it doesn't really matter how many regulations are placed on guns, if they want one they'll probably find one. On the other hand, pro-gun folks, if the president puts regulations on guns, he is not stepping on your rights. You will still be able to buy guns, you will still be able to hunt or go to the shooting range, you just might have to fill out a little extra paperwork. I promise it won't kill you but it could save a small child's life so chill out and get a little perspective. 

Abortion. Pro-lifers: don't get an abortion, no one will think less of you, but stop assuming that you know someone else's reason for making a difficult decision to the contrary. You do not know someone's background or circumstances and it is never your decision what someone else does with their own body. Also, if you want to help ensure there are less abortions, why don't you start advocating abstinence awareness programs and making birth control more readily available for everyone? The more we educate our children and make preventative options available to them, the less we will have to worry about unplanned pregnancies and what decisions will have to be made about them.

Bigotry. I wish it wasn't true but this country still has not conquered racism (and all races are guilty of it in some way) but the way the country has been treating anyone who is different is appalling. The bullying and child suicides are getting out of control. And the gay rights movement is a thing that should just not need to exist. We've already been through this before with women and African-Americans, how is it we still haven't figured it out? If you don't want to marry someone from a different race, then don't. If you don't want to marry someone of the same sex, then don't. BUT DON' TELL OTHER PEOPLE WHO THEY ARE ALLOWED TO LOVE. This is a really simple concept, other people's lifestyle choices and sexual identities do not affect you in any way, they're just people trying to do the exact same things you're trying to do in life.

Your religious beliefs or non-beliefs are not better than anyone else's, your political beliefs are not better than anyone else's, your opinions on gun-control and abortion should not affect how other people live their lives, and your bigotry should stay in the privacy of your own home so that everyone in this country is allowed to have equal opportunities. Your beliefs are yours. Own them, be proud of them but do not expect everyone else to share them. We will never have a truly tolerant society until everyone learns to live and let live but, for now, stop talking the talk if you're not willing to walk the walk.

I Statements

I'm okay, really, but there are just some things I need to get off of my chest.

I don't have words for how much I miss my best friend.
I miss talking to him every day. 
I don't know how to go back or move forward.
I don't know what to feel or believe anymore.
I feel hurt because he walked away without a fight or even an apology.
I feel abandoned, forgotten, and unimportant.
I sometimes have a hard time not crying, which gets embarrassing in class, at work, or on the train.
I feel like we were so close to getting it right and something has gone horribly wrong in the world.
I feel angry that I was replaced so quickly.
I am upset that gave up so much to live with him, that he would make me feel guilty for taking up space in the house or if I tried to display any of my own household decor, or if my dog barked or my cat shed. 
I am outraged that he is displaying his new girlfriend's artwork in his home when he got upset with me for displaying my tasteful knickknacks on my nightstand.
I get furious when I think about how he never stood up for me when his friends were intentionally leaving me out of social events.
I'm inconsolably lonely.
I can't sleep without him.
I've never feel like it is impossible that I will ever connect with another person on that level.
I am terrified that I will be alone for the rest of my life.
I feel lied to because he told me he didn't want to date anyone anytime soon and could never be in a poly relationship and started dating a poly girl two weeks after I moved out.
I wonder if anything he ever told me was true and if he ever really loved me.
I'm scared this ache will never go away.
I'm scared it will and I'll be hurt by someone new.
I don't know what to do now.
I hate my life without him but I don't know how to be around him.
I feel stupid for having ever trusted him.
I pray every day for some kind of insight, a sign of what to do, a little bit of hope.
I'm losing faith.
I'm so lost.

Things I Love Thursday

The Gym - Holy Cow. It feels so good to be back in a gym and back to running. I've been dying to get back to regular workouts and last weeks setback of the demon cold virus was so frustrating. While I may not have been in the best of shape to get through my half hour Rope Rage class last night (jump roping combined with strength training), I felt so great afterward.

My Local Starbucks - Having a Starbucks on the way to the train in the morning is a godsend and this one is especially fantastic. Even when there's a line (and there is rarely a line of more than three people), service is quick and everyone is particularly friendly. The especially fem African-American boy who is almost always there is the nicest, sunniest person and my favorite person that I don't officially know.

Doctor Who - So, Zach and I powered through and caught up with season 7 of Doctor Who. Oh man, the feels. So many emotions, weeping, laughing. This is definitely on my top five list of favorite shows of all time. It's really hard to rank them between Buffy, HIMYM, Scrubs, Coupling, and Doctor Who but damn, I love this show.

Pink - I've always been a fan of Pink. I think she's an incredible performer and her lyrics always manage to touch me deeply. I've been listening to Just Give Me a Reason on repeat for weeks now. I can't begin to tell you what this song means to me. If you haven't heard it, look up the lyrics, watch this youtube video. http://youtu.be/OpQFFLBMEPI It's amazeballs. 

Inner Peace - This is something I've always struggled with. Being good enough, letting the past go, letting my mind just shut down, I'm always thinking too much. Lately though, the mind buzz is getting fewer and farther between. Meditation helps but I think a lot of it is just learning not to dwell and giving myself over to my emotions without constantly trying to fix myself. 

My Gran - I've been so busy that I haven't had time to call her every week like usual but oversleeping this morning and catching a later train than usual was a great opportunity to do so. She's just so encouraging, supportive, and always full of love, I always feel better after talking to her.

Zombicide - Oh, Zombie board games, they're so much fun and this one is especially so. I got one of my favorite compliments of all time from my friend, Carol-Anne, after last weekends late-night session, "I like your kind of crazy." While everyone else was running around a supermarket trying to collect supplies, I (my character) was driving in circles around the building, laughing maniacally (actually me), and squishing zombies by the dozen. So so so much fun. Also, it's never a bad night hanging with Brian, Carol-Anne, Craig, Tim, Sarah, and little miss Ivy (getting to hold a sleeping baby for a good part of the game was definitely a plus).

Classes - I really enjoy my classes this quarter. There is a ton of discussion involved and the teacher's are challenging and it's really rewarding when you get praise or a good grade.

Letting Go of Fear - I think fear is one of the biggest detriments to self-confidence. I have been scared of so many things for so long: failure, rejection, taking risks. I was scared to go to the gym because I thought people would judge me (or hid on a treadmill and wouldn't go to group fitness classes so most people wouldn't stare at me), I was scared to go back to college, I was scared to leave Champaign, I was scared to put all of myself into a relationship/friendship, I was scared to try things I've always wanted to try. This past year has been a major revelation in letting go of all of that baggage and getting out and enjoying my life.