This article has had me thinking a lot this week about how we allow others to skew our visions of ourselves; our mothers, friends, coworkers, partners. The sad thing is that it never seems to occur to us until long after the fact that we were never as lacking as that particular person made us feel. I've been slowly coming to one of those realizations over the past nine months and, let me tell you, it's a hard self-view to shake off.
I can't really say what it is exactly that causes another person (usually one that supposedly loves and cares about your well-being) to pick us into pieces but I can say that I think it needs to stop. Your partner doesn't need to have all of their flaws pointed out to them (trust me they already know) and your children will have enough time struggling with self-confidence over the years to have anything but your undying support. I'm not asking you to give someone an unrealistic view of self but to remember that people are so much more than their deficiencies.
I have struggled with weight and money difficulties and debilitating shyness and severe depression. I've been divorced, dropped out of college, watched my father fight through drug addiction, and stood by helplessly as my active and beautiful sister has succumbed to chronic pain and mental illness. In the end, though, none of these things define who I am and the strengths I carry. It doesn't matter whether you are in a relationship or single, whether you choose to have kids or not, whether you're skinny or overweight, whether you're outgoing or shy, whether you're poor or rich, or whether you've got a PhD or struggled to get a GED. No matter what you choose to do with your life, it does not change who you are. You are talented, intelligent, beautiful, and interesting in your own way and you are always good enough. Anyone who tries to tell you differently is not worth your time.
"To Bridget, who cannot cook, but who we love - just as she is." - Bridget Jones's Diary
Friday, June 28, 2013
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Things I Love Thursday
It's been a great week, so much to be grateful for.
Plantain enchiladas and good friends - Friday night, I introduced the Aldreds to my favorite Mexican restaurant in the city, El Nuevo. We gorged on their amazing vegetarian entrees and their fantastic mojitos and margaritas and thoroughly enjoyed each other's company. It had been much too long since I had gotten to spend any quality time with them.
A successful graduation ceremony - I'm a little nostalgic. On Saturday morning, we sent our seniors on their way. Most of them were freshmen my first year here and I was a little sad to see some of them go. The ceremony went the smoothest it's ever gone though and our speakers were great. And now I can enjoy the easier pace of summer at work.
Zombies and baby snuggles - Saturday night was spent in Hyde Park with my favorite family, the Areharts. I got to snuggle my sweet Ivy Jane, eat amazing caprese sandwiches courtesy of Tim, meet some awesome Japanese studies PhD students from U of C, meet Carol-Anne's new beau, and kick some serious dual sawed-off shot-gun ass in Zombiecide. Oh and then I had a lovely walk down Michigan Avenue at night before hopping on the train home.
Much Ado About Nothing (AGAIN) - Yes, I went to see Much Ado About Nothing in the theatre again and it was just as incredible the second time around. This was followed by burgers at Prairie Moon, a lovely walk in the rain through Evanston, watching Kenneth Branagh's Much Ado just for comparison sake, watching various other Shakespeare clips on youtube (Brando as Marc Antony, Branagh as Henry V), and finished off by a rousing rendition of Once More with Feeling because the day hadn't been geeky enough already. ;) It was pretty much the best day I've had in a long time.
Grown up candy - This is for me to know and you to never find out. :)
Blackhawks! - The Stanley Cup is back where it belongs, sweet home Chicago. How I love my Blackhawks.
New classes - The new quarter started up on Tuesday. I'm taking Research Statistics in Psychology and Genetic & Evolutionary Psychology. I'm quite certain both of these classes are going to kick ass and I'm immensely grateful that neither one will require me to write a research paper. I'm especially psyched (oh my god, pun soo not intended) to be taking a course from the infamous Mike Bailey. If you don't know him, look him up, he's not afraid to make a ruckus.
Down with DOMA & Prop 8 - Yesterday was a great day for America and especially my friends of varying sexual orientation. I am so incredibly proud that the SCOTUS made the right decisions. We still have a long way to go but this is definitely a great step in the right direction. And what a great present for the Pride parade this weekend.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
What is your why?
