Things I Love Thursday

Robitussin - Colds suck but Robitussin gives me a pleasant hour or two break from the yuck.

Sleep - I may have slept straight through the alarm this morning but, while I don't necessarily feel healthier, I definitely feel well-rested.

Flexible Employers - That don't get mad at you because the cold meds make you sleep through the alarm.

U Choir - I know I mentioned this once already this week but Saturday night's concert was just truly amazing. It was great to see Brenna, Sissy, and Dr. Holmes up there performing and amazing to see all of my MU choir friends and just made that little ache in my soul that just wants to sing all day long full of love for the beautiful music.

Cuddly Puppies - My dog always seems to know when I just can't handle that much from her (when I'm sick or massively depressed) so last night instead of chasing the cat around the apartment or barking at the upstairs neighbors she curled up in my lap and let me doze instead of having to expend energy scolding her.

Meditation - I started doing a nightly meditation at the beginning of the year and it started out at 5 minutes because that was as long as I could sit in silence without my brain exploding but I've gotten up to 15 and it's starting to be one of the nicest parts of the day.

Losing inches - So I stopped stepping on a scale awhile ago because it was so frustrating to see the same 140-145 every single time. No matter how much different my body felt I never lost any poundage. At the beginning of the month, I decided to just start measuring every few weeks and I've already lost an inch on my waist this year. I also finally got my hair cut to the length I wanted it at the beginning of the year (I love Dan Aquato).

The inner metronome - Over the holidays, I had this truly lovely conversation with my friend, Grant, that I love to pass along. He recently spent a few months performing in a show in NYC and was telling me how much he loves it there and that he thinks everyone has an inner metronome and it's important to find a city to live in that matches that beat, which is how I've always felt about Chicago, I just never could have put it so well.

Support - No matter how crappy I'm feeling, it's great that I'm surrounded with so many people that are always there to build me up and give me support just when I need it most.

Highs and Lows

Last night I was reading about confessional poets (i.e. Sylvia Plath) and, with NaPoWriMo approaching in just two months, I figured I should prepare my readers (if there are any). I am the very definition of a confessional poet. Sometimes they are just plain sappy and sometimes they will likely make you uncomfortable. Just know that, if it gets to a dark place, that I do know when to get help and I am in no real danger. With that in mind, how about a confessional blog?

This past week was the very definition of extreme highs and extreme lows. I started the week off doing okay, managing to stay up with my work, homework, house work, meditation, journaling, work out program but by Friday I was just exhausted and thought it wouldn't be a terrible thing to just take one night off. I sat in my chair and played Lego Harry Potter all night and just tried to relax from the week. I wish I could say this didn't turn into a bit of a habit over the next few days but I'm going for honesty here. 

Saturday was a day of highs. After last weekends dismal archery lesson, I was really hoping it was a fluke and I could find my zen again this week. Mission accomplished. I managed to stay in my goal scoring most of the hour and we've decided to move the target back to the full 18 yards next week. Hoping some shiny new archery equipment will be a good 30th birthday present this summer. Then ran down to Hyde Park for a Passion Party with a few of my girl friends. Usually, this kind of thing bothers me. It turns into a bunch of giggly girls who are uptight about sex and just end up saying horrible, embarrassing things. But my girl friends are all open, honest, unbiased people with a mature and intellectual approach to the topic and it was actually a quite enjoyable way to spend an afternoon. 

In the evening, I ran up to the UIC campus for the U Choir concert. U Choir (the top choir at my university) is my one biggest regret from my college experience. When I started out, I was set up to be a pretty big deal as far as the choir scene at my school (which is kind of a big deal). By the end of my freshman year, I had let depression and smoking take over and, even though I was called back for U Choir the next year, I didn't make it in and even got demoted to a lower choir than I had been in the year before. I never got the chance again. I had to watch them perform every year with all of my friends and I can honestly say that, musically, nothing has ever filled that sense of loss I have for a missed opportunity. Seeing them perform Saturday was beautifully moving and joyful and sad. The smile on Dr. Holmes' face when I hugged him, watching him conduct, listening to the beautiful sounds of this year's kids, ecstatic reunions with old friends, a feeling of pride watching my friend Sissy enjoying her senior year the right way with the best choir, and a twinge of sadness as they stood in circle afterward and I could only watch from the outside. Afterward, Zach and I headed over to Galway from some good food and Magner's. Overall, it was a fantastic day.

