Things I Love Thursday

nothing to do - last Friday and Saturday, I had literally nothing to do. I played Dragon Age on my Xbox, slept for like 13 hours, and just enjoyed the quiet.

eggs - Sunday morning I took a class on eggs at The Chopping Block. We made a spinach, egg, and sausage strata, a hashbrown skillet with overeasy eggs, french omelets, and eggs benedict. The recipes were amazing and I finally feel like I have a few more good dishes under my belt.

baby snuggles - Sunday night I babysat my sweet Ivy Jane. We read books and played with toys and, when it was clear she had had quite enough fun for one day, I made her a bottle, put on her pjs and snuggled down in the guest bed with her in the crook of my arm, Griffy the cat purring loudly in my lap, and some fascinating psych research in my hand. It was pretty much a perfect evening.

my menomonee family - I was in some truly shitty head space on Monday. So much so that I sat on my couch crying for fifteen minutes before pulling myself together and heading to the dojo. I really wasn't sure that I was going to even be able to enjoy myself but figured I could use the workout. After a thorough ass-kicking and great chats with the other ladies and my senseis, I went home with a huge smile on my face.

wake-up calls - I may not have appreciated it in college when I didn't need to be up early for class but I am grateful that my mom and I talk every morning. If I haven't called her, she calls me, which on Tuesday was a good thing because I slept straight through the alarm and would have gone on sleeping all day if she hadn't called me up.

once upon a time - just started finally watching this show and holy crap, LOVE it.

stop allowing yourself to be undersold

There is an adage that really annoys the crap out of me: "People don't change." I think it gives people an excuse to stay in the same hopeless ruts they've gotten themselves into and to undersell their full potential. I also find that the biggest obstacle that one must overcome in their process of change is fighting the preconceptions that the people you are closest to have formed about how you will always be. I have spent many years struggling past these prejudices to become the person I am today. 
As I was growing up, there were several things my family could tell you about me without stopping to think: I was awkward and terrible at athletics and dancing, I could not cook even the simplest of dishes, I was clumsy and if there was a drink on the table I was likely to spill it (my ex-husband even bought me sippy cups for Christmas one year), and I was easily humiliated. If you asked my college year friends what my key characteristics were they would tell you that I was always the token topless chick at the party, I had a tendency to get drunk and make incredibly stupid decisions, I was a serial marrier (yeah I just made that word up, shut up), and my clothing was slutty goth. Before I came to Chicago people would say I was socially awkward, painfully shy, I was afraid of everything, unable to speak my mind, and lacking any tiny bit of self confidence.
What I have learned, over the past four years is that I am none of those things. No, dancing will never come naturally to me but when I have confidence and enjoy it, I'm actually quite a good dancer. I'm also incredibly athletic, just not in any kind of sporting activities I would have tried as a child. I'm also an amazing cook. I've been baking for years and slowly increasing my repertoire as time and study allows. Once I stopped worrying about being clumsy all the time, I became more graceful, my mistakes became fewer, and I learned to laugh at the silly things I sometimes still do. It is nearly impossible to embarrass me now because I no longer care about how everyone else will react. I am over my crazy party girl phase, I rarely get drunk, I haven't made any truly terrible relationship choices in quite a long time, I've sophisticated up my wardrobe without becoming a fashion clone, I have no problem making new friends or trying new things, I consider myself pretty fearless, and I'm not going to hold back from giving you a piece of my mind.
Most of this comes down to self confidence. I had it beaten down quite often over school and relationships and the people who only saw me as my flaws persisted in leaving me unable get it back. My family still asks if they're going to get food poisoning if I cook for a family function, my friends still make horrible jokes about my failed marriages and bad decisions, and everyone is shocked when I succeed after having screwed up so many times. 
I have a friend who is quite a decent cook, he has made me dinner several times and I have had few complaints. However, when he moved in with his roommate (a chef instructor), she would constantly tell him everything he was doing wrong in his cooking and treated him like a dumb child. As the year progressed, his cooking would get progressively worse and he eventually stopped entirely, assumedly being convinced that he really wasn't good at cooking. 
All of this makes me wonder why we, as friends and family, do not encourage the people we love to be their very best? Why do we only insist on seeing the things that have gone wrong and not allow people to grow into something other than how we see them? Please please please do not dwell on someone's former mistakes, constantly encourage them to aim higher, don't act surprised when they do something amazingly well, and allow them to change. It is possible. 

