So, I just wanted to touch on some shit that I have been dealing with during this quarantine. I want to have a record of it but I also find it really hard to reach out and talk to people individually about it. This is easier somehow. A lot of this is going to be my personal struggle bus but I promise there is some positivity at the end if you stick with it.
grief
At the very beginning, when we were just preparing to work from home, I got the news that a longtime friend and mentor had passed away. Bob ran the Creative Dramatics Workshop in Sidney, Illinois and I spent a great deal of my teenage years performing in some truly incredible shows in a tiny little church with other small town teenagers. Bob always wanted to push me past the ingenue rolls that I gravitated toward and into more challenging parts that were more suited to my personal acting style. He taught me how to get out of my own way on stage and be in the moment. It's where I met some amazing friends and where I met my first husband (however terrible that turned out to be). The last time I saw him was January 2019. I was helping to run the kitchen at my aunt's annual madrigal dinner and took a break during a lull to go out and say hello to my old friend. He was so happy to see me and catch up however briefly. It has been difficult to deal with his passing and I know many of us feel a little cheated that we have to delay being able to grieve together outside of facebook.
betrayal
I have briefly mentioned this on the facebooks and it's easy enough to find in the local news if you know where I went to high school. A high school teacher was recently arrested on charges of child pornography and also admitted to sexual encounters with former students. I am not easily shocked, in my line of work, it's a luxury you can't afford. But I could not have seen this coming in a million years. I really liked and respected this man and valued his support in recent years. Our school community has really come together to support each other through this but it's still hard to cope with the dialectic that someone you felt a close bond with could do something so terrible and that you could be so unaware.
dog stress
My dogs have been giving me a fair amount of stress of their own. First Penelope got sick, wouldn't eat, vomiting, diarrhea, but the vet didn't find anything. While the stomach ick resolved itself, she still has been really reticent about eating. I think her teeth are bothering her, there's definitely one that needs pulled, but I don't really think now is the best time to bring her in for that kind of procedure. She's also just been cranky and extra barky lately. Following that, Max had a bout of the stomach ick and, let me tell you, when a 65 pound dog throws up in his crate, it is no joke. Luckily, the vomit was a one-time thing but getting him past the diarrhea took the better part of two weeks. His allergies are also bothering him so I have to keep a close eye on his ears to make sure they're not getting infected. He has also had an uptick in anxiety since we've all been home ALL THE TIME and cannot figure out the routine. Every work day, at 11:45 am and 4:45 pm he loses his shit and starts barking hysterically. It's starting to wear on me and I really don't know what to do about it. On top of all that, mom and David discovered a tick on one of their dogs (not a thing we're used to seeing in our area of town) and so now we're worrying about that.
anxiety
It's topping out right now. It takes me ages to get to sleep and, once I do, I can't sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time. I'm having frequent nightmares and a lovely resurgence of panic attacks. And, as it turns out, when I wear a face mask in public, my mirror neurons connect my restricted breathing with: you guessed it, more panic attacks. I cannot settle down to any kind of mindfulness routine and literally sobbed my way through the last time I attempted a loving kindness meditation. Despite the fact that I am a therapist and I know all of the things I "should" be doing, I am not doing the best at functioning.
touch starvation
If you don't know by now that I pretty much live fueled by hugs, then you probably don't know me very well. My family is not super huggy to begin with but because my mom's partner is an essential worker and my sister would be a high risk case if she contracted this, we've all been avoiding any physical contact whatsoever. Add in that the person I usually rely on for hugs and snuggles lives three hours away and I have no idea when I will get to be in the same room as them again, I am really not doing well. Max of course is always up for snuggles but it is not remotely the same.
bodies are the worst
If you're easily squicked by body stuff, you may want to skip this part. Some people may not be in the know but back in 2013 I was diagnosed with uterine fibroid tumors after a two week period that included bleeding through super tampons in an hour. Since that time, they have been mostly okay with the occasional month of grossness. However, since about April of last year I have seen in a major increase in uterine awfulness with extended and extremely heavy periods. Around November/December it seemed to right itself again and I was feeling less stressed about it. WRONG. As of today, I have been bleeding for 33 days, there were 2 or 3 days where it had reduced to mild spotting and I was fooled into thinking it had gone, and then it comes back with a vengeance. I am having a serious increase in migraines and dizziness and, just to add to the fun, I've been having major hot flashes the past few days. I am incredibly concerned about my personal health and do not currently have the insurance to be able to deal with this. If we were not in the middle of a pandemic, I would just give Planned Parenthood a call but, oh hey, they're closed right now. I have a lot of panic surrounding this. Partly because I have some serious medical trauma from a procedure I had when I first got diagnosed but largely because I desperately want to have kids and don't know that I will ever have the financial capability to do it through alternative means. I spend way too much time ruminating on this particular topic.