Oh man, I'm clearing out my inbox, reorganizing my outlook folders, and cleaning up anything left from the past year at work. Before I move on to our new incoming class, I'd like to stop and muse for a little while about our fantastic commencement speaker, Matt Levatich, president and chief operating officer of Harley-Davidson Motor Company and, yes, he did ride in for his address on a beautiful Harley. Over the years, I have sat through many a graduation ceremony with speakers that varied from miserably dull to wonderfully empowering. Matt was definitely the latter. The message of his speech was, "What is your why?" I find this to be one of those important things that many people fail to ask themselves when choosing a college, major, and even their profession. I also think that is why there are so many people that are miserable at their jobs.
Personally, I love what I do. Yes, my job is stressful, sometimes I feel under appreciated by my supervisors, most of the time the kids are completely helpless and spoiled and expect me to fix all of their problems for them but I love working in higher education. Since I've been doing it for over eight years of my adult life, I imagine that's pretty obvious to most people but it wasn't always obvious to me. I've pursued a great number of career paths and majors throughout the past 15 years. I've majored in physical therapy, music, theatre, and psychology and I've considered everything from computer science to special education to linguistics and speech pathology. I have a great many things I love and it took me a long time to dwindle down that list from things I love into things I love to do. You spend a great deal more of your time at work than you do almost anywhere else in your life and pursuing a career that you are not passionate about will only insure that you are completely miserable for the rest of your life. I love working in higher education, I love leading undergraduates down the path that will shape the rest of their life, and I've seen the flaws in our system and I'm extremely passionate about working to fix those on whatever level that I can. I know that everyone has this fire inside of them. Some of them are too scared to follow it and some just don't take the time to reflect and make that decision. So that is my challenge to you today. Take a break from the craziness of your life, sit and think about who you are, what you want out of life, and how to get there, and don't be afraid to follow the path that it takes you down. Whether you're 16, 30, or 75, it's never too late to make a difference in your life and the lives of those around you. Go out and enjoy the time you have.
On a completely unrelated note, watch this video. I wholeheartedly support this cause and any other anti-bullying campaigns out there. Be the change you want to see in the world.
Personally, I love what I do. Yes, my job is stressful, sometimes I feel under appreciated by my supervisors, most of the time the kids are completely helpless and spoiled and expect me to fix all of their problems for them but I love working in higher education. Since I've been doing it for over eight years of my adult life, I imagine that's pretty obvious to most people but it wasn't always obvious to me. I've pursued a great number of career paths and majors throughout the past 15 years. I've majored in physical therapy, music, theatre, and psychology and I've considered everything from computer science to special education to linguistics and speech pathology. I have a great many things I love and it took me a long time to dwindle down that list from things I love into things I love to do. You spend a great deal more of your time at work than you do almost anywhere else in your life and pursuing a career that you are not passionate about will only insure that you are completely miserable for the rest of your life. I love working in higher education, I love leading undergraduates down the path that will shape the rest of their life, and I've seen the flaws in our system and I'm extremely passionate about working to fix those on whatever level that I can. I know that everyone has this fire inside of them. Some of them are too scared to follow it and some just don't take the time to reflect and make that decision. So that is my challenge to you today. Take a break from the craziness of your life, sit and think about who you are, what you want out of life, and how to get there, and don't be afraid to follow the path that it takes you down. Whether you're 16, 30, or 75, it's never too late to make a difference in your life and the lives of those around you. Go out and enjoy the time you have.
On a completely unrelated note, watch this video. I wholeheartedly support this cause and any other anti-bullying campaigns out there. Be the change you want to see in the world.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Things I Love Thursday and an Ode to Joss
Best burger I ever ate - I mean not technically but it sure felt like it at the time. After a long day of migraines, paper writing, studying, and finally sitting my canceled final, I headed over to M Burger. I practically inhaled my burger, fries, and chocolate shake and I was so stressed out and hungry that it felt like the best meal I'd ever eaten.