hell of a week and a challenge

This week has been truly insane. Bombings, explosions, sink holes, flash floods, shootings, man hunts, and a ridiculous amount of amber alerts. And that's just global news. I know a lot of people I love have been struggling with their own personal crises. However, in troubled times, I have always found it more important than ever to remember the good things we have. So I have a challenge for my dearest friends and lovely readers. Write your own list of "Things I Love Thursday (or Friday or whenever you get around to writing one)". You can post it as a comment, on your own blog, in your Facebook status, or even as a post-it on your desk. It's just important to remember that, even through difficult times, that we are amazingly blessed. Also, tell people how you feel. Write an email, make a phone call, pay a visit, just make sure the people you care about know you care about them. Stop putting it off until later or when you feel better or have something interesting to say and do it now because you never know when you will no longer have the chance. 

Things I Love Thursday

live lit - Friday night, Amelia was part of a live lit performance over at the Holiday Club. It was an amazing evening with some truly incredible stories that were shared and Amelia blew everyone's doors in. After, we all stayed, ate tater tots and sandwiches, drank beer, and heard amazing stories about Joy's OkCupid adventures. 

a day about town - Last Saturday, my friend, Barry, came in from the burbs. We hit up the zoo, had fish and chips and cider at my favorite pub, and grabbed ice cream at Bobtail. It was fun showing him around to some of my favorite Chicago places and nice having a friend to spend the day with.

girl's night out - Sunday, Carolyn and I had margaritas and dinner at my favorite Mexican restaurant, grabbed some frozen yogurt, and took my dog for a walk in some fantastic weather. I seriously love my girlfriends and it's really nice to have one that lives so close.

home again, home again - My uncle got to go home on Tuesday. He's still got a lot of recovery to do and will be living with my aunt and grandparents for the time being but I am so glad that he's going strong.

a teeny tiny crush - Now don't get me wrong, I still have no desire to date (like ever) but I have a little bit of a schoolgirl crush on my psych teacher. We both have sayings tattooed on our forearms, he studied abroad in Japan, he is a giant language nerd, he taught class barefoot rather than walk around in wet shoes and socks all night, he's about my age, and he's cute in a geeky kind of way. It was kind of nice to realize that my insides haven't completed died.

my bed - The weather has been shitty, the news has been horrible, and it's been a trying week for a lot of people I know and love. So at the end of the night, after being wet and cold for days on end, it's nice to curl up in my warm, pillowy bed with my girls and just forget about the world for a little while.

spread love

The events of yesterday are heartbreaking. How anyone could attack runners is so far beyond my understanding. I've been a part of the Chicago running community for only about six months now but it is such a beautiful expression of how I wish the world could be: supportive, loving, and only competing with yourself for betterment. These are the people that make the world a better place and I cannot begin to imagine why anyone would want to hurt them. I find myself looking to the rest of the world and waiting for them to climb on board. Everyone is saddened and outraged but the only words they seem to be able to find belong to others. I've seen the same Mr. Roger's quote, Patton Oswalt speech, and Leonard Bernstein quote from nearly everyone I know. What I don't see are the links to websites where you can send help, pleas for people to go donate blood, or a clear knowledge that anyone has learned anything new from another senseless attack on innocent lives. I sincerely wish that everyone would stop looking to famous people to know how to react. Our country's weakness is our inability to band together and use these tragedies to build a stronger unity. Yes, it is a wonderful thing to help the victims, pray for their families, but learn why things like this keep happening. There is such a lack of kindness in the world and we need to spread the love that we have to counteract the acts of hatred that happen so often. So, yes, donate money, send good thoughts, but do more than that. Smile at a stranger, work to prevent bullying, get active in ensuring that victims of abuse and mental disease can get the help that they need, infect the world with joy. The more we speak out against intolerance and hate, the more we can heal the wounds that tear apart the human race. Yes, bad things will still happen, innocent people will still sometimes suffer, but maybe, just maybe, we can start to heal some of the problem. Hold your loved ones close to you, let go of fear, and live a life that is worthy and enriches those around you.