triggers
One thing that I rarely discuss with others is my abusive ex. It took me several years after the relationship ended to realize how bad it had been. He frequently took my car for work/rehearsal/whatever and left me in our apartment with no way of leaving. I realize now that it was his way of controlling how I spent my time. I remember the breaking point was when I wanted to go to the suburbs for the weekend for a dear friend's birthday party and him throwing a fit and telling me how awful I was for taking MY CAR. Even after I finally ended the relationship, he invited all of our local friends out for his own personal pity party. I bet you'll never guess what he drove to get there... Needless to say, being stuck in the house for weeks on end has really triggered those old feelings of helplessness and I am doing my best to sit with those feelings of discomfort and remind myself that this is temporary.
missing my people
I was supposed to be driving north next weekend for my monthly retreat and a weekend with two of my favorite people, my chosen family. They have been supportive in so many ways and getting to spend even a few days a month with them has often been the only thing getting me through a lot of the past year with all of its difficulties. It's a place where I feel really listened to, heard, understood, and never judged. Not to mention the aforementioned hugs and snuggles. The uncertainty of when I will get to leave my house and see them again is not something I am even remotely okay with. When they finally lift this damn shelter at home order, I am immediately taking a few days off of work and spending a long weekend with the people I wish I got to see every day instead of once a month.
no side hustles
While I've been making the majority of my money from a full-time extra help gig at the university, I have been supplementing income with side hustles: doing some consulting/acting work at the School of Social Work's simulation lab and being a section leader and assistant to the music director of a church choir. Clearly both of these gigs are shutdown at the moment and I really miss the work, the people, and am super bummed about missing out on all of the extra cash I was going to be making during holy week with all of the extra Easter services.
From here, I'm going to add in some of the things that have been good.
reconnecting
When I moved to North Carolina, I fell out of contact with one of my cousins that I had always been super close to. I knew she was going through a lot but couldn't seem to get her to return a text or a phone call and I felt really sad that I had lost someone I cared about so much. A couple of weeks ago, she reached out and called me. We talked for a couple of hours, cleared the air, and I was so happy to just hear her voice.
internet
Let me just make clear how incredibly grateful I am for all of the many ways the internet makes it possible to connect with people these days. Mom and I are able to continue our cocktail nights with a few of the members of faculty of the School of Social Work. The group of friends that I go to Dragon Con with (from Alabama, Texas, Utah, Washington) have been having weekly video calls and even get to play games together. My Saturday evening consisted of several hours on discord with my LARP tribe, drinking, talking shit, and enjoying each other's company like we always do.
work
While my job is ten times harder to do while working from home, I am just so incredibly grateful that they didn't just drop my extra help contract when we got the work from home orders. They set up my personal laptop with VPN and remote desktop and we make it work the best way we can. I'm also in the last stages of the interview process for the permanent position and am optimistic that I will hear a positive result. This would be a big deal for me financially and would help solve the previously referenced insurance problems so I could maybe deal with some of my health issues before they escalate.
big news
I also have some exceedingly huge news that I am not ready to post on the internet yet. It is something that I have been working really hard for and that I had started telling myself was just not going to happen. It's been a bit of a shock and a major readjustment because I had already started working on my plan b. I have gotten to tell a lot of people personally but I don't want to jinx any of the other irons I have in the fire by putting it in a public forum. If you don't know but you want to, just email/DM/call/text me and I'll be happy to fill you in.
For now, I'm going to attempt to get a couple of hours of sleep before I inevitably wake myself up again at 4 am. I am trying my best to maintain a positive attitude and hope for a turnaround soon but just know that no matter how long it takes, I fucking love your face and can't wait until I get to give you an uncomfortably long hug.