Sun and board games - Saturday I finished off my last day of class for the quarter and was rewarded by the perfect afternoon/evening with friends. We sat out on the deck with a gorgeous view of the lake and talked, ate food, and drank the afternoon away. When the temperature started to drop, we headed indoors for nerdy board games and friend snuggles. Much love to Rachel and Brian for throwing a great party.
Making peace - We all know that the past year has been a major fail in the life of Em. Just another reminder that things never work out the way you dreamed. I may never fully comprehend what went wrong and it may always hurt to see him with someone that's not me but apologies have been exchanged and we're attempting to salvage our friendship from the wreckage. I guess for now that's going to have to be enough.
Much Ado About Nothing - This may go on for awhile, there was much to gush about. First off, thank you thank you thank you to Dann and Elise for inviting me as their date, I have been desperately waiting for this movie since I first heard about it over a year ago. Last night, we found ourselves curled up in the ridiculously comfortable seats in the DGA's private screening room anxiously waiting for the movie to start. I admit that I was a bit cautious. I worship Joss and all that is Whedon but I also loathe modernized Shakespeare and have never in my entire life seen a Shakespeare performance that I would label "perfect". Until last night. I loved every single thing about this movie from the soundtrack to the casting to the beautiful black and white setting of Joss' incredibly beautiful home. I love Shakespeare more than just about anyone I know and I know this show backward and forward. I have always thought that Beatrice and Benedick were the most perfect couple ever written and very few people are capable of giving them the performance they deserve. First off, there was incredibly little dialogue cutting which I was thrilled about. When people start to pare down the bard, they get a little scissor happy and chop out things that were actually necessary to the dialogue. To be fair, I blame this on the fact that 99% of the world truly just cannot understand what half of those sentences mean so only die hard Shakespeare geeks like myself notice the difference. No one involved in this project had that problem though. Every single line was executed with perfect clarity of every meaning and double entendre coming out of their mouths. The physical comedy was especially brilliant (HUGE shout-outs to Amy Acker and Alexis Denisof on this front). I am also convinced that, in my twenties, I have been going to all of the wrong parties and that I immediately need to remedy that by becoming best friends with Mr. Whedon. I need to own this soundtrack, I need to own this movie, and I need to see it as many times as possible while it is in theatres. So, if you're looking for a movie-going partner or heading out with a group, keep me on your list because I am more than willing to drop my money on this excellent project over and over again.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
left behind
This is going to be one of those not so cheerful posts and for that I am sorry. I do my best to maintain a positive attitude and make my blogs as uplifting and encouraging as I can but it just doesn't always work. I also must add a vague disclaimer that this post is not meant to be accusatory, I am not trying to give anyone a guilt trip, I am just trying to get something off of my chest for reasons of my own personal sanity. Normally I would sit and talk this out with someone I'm close to but any time I try to say it out loud, I get inconsolably and disproportionately miserable and I really just don't have the time or energy to fall apart right now. So, with that said, on to the meat of my post.
I've been having a really tough struggle with my depression lately. As friends and family have been finding new relationships, getting engaged or married, and having babies, I have been having a terrible time feeling happy for them. Pretty much the best I can manage is to hit "Like" on Facebook. I have this constant underlying feeling of being left behind. Last summer, I knew about four or five couples that moved in together and, somehow, my relationship was the only one that didn't stand through that test. As everyone is getting engaged or married or finding someone new that they love, I wonder why I seem to be the only one who can't make it work. As I watch the people I care about welcome children into this world, I feel an ache of longing for something I'm afraid I'll never get to be a part of. I feel like I'm being punished for something and I have no idea what I've done that is so terrible to deserve the way that I feel.