But then the lows hit. Because at the end of every fantastic day, no matter how great my friends are and no matter how good my life is going, I go back to a dark apartment alone. It's so frustrating because I don't know when this grieving process will end. It's been four months and I am no closer to being okay than I was the first week. Every once in awhile I think I'm starting to get on an upswing and then the depression sneaks back in and, lately, it has been raging. It's affecting me in so many ways: headaches, stress, anxiety, crying uncontrollably at the drop of a hat, lack of appetite, breakouts, horrible heartburn, increase in nervous tics, eye spasms, insomnia, inability to do anything but sleep during the day when I should be getting things done around the house, general body aches, blah, blah, blah. In college, I was pretty far gone down a road of self harm and that is just not a place I ever allow myself to go anymore but it's definitely been rough. Losing my boyfriend was horrible but then having to walk away from him as my best friend because it's just too difficult right now is quite literally the most difficult thing I've ever gone through. Part of me really hoped, after I told him, that I'd at least get an apology or that he wouldn't accept it and would fight to keep me in his life. No such luck though. 

There are currently three mes vying for constant attention and they all activate one another. First, there is "Hopeful E". She lives in a constant state of optimism with such great ideas as "maybe today is the day he'll call/email/contact me and apologize", "maybe he'll be waiting for me at my apartment when I get home because he's seen the error of his ways", "maybe we'll just happen to run into each other in a city of nearly 3 million people". I know she's foolish and unreasonable but she gives me something to look forward to. That is until she activates "Angry E". She is in a constant state of disgust with the hopeful me and likes to swoop in and remind me how stupid it is to think things like that, that I'm an ass for having feelings, and that it's over and I'm going to be alone forever so I might as well suck it up and deal. As you can imagine, she activates "Weepy E", the pathetic mope-monster that can't stop crying and cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. Eventually, I get so low that I again trigger hopeful me as a response to cheer me up and the cycle starts all over again and every time, it feels like I find a new low place. 

It's maddening and there are no answers and there is no cure. So I get up and walk the dog and make myself breakfast and shower every morning. I go to work 8:30-5 Monday through Friday. I go to class on Tuesday and Thursday nights. I attend archery lessons every Saturday. I go to the gym for yoga, rope rage, spinning, kickboxing, ballet, weight training, and running. I spend time with friends. I cook nice meals. I go out to eat. I buy myself the things that I want and need. I do homework and clean the house. I cuddle the animals and play xbox. I babysit. I have long Doctor Who marathons in the suburbs. Every night I journal, do sit-ups, floss, and meditate. I do everything I can to not sit at home and be alone with the three Es and give into despair and hopelessness. Because that's all you can do. Keep going. And hope. Hope tomorrow will be better, that something will give, that something will change, that you will wake up and finally be okay again. 

A rant on bullying/bullies

I've had this on my mind for awhile with no way of getting it off of my chest so here goes. Let me start out by saying I am not a proponent of bullying. I think it is a major problem in this country and needs to be addressed by everyone strong enough to stand up and fight for the people being bullied. I, personally, never had a problem with bullying. I was small but perfectly capable of kicking your ass if you tried to physically bully me and everyone knew it. When people would try to verbally bully me, I was too logical to let it hit home. I specifically remember one guy in 6th grade who made fun of me for weeks for misspelling a word in the spelling bee (where I came in fourth place in the whole school). This boy never even attempted to be in the spelling bee, probably had no idea what the word I misspelled even meant, and wore shorts every day even in the dead of Illinois winter. Twelve-year-old me didn't think his opinion was worthy of my self-doubt. I realize that everyone does not have that luxury. 
However, there is a group of people that, until my recent break up, I spent a large amount of time with. A few of them were very verbal (quite often) about being bullied as children and how it had affected them and also morbidly gleeful when bad things would happen to their former antagonists. Firstly, get over it. You're nearly 30 and this happened over a decade ago. You are not currently being bullied, your life is not currently terrible, and there is no conceivable reason why you should bring it up nearly every time there is a large group of people to listen to your sob story. Second, how does it make you any better than them when you wish bad things upon them? I can honestly say that there is no one that I truly hate or wish ill upon. It does you no good to hang on to anger and really just ruins your own personal karma and other people's opinions of you. 
Third, and most personal, you have become what you hate. These same people are a particularly surreptitious group of snobby elitists. They are incredibly unwelcoming to people outside of their own personally selected group and, even after two and a half years, would not invite a person's significant other to a party. I have watched them attend a person's birthday party where there were several individuals from outside of their clique. Instead of using the opportunity to meet someone new or join in a conversation that they may not have otherwise had, they sequestered themselves off in rooms by themselves and talked to each other. Some of them have even been rude enough to walk around a group of people saying "hello" or "goodbye" to every single person and skipping over me because I am no longer their friend's girlfriend (so apparently that means common courtesy can now be ignored). I find all of these behaviors appalling and have had conversations with several mutual friends who feel the same way. My big questions are, 1) Why does no one call them on it? and, 2) Why doesn't everyone see it and stop hanging out with them?  
Take a stand, never allow other people's low opinion of you become your reality, and fight back against discrimination.

