I've been back in NC for two weeks and already my mood is not as positive as it was at home. Quite frequently, I feel as if my real life is on hiatus and that this life is just some weird dream state in between. So, here I sit, trying to unravel my emotions and maybe find some kind of source of my discontent.
good things that happened over the break
*so much Morgan time - Morgan and I became friends during the Mikado, just under two decades ago and, growing up, she was the closest female friend I had that wasn't a relative. Four years ago, she moved from Chicago (a condo just a short half mile walk from the one I lived in with moopit) to Seattle. I've only seen her for brief moments in that time and I've missed her desperately. Now that she and her family are moving back to the burbs, I got to spend many a lovely evening talking about anything and everything and just getting to have my arms around someone that I adore so much.
*caught up with many of my dearest loves in Chicago - I spent an all too brief three days in Chicago over my break and, while there were some people I did not get to see this time around and others who I wish I could have spent more time of, I felt pretty much surrounded by awesome people who love me and who I love back. I had deep conversations and delicious food and board games and gossip and oh so many hugs. It was almost enough to make me say screw grad school, I'm never leaving again.
*got a car - After test driving several not-so-great used vehicles, Big Bertha, my 2002 Ford Taurus, appeared as a reasonably priced mode of transport that should get me around town with no issue and back and forth from Illinois to NC on breaks. It is a glorious feeling to be able to leave the house whenever I want and not be strapped down by the awful bus system. Mom and I had a lovely road trip, just the two of us, driving back to NC with an overnight stop in Knoxville.
*ate a lot of food but managed to not over indulge and gain back the weight I had lost before break - I have been trying to pay closer attention to my diet since November. I have been overweight and pretty hopeless about changing it for a few years now. So I'm trying to be more mindful about the types of food I'm putting into my body and portion size. I had hit five pounds lost when I left for break and immediately ate anything and everything I wanted to for three weeks, though I will say that I only felt like I overindulged once. I was quite sure that the scale would not have pleasant things to say when I came home but I maintained my weight loss and am coming up on ten pounds down soon which is the biggest result I've had in a long while.
*I fell a little in love with Knoxville - Anyone who knows me knows that I pretty much think any town under 500,000 is a small town and pretty dull. Knoxville won me over a little bit on mom and I's road trip though. Downtown was pretty adorable and I had some excellent food and felt a little less snobby about "small towns".
*I got family time - I got to see my wonderful gram, all of my aunts, a few cousins, and of course spent the majority of my time with my mom and sister. These badass ladies are the reason I am the human I am today and I always feel encouraged and empowered by them.
*I got covered in dogs - My aunt is a dog breeder and has several (I believe 9) dogs of her own and frequent litters of puppies. So get covered in the sweetest, most gentle, big dogs ever (English cream retrievers). I already have every intention to go home over spring break because there will be three litters of puppies to snuggle.
*was overwhelmed by my mom and sister's generosity - My mom bought me the aforementioned Ford Taurus as a Christmas present. As someone that much prefers to be a giver, getting such large, costly presents is incredibly overwhelming. And my sister, who I knew had intended on getting me a few items from Sephora, showered me with makeup and a $50 gift card and makeover. I felt pretty lame in my gift giving this year.
*I got jeans! - Due to all of the weight fluctuation, I've had a very difficult time finding pants that fit. After, I surpassed a size 12, I lost all ability to figure out my size and didn't really want to face it enough to find out. So I haven't had a pair of jeans in about 4 years despite being the kind of person that prefers to wear jeans most of the time in cooler weather. I walked into the TJ Maxx dressing room with seven pairs of pants and had six that fit to choose from. My new jeans make me feel so much more confident about myself than all of the yoga pants and knit skirts I've been hiding in lately.
*got mom and Elaine equally addicted to GBBO - I freaking love the Great British Bake Off. The second I hear their theme music, I feel instantly calm. Over break, I bought all three seasons that are currently on Amazon Prime and proceeded to get mom and Elaine just as addicted to the show as I am.
*spent time with my little Ivy - As part of my Chicago trip, I got to spend a pretty excellent evening with my sweet monkey face. This kid never ceases to put a smile on my face and there is literally not a better feeling in the world than opening the door, shouting hello, and then hearing her excitedly yell my name as she runs in to hug me.
*got my hair cut with Michael - My hair fairy godmother and I have been friends since I was 12 and he was 17 and there is literally no one on earth who cuts my hair better than he does but it's very rare that our schedules match up or that I am properly prepared enough to get an appointment with him when I'm in Champaign. Getting hugs, being called kitten (no, none of the rest of you can call me kitten), and feeling fabulous because my hair looks perfect are all really excellent reasons why I will continue to go to him until we are both too old and grey to care what our hair looks like anymore.