I'm sure that part of it is that I've really been focusing on school this quarter. Judo is over until the fall, I haven't been to archery since April, and I've had relatively little contact with friends. The latter has been really eating at me and seems to be the largest factor behind my nightmares and insomnia. Let me start by saying that I have been immensely grateful to all of the friends that didn't abandon me when Michael and I split last fall. I understand that the easier decision would have been to stand by the person that was your original friend and that it is much more difficult to remain neutral, not choose sides, and continue to be friends with both parties. That being said, I've been feeling disconnected and left out a lot lately. I've been invited to a total of three board game nights in the past nine months, I haven't table topped since Dungeons & Danishes disbanded, and, despite the fact that there is a wonderful LARP going on right now of a game that I love with people I love to game with, I was asked not to participate right now because the people running it thought it would be awkward because Michael was one of the STs. It's been hard. Yes, I've had some lovely baby/dinner nights with Sarah and Tim, Amelia's Live Lit performance has sent me down a new path of interest, I've had lovely nights at Roller Derby with Elise et al, and Carolyn and I have had a few truly great races this spring. But I miss long nights of Arkham Horror, Game of Thrones, Small World, or Battlestar Galactica. When you're sitting at home with no plans on a Saturday, it would be extremely comforting to be crunched around a table guzzling snack food and rolling dice during a good old fashioned D&D game. I miss the thought and planning that go into character creation, costuming, makeup, hair, etc of a fantasy LARP.
I feel like my break up took so much more from me than just a relationship Yes, I lost my boyfriend and, at the same time, my best friend but I also lost my possessions, my home, and the fantastic culture that my friends and I were a part of. They still listen to me and love me and spend time with me but I feel so separated from the way things were. I don't really know how to fix it and I don't really know when this feeling will let up but, right now, I'm struggling.
I've been having a really tough struggle with my depression lately. As friends and family have been finding new relationships, getting engaged or married, and having babies, I have been having a terrible time feeling happy for them. Pretty much the best I can manage is to hit "Like" on Facebook. I have this constant underlying feeling of being left behind. Last summer, I knew about four or five couples that moved in together and, somehow, my relationship was the only one that didn't stand through that test. As everyone is getting engaged or married or finding someone new that they love, I wonder why I seem to be the only one who can't make it work. As I watch the people I care about welcome children into this world, I feel an ache of longing for something I'm afraid I'll never get to be a part of. I feel like I'm being punished for something and I have no idea what I've done that is so terrible to deserve the way that I feel.
I'm sure that part of it is that I've really been focusing on school this quarter. Judo is over until the fall, I haven't been to archery since April, and I've had relatively little contact with friends. The latter has been really eating at me and seems to be the largest factor behind my nightmares and insomnia. Let me start by saying that I have been immensely grateful to all of the friends that didn't abandon me when Michael and I split last fall. I understand that the easier decision would have been to stand by the person that was your original friend and that it is much more difficult to remain neutral, not choose sides, and continue to be friends with both parties. That being said, I've been feeling disconnected and left out a lot lately. I've been invited to a total of three board game nights in the past nine months, I haven't table topped since Dungeons & Danishes disbanded, and, despite the fact that there is a wonderful LARP going on right now of a game that I love with people I love to game with, I was asked not to participate right now because the people running it thought it would be awkward because Michael was one of the STs. It's been hard. Yes, I've had some lovely baby/dinner nights with Sarah and Tim, Amelia's Live Lit performance has sent me down a new path of interest, I've had lovely nights at Roller Derby with Elise et al, and Carolyn and I have had a few truly great races this spring. But I miss long nights of Arkham Horror, Game of Thrones, Small World, or Battlestar Galactica. When you're sitting at home with no plans on a Saturday, it would be extremely comforting to be crunched around a table guzzling snack food and rolling dice during a good old fashioned D&D game. I miss the thought and planning that go into character creation, costuming, makeup, hair, etc of a fantasy LARP.
