vulnerability

It may seem surprising that someone who blogs for the whole world to read to admit that they have difficulty with vulnerability but I do. Blogging often seems like the safest way to talk about my difficulties, typically less than 50 people read one of my posts and they almost never comment so I don't have to read in someone's face that they find my troubles annoying. I spent a great deal of the past year being criticized by my supervisor for "not being vulnerable enough" but then having any problems I did talk about used against me. I often see my vulnerabilities as weaknesses and reasons for the people I care about to leave me even though I have no evidence proving that this is the case.

I think that people will judge my taste in music and my love of rom-coms. I read the same books over and over again because I find comfort in them but I worry that they're too childish for my intellect. I love to sing more than anything in the world but almost none of my friends have heard me do so. When I wear super femme clothing, I worry that my queer community will be disappointed in me. When I wear super butch clothing, I think my family will judge me. I believe that if I tell a partner what I want from them that they will think I'm too needy. I fear that no one will ever take me seriously and respect me in the workplace. I am scared to let people too close because I do not want to be hurt again. I never feel that I am worthy of the good people in my life and I constantly feel like a fraud.

I don't really know what my point is with all of this and I know it's a long road for me to take down all of the walls I've put up for my own protection. I am grateful to have a couple of people that I am able to share those vulnerable and intimate moments with. I am more grateful to the ones that always call me out when they see me hiding. I'm trying to see myself the way they do.

It's okay to not be okay

I am not okay right now. Any kind of large life change or being in a state of uncertainty is any instant recipe for high levels of anxiety and the absolute depths of my depression. I knew going into this that that would be the case and I did my best to prepare for it but, nevertheless, here it is. Anxiety affects every part of how I communicate. It makes phone calls damn near impossible. It's difficult to send an email or a text or an instant message because anxiety tells me that the people I want to talk to aren't really my friends and don't care. When someone doesn't get back to me quickly, my anxiety tells me that that's the proof that they don't really want to talk to me. When they do talk to me, my anxiety tells me it's just because they're being nice, not because they really want to talk to me. When an online conversation naturally trails off, my anxiety tells me that it's because I was being boring. I am incapable of allowing others to help me and see me as weak. I know that, on occasion, this makes me completely insufferable to well-meaning family and friends who just want to help. I'm sullen and moody, I'm angry and irritable, I cry at the drop of a hat over absolutely nothing, I get easily overwhelmed and overstimulated in crowd-type situations, I oscillate between not eating and bingeing obscene amounts of sugar, I sleep in, I nap too much, I stay up until 2 am every night, I isolate, and I very rarely want to talk about it. I'm also trying my hardest to get myself out of it. I process everything very internally and really need my space to grieve, find acceptance, and push forward with what needs to get done. I know that a lot of people find it hard to see someone they care like this but I get so tired of people telling me how I should feel, what I should do, who I should focus my time and energy on. I already have a concerned mother, I'm not exactly looking for additional applicants. I am the expert of me and it's okay to not be okay right now.

It's okay because I'm sad about leaving clients I cared about and a job I really wanted to be doing. It's okay because I am lonely because the relationships I rely on the most and make me feel at ease are now a few hours away. It's okay because this time of year is difficult for me due to losing multiple people I care about to suicide. It's okay because I worry that I'll never be able to catch up financially. It's okay because I have to accept that pursuing further education could alter the other accomplishments I thought I'd be trying to pursue in my late 30s. It's okay because I sometimes fear that I will never be in a stable and loving intimate relationship. It's okay because I'm worried about how much longer it will take to get a new job and be able to live on my own again. It's okay because I'm doing the best I can.

I am trying to take this time to make plans for nurturing the kind of life I want to have rather than the one I keep settling for. I want to have a better work/life balance: to find work that is actually fulfilling, to take my lunch breaks, to utilize my vacation time. I want to improve my physical health: to get my migraines under better control, to get back to a point where I can run for a half hour without stopping, to be more conscientious of the food I'm putting in my body, to not be in as much physical pain. I want to where clothes that make me feel good because they're comfortable or they make me feel pretty or they make me feel like me and to stop worrying so much about what other people think about what I'm wearing. I want to do things that make me happier: listening to music, singing, playing with puppies or baby goats, baking, being in nature, chasing that elusive adrenaline high, dancing until my feet hurt, staying up too late because I was enjoying the company of friends more than surrendering to sleep. I want be better about nurturing relationships with the people who give me a feeling of home: the ones that tell me they're proud of me, the ones that tell me they love me even when I'm at my worst, the ones that always encourage my growth, the ones who give hugs that give me strength, the ones who hold my hand when it's too hard to say how I feel, the ones who make me feel loved and respected and like family.