Things I Love Thursday

Furniture - Mom, Jodi, and Mark came up on Saturday to drop off my mamasan chair and a pub table and stools for my place. Now that everything is rearranged, it's finally starting to feel like a place where people live.

Babysitting for Ivy - I seriously love this kid. We read books, played with toys, made monkey noises, I sang her songs, and the best part of the day was when she curled up in my arms and took a nap. There is absolutely nothing more precious than watching a child sleep. Except maybe when they laugh because you did something they find hilarious.

Three Day Weekends - That may have turned into four day weekends because of headaches but it was definitely nice to have the time off to relax, catch up on sleep and homework, and spend some time with my mammals.

New Laptop - Oh, new Dell, how I love you so. I have not owned a computer since mine died in June of 2010 and finally decided that homework was making it a necessity. So I got a new computer. It's so pretty and Windows 8 is fascinating and it's just so nice to have that freedom again that I don't have to spend all of my free time at the library trying to speed type papers.

Knife Skills - I have  been a foodie for several years now and gradually been collecting recipes, watching as many cooking shows as possible, and teaching myself how to cook all of the fantastic foods I love to eat. My knife skills have been seriously lacking. It's the one thing you just can't learn until someone stands in front of you with a knife and says "this is how you hold it, this is where every finger goes, this is the motion the knife should make while cutting, now I'm going to show you how to cut these various vegetables in different ways, and now I'm going to let you practice and come around and give you pointers on improving". Now I feel pretty darn comfortable with my knife skills, how to choose and sharpen my own knives, and I may have a little bit of a crush on cutie teacher, Chef Brian. 

Lego Harry Potter - I got an Xbox from my fabulous sister for Christmas. Previously, I owned nothing but different versions of SSX which is great but after you screw up your run for the tenth time in a row and want to throw the TV across the room, it's nice to have a low stress game to fall back on. Cue Lego Harry Potter. If you die, the pieces put themselves back together and there are no time limits so you have plenty of time to figure out puzzles without the constant need to start over because your time has elapsed. Love it!

Classes - They may be stressful and causing me a large amount of sleep deprivation during the week but I really enjoy classes. I have a couple of friends from my previous English class that are now in my Lit class and it's quite enjoyable to have someone to sit with, group up with, and walk to the train with every Tuesday night. My Developmental Psych class is one I've been looking forward to and it's great to be in a class where most people share your interests and a common background.

Great Friends - I wouldn't have been able to make it through this winter without some really amazing friends. Amelia is my life line and listens to my whining, crying, and ranting with patience and without judgment. Sarah and Tim let me blow off steam with their munchkin and listen to my problems and joys and give me a great sense of family. Zach and I have ridiculous late night conversations about Doctor Who and long Sunday afternoon Doctor Who marathons in the suburbs, it's nice having my old college friend back. Special props to Terri, Emily, Carolyn, Elise, John, Kendra, Ben, Mary Claire, Bekah, Sumner, Chris, Katie, mom, Elaine, Jarad, Alysia, Martha, and anyone else who has invited me out, made me feel welcome, sent me words of encouragement, or just listened to me bitch. I appreciate it more than I could possibly explain.

Exercise - I'm really enjoying my new active life. Yoga, running, archery, ab workouts, weight lifting, dancing, and thinking about starting judo. It's amazing how much better I feel than I did just three short years ago.

Grown-up Purchases - I know this is a little silly but it's been a really long time since I was able to get much of anything for myself that wasn't a necessity. In the first few months of this year I will have bought a brand new winter coat (the expensive one that I wanted not the cheap one because it was all I could afford), a laptop, a real Japanese futon with tatami mat to sleep upon, a Samsung Galaxy S3 for my new phone, and paid down a significant chunk on my credit card debt. It's a great feeling of relief to be able to get things like this accomplished.