I feel like my break up took so much more from me than just a relationship Yes, I lost my boyfriend and, at the same time, my best friend but I also lost my possessions, my home, and the fantastic culture that my friends and I were a part of. They still listen to me and love me and spend time with me but I feel so separated from the way things were. I don't really know how to fix it and I don't really know when this feeling will let up but, right now, I'm struggling.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Things I Love Thursday
I was out sick last week. I don't really know how sick I actually was but I literally could not get out of bed for two days. So this will be a little bit of a combo of two weeks of love.
Sweet text messages - Sometimes my friend, Terri, just sends me adorable text messages of love and support. Every time she does so, it is exactly what I needed to get through a crappy day. She's pretty great.
Fellow bloggers - My psych professor (there's a link in yesterday's post) has started a blog/podcast that will be full of geekery love. My blog has brought be great joy this year and I'm always excited to see what someone else has to bring to the scene.
Fury, fuck yes - Saturday night was the roller derby finals: The Fury vs. Manic Attackers. As Steph, Elise, Dann, and I settled in and watched our team's best player hobble to the bench on crutches, we were fairly certain we were in for a slaughter and four bouts in and 50 points down was a little scary. It was a nail biter and we screamed and shook our orange and white pom poms as hard as we could. And we were rewarded as The Fury skated their way to the cup. Fury, fuck yes!
Lit fest - Sunday was the Printer's Row Lit Fest. I headed down, met up with my cousin, Alysia, and enjoyed the beautiful weather and amazing offerings that my perfect city has to offer. And, to the lady who was bickering over a $5 difference for the extremely under priced, gorgeous hand-made leather journals, I hope you heard us making fun of you for being an asshole, learn to appreciate what we have.
Cousin love - As aforementioned, I spent Sunday with my lovely cousin, Alysia. Al works like ALL THE TIME and I have a ridiculous schedule of classes, lessons, and work so I almost never get to see her. But Sunday the stars aligned, I was headed down to her neighborhood anyway and she didn't have to work until 5. We had an insanely huge brunch at the Eleven City Diner, wandered the lit fest, made fun of the asshole lady, enjoyed the beautiful outdoors, lounged in her peaceful shrine of a room catching up, and just really had a wonderful day together.
Chats with old friends - I received a lovely unexpected message from my college roomie, Amy, on Tuesday. It has been way too long since we have talked and it was so good to hear from her and message back and forth for a bit. She's a truly inspiring person and it's great to get a little encouragement from her once in awhile.
People that get you - I caught a lot of flak for my nerd girl rant and I'm not going to say I'm sorry. I know there were a lot of people who think I was being a judgmental bitch but there were a select few (especially Victor) who just got exactly what the point of my post was. People are always welcome to question my opinions and disagree with me as much as they want but I am never going to renege on a post because someone else didn't understand how I felt.
Impending weather - You have never experienced the pure essence of joy until you have been in a library full of people frantically studying for finals when the university cancels all classes and exams due to inclement weather. I don't think the storms ever got as bad as they were supposed to last night but that collective sigh of relief and ecstatic joy from my fellow continuing ed students was worth the inconvenience.
Sweet text messages - Sometimes my friend, Terri, just sends me adorable text messages of love and support. Every time she does so, it is exactly what I needed to get through a crappy day. She's pretty great.
Fellow bloggers - My psych professor (there's a link in yesterday's post) has started a blog/podcast that will be full of geekery love. My blog has brought be great joy this year and I'm always excited to see what someone else has to bring to the scene.
Fury, fuck yes - Saturday night was the roller derby finals: The Fury vs. Manic Attackers. As Steph, Elise, Dann, and I settled in and watched our team's best player hobble to the bench on crutches, we were fairly certain we were in for a slaughter and four bouts in and 50 points down was a little scary. It was a nail biter and we screamed and shook our orange and white pom poms as hard as we could. And we were rewarded as The Fury skated their way to the cup. Fury, fuck yes!