*I proposed to two people - Okay, I wasn't really all that serious but I did tell my stylist that I would marry him in a heart beat if he felt he needed a beard through the course of the next four years of the dark ages and, after discussing our mutual need for tidiness, told Morgan that if her husband was ever not in the picture, I'd marry her in a heart beat. Both assured me that they would take my proposal into serious consideration. ;)
*got the best sleep I've had in years - Sadly, this was only during the three nights I was in Chicago but so much gratitude to moopit for putting me up in his guest room. Staying with moopit has always felt like my home away from home, he's just the only person that I am 100% comfortable sharing space with. The bed is comfortable, the shower is excellent, the neighborhood is quiet, the room is perfectly dark at night. It's just the perfect place for feeling rested and comfortable.
bad things that happened over the break
*did not get an assistantship that I was relatively certain I would get - I have been assured that I will be able to reinterview later this semester but, apparently, letting one of my professors know that I was overwhelmed last semester was a mistake. They were unsure whether I could handle the job and my studies and our department head had not had me in class yet decided to go with their opinion. I'm still pretty angry over the situation since I didn't just apply for fun but because I desperately need some income to offset the insane amount of loans I'm taking out for out-of-state tuition and living experiences. Job hunting is stressful and so far relatively unfruitful.
*two of my aunts passed away - This was rough as hell. On the Wednesday before finals week, I was sitting down in a class and checking facebook before it began only to find out that my wonderful Aunt Helen had passed away during heart surgery the day before. I hadn't seen her in over ten years and my mom and I had planned on taking a trip to see her in Connecticut over the summer. I wasn't able to make it to the funeral due to it being finals week and me being broke so I was pretty devastated. Over the break, I stopped in to see my Aunt Renee who had been battling small cell lung cancer for about two years. I knew she wasn't going to see remission but thought she still had a few months left. One day before I left to drive back to NC, we got the phone call that she had passed away and, again, I was unable to make the memorial due to needing to be back at school. I loved both of these women dearly and they were such huge parts of my childhood even though neither of them was a blood relative. I hope they both knew how much they meant to me.
*the car needed a great deal more repairs than anticipated - Big Bertha started out as a reasonably priced car and turned into an extravagant gift when we took it in to get checked over and discovered she needed new struts and several other repairs adding up to almost as much as we'd paid for the car. Brutal.
*I was stuck in my house for three days because of snow - When I got back in NC, we had just been hit by a snow storm that turned everything into solid sheets of ice. Since NC is completely incapable of handling snow removal or even salting a sidewalk, everything pretty much shuts down. Which means, I spent the first days back stuck in my house because there was nowhere to go even with a car.
*I got sick - Right before I left Illinois, I woke up with a truly nasty head cold. It started to clear up just as I was heading back to classes but got followed by the most enormous cold sore right in the middle of my bottom lip. Being sick and feeling unattractive do nothing good to improve my mood.
*I heard about some rather distressing drama with people I care about deeply - I hold myself to extremely high standards when it comes to how I live my life and how I treat other human beings so when I find out that people I really love are not being their best selves, it's hard for me to handle. I will never be able to understand clique-y elitism and when someone who means more to me than pretty much anyone and is the reason I know most of my friends gets ostracized from group functions for no good reason, I admit that I am disheartened and very disappointed in the people doing the ostracizing. I still don't know how best to handle the situation. I am fiercely loyal to my humans and feel very torn up when that leaves me in the middle of ugly behavior.
*my grandma - My grandma is old, she is diabetic, and she doesn't or isn't capable of telling others when she needs help. It's really hard for me to see my grandma doing poorly in both cognitive functioning and in being able to take care of herself because I'm not there and I can't do anything to help.
*my sister - She has really been struggling with her physical health, her mental state, and being able to keep up with her house. I feel so hopeless because I can't do anything big to help her. I can do her laundry and bring her food when I'm home but the things she really needs to do to be better are things she has to do for herself. I wish I could help her see that she's worth doing those things for.
*had to face some unpleasant truths about myself - I really do not like things that represent permanence. As I was facing the ownership of a car and the repairs needed to maintain it, I felt immediately triggered into fight-or-flight mode wanting to run away. This same thing happened repeatedly as friends regaled me with their relationship troubles. Yes, part of the reason I don't currently date is because I have no intention of staying in the state but I think an even bigger part of why I don't date is because all of my relationships have been so damaged or toxic in one way or another and I would rather run away than actually have to deal with getting into another doomed relationship. The truth is, I would really love to have someone to help with the animals, the housework, share in the bills, and to just come home to someone that can talk back but I also savor my independent life-style and the ability to be quiet and alone when I need to. I don't really think I like what that says about me but, as I have no intention on turning my focus to anything other than grad school over the next year, I think I may just have to put it on the back burner for now. A problem for future Emmy, let that guy deal with it.
goals for the new year
I would like to try to focus more on self care and being a healthier version of me which will include:
*more mediation
*continuing mindfulness on how I fuel my body
*more exercise (I really want to be able to get back to running when I return to Chicago)
*finding better means of dealing with stress and social anxiety than smoking
*getting a therapist and getting help when I need it instead of waiting until I'm in crisis to deal with my issues