say what you need to say

So today's NaPoWriMo prompt is to make every line something that you wanted to say to someone and never did (basically honesty is the best policy). Then I caught last night's Glee episode, a beautiful and gut-wrenching piece on school shootings. The end message was to always tell people how you feel because any day could be your last. I've spent a lot of time over the years pretending like I was okay when I wasn't. I've let things go because it was easier to ignore them than deal with the confrontation. And I'm very done. I haven't been okay in a while and every day I struggle to fight through the demons of my fast and find a place where I can be okay again. I've been lied to so many times that I don't really believe anything at face value anymore. And I've been rejected so many times that I'm pretty sure destiny is telling me that I was meant to be everyone's really amazing single friend. But I can also say that I've never felt like I belonged anywhere until I moved to this city. I never had very many close friends until I met the people I spend my time with here. And I never believed that I could accomplish my goals and pursue the activities I was interested in before I left the small town I grew up in. So life has been hard and disappointing and heartbreaking but it made me stronger and led me to a place where I feel constantly rewarded and welcome. And from now on I'm never going to keep my feelings and thoughts hidden away.

Things I Love Thursday

newazu with my sensei - Monday night was our last class of our winter session of ladies judo. A few of us stuck around late for a little newazu and I paired up with our head sensei, Brett. After pinning him to the mat relatively quickly, it was pretty rewarding to hear him whine about how surprisingly strong I am. I've loved this class and I can't wait for the next session.

crepes - Sunday I took a French Creperie class at The Chopping Block. Most of the people in my class were terrible and didn't even know basic cooking skills but I learned a lot. I still can't flip a crepe to save my life but I've got some great new recipes and have a new technique to practice.

challah - I helped my friend, Rachel, out with a psych project on Sunday afternoon and got paid in her fabulous challah. Cinnamon challah was a super tasty snack this week.

hair cuts - I finally got into Dan last weekend and got him to chop off my locks. I'm pretty sure there is just nothing better than an appointment at the hair salon. I love the feeling of someone else washing my hair, I have a great repartee with my stylist, and I feel fabulous when I leave.

downtown - After said haircut, I spent a lovely morning downtown. I took a long walk, did a little window shopping at water tower, sat in the park across the street and read, and (most importantly) ran down to M Burger and got the bacon cheeseburger, fries, and chocolate/vanilla milkshake I had been craving all week. 

split fingers - In my never ending process of perfecting my archery skills, I decided to try out split fingers at last week's lesson. I finally felt like I had more control over my aim and my release and I am never going back. 

miracles - Or whatever you want to call it. The fact that my uncle is progressing so well when we honestly thought he wasn't going to make it through the first few hours is just amazing. He's been awake, off of the ventilator, able to talk and remember everyone, and barely using pain relievers since Monday. He's going into surgery to fix his sinus cavity tomorrow afternoon and I am incredibly grateful for everyone's good thoughts, prayers, and well wishes.

saying goodbye

Early morning phone calls are never good. So when my mom called at 6:00 this morning, I expected it was bad news. My uncle was in a terrible car accident this morning and most of my family were headed to Indy to gather around his bed and say goodbye because it didn't look good. When I gathered myself and headed out the door, I read today's NaPoWriMo prompt: valediction. I imagined that, when I sat down this evening to write, that I would likely be writing it for my uncle. Thankfully that is not the case. It would appear (so far) that he has inherited my grandfather's nine lives and may actually pull through the tremendous head trauma he has suffered. For the sake of his kids and my grandparents, I am extremely grateful. He is also one of the last family members I would want to say goodbye to. My uncle has never been anything great. He's not the smartest, he can never hold down a job, he's been divorced, suffered from drug addiction, been in jail, and will never be the person in the family that anyone is especially proud of. But he has something that overshadows any faults he has had over the years. His enormous capacity to love. He is one of the few family members who has never made me feel like an outsider and never made fun of my glasses, my bucked teeth, my intelligence, or my failed relationships. Whenever I see him, I am greeted with an enormous grin and the warmest of hugs. This goes back as long as I can remember. As a girl, you get a lot of "you can't do that" or "that's for boys". My uncle never did that. He taught me how to fish and, when he beaned me in the eye with a softball, gave me a hug and let me try again. I've always adored him and continue to send good thoughts that he will keep the brain swelling at bay and fight through this and have many great years left with his kids. 

