Seven years ago was a very different version of me. I had recently broken up from a long term relationship because we wanted different things out of life and I found myself searching for meaning in a string of increasingly bad decisions (most of them of the falling for completely unavailable guys). I had never felt like I fit in in Champaign but I had never made any decisions in my adult life that weren't driven by a relationship. Where I lived, where I went to school, what I did in my free time, who I spent the majority of my time with. Seven years ago, I had been betrayed by someone I thought I could trust and all I wanted to do was run away from my entire life and start over. I started spending a great deal of time with friends from college in Chicago and the suburbs and began finding tiny shreds of who I was as an individual. I had always loved the city and felt more at piece surrounded by skyscrapers than cornfields. All of my adult life I had been waiting for the "right time" to pursue the things I wanted. A flimsy excuse that hid how scared of stepping out on my own I really was. After a night of drinking and making excuse after excuse about how it wasn't the "right time" to move, a friend called me out on my bullshit. "There never is a right time. If you're always waiting for the right time, you'll never go." So I found a job and moved to Chicago. I can't even begin to enumerate the number of tiny and huge ways I have changed in the past seven years. It hasn't always been easy and there is still so much room for improvement but when isn't there? I am ever grateful to:
- my mum, who has always been there to cover my ass and help me figure out the details
- grant, who called me on my shit and told me I could do it
- maggie, who gave me a roof while I looked for one of my own and always inspired me to find my individuality and people who were worthy of my time
- ben, who spent many hours introducing me to some of my favorite places in the city, for always pointing out the guys that were not worth the energy I was giving them, and for not holding it against me that I shot him down back in my "I don't need a guy" phase
- moopit, who introduced me to the people I didn't even know I was missing in my life, encouraged me to get out of the house and find the things I wanted to do because I liked them not because someone else liked them, and pushed me to go back to school when I was too scared to try and fail
- amelia and resa, who have always always been there to pick me up when I fall and remind me how wonderful I am when I feel the most worthless
- dann and elise and tim and sarah, who have shared their wonderful children with me and made me feel like a member of the family
Anyone who has read the Anne of Green Gables books knows about her fascination with the bend in the road. It's the next life step that you can't see until you've come up on it and it unfolds itself to you. While I haven't quite reached the part of the bend where I know exactly which way it's turning, I know that it's turning away from this city I love and the people who have made this the best of homes. I don't know how I can face leaving them behind. But I know grad school is the right next step and none of the amazing schools here really quite fit what I wanted to do. So here I am, days away from interviewing at my top choice university in a city twelve hours away and I am so very grateful for everyone that helped get me to this point and so very terrified at stepping out again on my lonesome.