Lit fest - Sunday was the Printer's Row Lit Fest. I headed down, met up with my cousin, Alysia, and enjoyed the beautiful weather and amazing offerings that my perfect city has to offer. And, to the lady who was bickering over a $5 difference for the extremely under priced, gorgeous hand-made leather journals, I hope you heard us making fun of you for being an asshole, learn to appreciate what we have.
Cousin love - As aforementioned, I spent Sunday with my lovely cousin, Alysia. Al works like ALL THE TIME and I have a ridiculous schedule of classes, lessons, and work so I almost never get to see her. But Sunday the stars aligned, I was headed down to her neighborhood anyway and she didn't have to work until 5. We had an insanely huge brunch at the Eleven City Diner, wandered the lit fest, made fun of the asshole lady, enjoyed the beautiful outdoors, lounged in her peaceful shrine of a room catching up, and just really had a wonderful day together.
Chats with old friends - I received a lovely unexpected message from my college roomie, Amy, on Tuesday. It has been way too long since we have talked and it was so good to hear from her and message back and forth for a bit. She's a truly inspiring person and it's great to get a little encouragement from her once in awhile.
People that get you - I caught a lot of flak for my nerd girl rant and I'm not going to say I'm sorry. I know there were a lot of people who think I was being a judgmental bitch but there were a select few (especially Victor) who just got exactly what the point of my post was. People are always welcome to question my opinions and disagree with me as much as they want but I am never going to renege on a post because someone else didn't understand how I felt.
Impending weather - You have never experienced the pure essence of joy until you have been in a library full of people frantically studying for finals when the university cancels all classes and exams due to inclement weather. I don't think the storms ever got as bad as they were supposed to last night but that collective sigh of relief and ecstatic joy from my fellow continuing ed students was worth the inconvenience.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
the banality of heroism
"I did what everyone could do and what everyone ought to do"
I love heroes and my favorite kind are the every day people that do something extraordinary because it's the right thing to do. Just look at the guy above or, if you need something a little more recent, Charles Ramsey. These are just regular people who got out of their own heads for one moment and rescued another person from the horrible situation they were in. I know if we all think about it we probably all have our own personal heroes. For me the one who stands out is my dear friend, Chris. When I was in college, I went through a serious bout of major depression and self-harm. I honestly don't know if anyone ever noticed the cuts and scars on my arms because no one ever said anything. When Chris and I became close, he noticed right away and did something about it and I haven't gone back to those ways since. Many people find this to be common sense but a lot of people go about life "minding their own business" and never reaching out to help the people that truly need it. So next time you see that homeless person on your way into Starbucks, come out with an extra sandwich. When some guy is harassing a lady on the train, tell him to back off. Speak out against the injustices that you witness (like my favorite psych teacher, seriously, read his blog, it's going to be amazeballs). Just do something for someone else. You might not be doing anything you think is huge but, to the person you help, it could be the one thing they needed most.
I love heroes and my favorite kind are the every day people that do something extraordinary because it's the right thing to do. Just look at the guy above or, if you need something a little more recent, Charles Ramsey. These are just regular people who got out of their own heads for one moment and rescued another person from the horrible situation they were in. I know if we all think about it we probably all have our own personal heroes. For me the one who stands out is my dear friend, Chris. When I was in college, I went through a serious bout of major depression and self-harm. I honestly don't know if anyone ever noticed the cuts and scars on my arms because no one ever said anything. When Chris and I became close, he noticed right away and did something about it and I haven't gone back to those ways since. Many people find this to be common sense but a lot of people go about life "minding their own business" and never reaching out to help the people that truly need it. So next time you see that homeless person on your way into Starbucks, come out with an extra sandwich. When some guy is harassing a lady on the train, tell him to back off. Speak out against the injustices that you witness (like my favorite psych teacher, seriously, read his blog, it's going to be amazeballs). Just do something for someone else. You might not be doing anything you think is huge but, to the person you help, it could be the one thing they needed most.
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