It got me thinking today about goodbyes. I've never been comfortable with sitting around a waiting room waiting for someone to pass on and I find funerals to be a morbid display of untruths and fake emotions. However, in the end, I think what makes me the most uncomfortable is not actually death but the goodbyes that last forever. Losing anyone I care about, whether it be the end of a relationship, an irreparable friendship fight, or death, is unbearable to me. The worst part was that the only person I wanted to talk to today falls into one of those categories and I'm finding it impossible to come to terms with that goodbye. Every bit of logic and evidence says that they're long gone and never coming back but every bit of my heart is holding on to something that I can't fix. All I wanted was a hug and to sit and talk to them like we used to but, in the end, other things and other people were more important than I was and I think it's time, for real, to let go of the lie, accept that they're not coming back, and say goodbye. I don't really know that it's the kind of goodbye that you ever get over and I will always hold them in my heart but I can't keep wishing and hoping they'll show up and apologize and I can't keep waiting. 

Things I Love Thursday

My new psych teacher - I have literally never seen a teacher that was so passionate about what they were teaching about. If this guy could make sweet love to the language center of the brain, he would totally be on that. I have always loved language (linguistics, diction, dialect, reading, learning new ones) so I am super excited to have a teacher that is going to keep me interested in learning about the science behind it.

Easter egg hunts - Saturday Sarah and I took Ivy to the Easter Egg Hunt at the Women's Park & Garden in the South Loop, grabbed lunch on Michigan Avenue, played in Millenium Park, and headed over to the family play room at the Art Institute. It was a wonderful day getting to chat with such a great friend and tons of baby snuggles and giggles. I always feel so honored that I get to be part of those moments.

A fridge full of groceries - I literally have not bought groceries in about three weeks (maybe four) and I finally got over to the store Tuesday night. It's so nice to get home at night and not have to scrounge for something edible or order in and it's great to be able to pack a lunch every day. Not to mention it's amazing how much better you feel when you eat real food.

NaPoWriMo - We're only four days in but I have really been loving getting in some creative writing again. I don't know that it's actually any good but I like it and that's really all that matters.

Sandals and shades - Today is the third day in the past week that I have walked out the door wearing sandals and sunglasses. I cannot tell you just how much my body and mind needed some real sun and spring weather.

Scissoring and choking out - So, these are actually judo terms but I have a filthy mind so you cannot repeatedly use these phrases in front of me without giving me a case of the giggles. It was a great lesson but I loved it most for the double entendre that was present the entire class. Especially when Sensei Scott thanked Sensei David for choking him. >;')

always waiting for what's next

This week I have been...antsy. Monday, all I wanted to do was be done with work and get to my judo class. Then all I wanted was to be able to go get groceries and restock my fridge and then all I wanted to do was start my new psych class. I'm dying to get through the week and get to my archery lesson, David's art show, my hair appointment, and my French Creperie cooking class at the Chopping Block on Sunday. And, in a way, that's good. It's a great thing to have things you look forward to and are excited to do. But, with me, it goes too far. 
This is how I start to scare people away. I over plan. Getting up and just walking down the street and picking out the first restaurant that looks good is scary to me. What if we go down a road where there are no restaurants? What if I pick a place and they don't like it? Going on vacation and not knowing everything I'll be doing with every minute of my time is intimidating. If I don't do the research how will I know where anything is? What if we get lost? What if I pick something that turns out to be not fun? Being in a relationship and not knowing where we're heading five years down the road is terrifying. Does he love me? Will we get married? Where will we live? Where will we work? Will we buy a house? A car? A dog? Will we have babies? I like to be prepared for the inevitable downfalls so I never stop to enjoy the moment with the great things I have going on at the time. That kind of pressure put on a partner would crack even the best of relationships. 
So I'm trying to start over...again. I have been getting better. When my mom was in town, I did suggest we just walk down Broadway and eat at the first place that looked interesting. Yes, we ended up at our favorite Chinese restaurant in the end but we did take a leisurely stroll and I didn't get stressed out. I pointed out places I had heard about, made suggestions, and just enjoyed the evening. I'm trying really hard to stop and enjoy the moment (which I admit is relatively hard to do when I'm at my job). I'm trying not to worry so much about what's coming down the road that might be bad or unexpected or unnerving. Let future Em deal with that when it gets here. For now I am trying to focus on being the best I can be this particular week and move forward one step at a time, no matter how scary it is. 

NaPoWriMo

It's April 1st! That means the beginning of National Poetry Writing Month. I have a second blog that's dedicated to this month and I will likely try to keep up with composing once the month is over. So, if you're interested, it's mypoeterycorner.blogspot.com.