summer dread

Usually, around this time of year, I am insanely happy despite being extremely stressed out at work. The weather is getting warmer, the sun stays out longer, and there are so many amazing things to look forward to in the city during the summer. This year I'm kind of dreading the next two months. It's been a difficult year and there are a good many dates in June and July I would really just love to skip.

June 12th: Three years ago, I had dinner at Bar on Buena and went down to Grant Park for Blues Fest with a guy I had only met a couple of times. We sat on the peninsula next to the planetarium admiring the skyline and talking about anything and everything: how we grew up on Nick at Nite, the absolute perfection of the oreo cookie, and how brunch was the best meal of the day. As we started to meander back toward the train, fireworks celebrating the Blackhawks recent Stanley Cup when started over at Navy Pier. We had our first kiss there under the fireworks underneath the skyline I have been in love with my whole life. It was the best first date I have ever had in my life. Over the ensuing weeks, months, and years, I found happiness that I had never experienced and a depth of loss that I wouldn't wish on my greatest enemy. I would run from the bus to his apartment because I was so excited to spend time with him, I found trust and hope and I would have followed him anywhere for the rest of my life, and I still have nights where I cannot sleep because he is gone. I miss my best friend and the only true equal partner I ever had and anniversaries, no matter how trivial, don't make it any easier.

June 17th: Also three years ago, on a Thursday morning, my cousin shot himself in the head. The truth is, I was never sad about it, just angry. And I still am. When I see his smile on his son's face or the emptiness behind his parents smiles, I don't get sentimental or weepy, I get angry that he's not here to make them better.

June 28th: This year my grandparents will celebrate their 55th wedding anniversary which unfortunately means that, on that day, I will not celebrate my 10th wedding anniversary. I am so very over that relationship. I was a child that was lost and I am a way stronger person than I was then but I also haven't really gotten any better at judging my relationships since then and that...hurts.

July 20th: I will turn 30. I have huge plans with my cousins: a 5k, skydiving, tattoos, good food, but I'm not looking forward to it as much as I should be. Now don't get me wrong, I am not inherently terrified of the actual process of turning 30. You couldn't pay me to go back to 20 or even 25. The problem is that I am not anywhere near where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I haven't finished a degree, I don't have a fulfilling career, I have no relationship, and no family of my own. I've accomplished so much over the past four years but I miss that human connection. I miss being able to trust people and I miss having emotions that are anything deeper than surface stuff. And I'm terrified of spending the rest of my life with no partner. I love my friends and my family and my pets but there's always something missing and it makes everything else feel half as great as it should. I know that he's not coming back and I am suffocating under the loss of something so much more than love. And I just can't find the ability to trust anyone else to try again. 

All I can hope is that I make it through to the other end of summer.