I'm not okay right now but at some point I know I will be.





A small disclaimer. If you are someone who has tried to hard to make me feel better, I'm not mad at you, I just want you to understand why it might not work the way you hoped. If you're someone that waited a couple of days to get back to me, I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, get back to me when you can, my anxiety brain is my own responsibility and something I have to battle with on my own. If you're someone I have neglected or been short with, I'm not trying to make excuses for my behavior, I totally own that I can be a real dick sometimes when the anxiety monster takes over, I hope I'm able to make it up to you when I find my way to the other side.

changes

I have been back in Chicago for around 9 months now and there are some things that have been slowly sinking in since I got back. It's taken me a bit to really get into words what I've been feeling so this might not be entirely cohesive. I am not the same person that left for grad school three years ago and the lifestyle I want to lead is not aligning with the lifestyle I led when I was here before. My job does not pay me enough to live here and be able to have anything outside of necessities and that financial anxiety coupled with the extremely stressful nature of my job has kept me in a state of nearly crippling anxiety and depression for the better part of the last year. While I have enjoyed getting to know my clients and being a therapist, I have felt increased apathy for my job due to the immense barriers created by our current government social services and due to the bureaucracy and condescension of upper management at my company. I am very interested in exploring the options of pursuing a PhD but am too burned out with compassion fatigue to do the research when I'm home and would never be able to afford to take off the necessary time to visit schools I would be interested in attending. I've had increasingly expensive car repairs that have also been contributing to my financial anxiety and, due to the bills I already have and my previously mentioned low pay, I cannot currently afford a car payment. The traffic of the city has been very stressful to me since I now need to drive for work. I have been getting extremely nauseous on public transit which means I drive more and am therefore stuck in stressful traffic more. I have not had the energy to go the gym and cannot afford anything that would fall under the heading of self-care. I have had a severe upswing in headaches and stomach distress due to stress and my current unhealthy lifestyle and eating habits. I have been increasingly isolative and have difficulty following through on social commitments. I want to travel but do not have the funds and again, cannot afford to take the time off of work. My dogs are not city dogs. Penelope is highly reactive to all noises and shriek barks until I pick her up. Max is in a constant state of sensory overload and has injured me more than once with his overenthusiastic need to discover everything. I miss performing, it has been so long since I sang or acted and every single time I see a performance or hear a beautiful piece of music, my heart physically aches. The longer I stay here, the more clearly I see the holes in my life that I cannot fill here.
I would love to have time and energy to read for fun and pursue my academic research interests. I would love to buy a new car for once. I would love to be able to purchase a home with a yard. I would love to find myself back on stage or in a choir or even be able to own a piano again. I would love to travel to conferences or take a vacation or just visit out-of-state friends. I would love to be able to pursue some of my hobbies again: archery, baking, writing poetry, blogging, dance. I would love to find myself in a position to take better care of myself and my dogs. I would love to see my family more especially since my dad and my grandma have not been in the best of health. I would love to find myself in a healthy enough space to open myself up to the potential for love. I would love to get the one thing that has always seemed so out of reach and become a mother. And I just don't think I can do that here, at least not right now.
So what does that mean?
That is a two-fold plan. Foremost, it means that I plan to start pursuing employment back in the academic sphere where I may finally be able to pay off some debts and save for retirement again. Where I may find a job better suited to my experience and education that will also allow me the ability to really dig in and decide which PhD programs I'm interested in. However, the biggest change component is that I plan to pursue employment back in Champaign-Urbana where the cost of living is cheaper, it is closer to my family, and I believe I have the best potential to help myself recover back into a recognizable version of myself. I put in my four weeks notice at my job on Friday and have let my roommate know that I plan to move out at the end of June.
This has been a very difficult conclusion to reach because Chicago was the first place I ever truly felt like I was home in. It is the place where I met my chosen family and the truest friends I could have ever hoped for. It is the place where I found the strength and support to change my life for the better, to pursue dreams that I once thought were long dead. I have experienced tremendous love and equally immense loss, I have seen the best parts of myself blossom while pruning out the weakest parts. I could not have asked for a better home base over the last ten years. I also have really struggled with feelings of loss, failure, and worries that I am letting people down. But changes need to be made in order to help me achieve my next set of dreams and I truly believe this is the right next step in that journey.