I have been back in Chicago for around 9 months now and there are some things that have been slowly sinking in since I got back. It's taken me a bit to really get into words what I've been feeling so this might not be entirely cohesive. I am not the same person that left for grad school three years ago and the lifestyle I want to lead is not aligning with the lifestyle I led when I was here before. My job does not pay me enough to live here and be able to have anything outside of necessities and that financial anxiety coupled with the extremely stressful nature of my job has kept me in a state of nearly crippling anxiety and depression for the better part of the last year. While I have enjoyed getting to know my clients and being a therapist, I have felt increased apathy for my job due to the immense barriers created by our current government social services and due to the bureaucracy and condescension of upper management at my company. I am very interested in exploring the options of pursuing a PhD but am too burned out with compassion fatigue to do the research when I'm home and would never be able to afford to take off the necessary time to visit schools I would be interested in attending. I've had increasingly expensive car repairs that have also been contributing to my financial anxiety and, due to the bills I already have and my previously mentioned low pay, I cannot currently afford a car payment. The traffic of the city has been very stressful to me since I now need to drive for work. I have been getting extremely nauseous on public transit which means I drive more and am therefore stuck in stressful traffic more. I have not had the energy to go the gym and cannot afford anything that would fall under the heading of self-care. I have had a severe upswing in headaches and stomach distress due to stress and my current unhealthy lifestyle and eating habits. I have been increasingly isolative and have difficulty following through on social commitments. I want to travel but do not have the funds and again, cannot afford to take the time off of work. My dogs are not city dogs. Penelope is highly reactive to all noises and shriek barks until I pick her up. Max is in a constant state of sensory overload and has injured me more than once with his overenthusiastic need to discover everything. I miss performing, it has been so long since I sang or acted and every single time I see a performance or hear a beautiful piece of music, my heart physically aches. The longer I stay here, the more clearly I see the holes in my life that I cannot fill here.
I would love to have time and energy to read for fun and pursue my academic research interests. I would love to buy a new car for once. I would love to be able to purchase a home with a yard. I would love to find myself back on stage or in a choir or even be able to own a piano again. I would love to travel to conferences or take a vacation or just visit out-of-state friends. I would love to be able to pursue some of my hobbies again: archery, baking, writing poetry, blogging, dance. I would love to find myself in a position to take better care of myself and my dogs. I would love to see my family more especially since my dad and my grandma have not been in the best of health. I would love to find myself in a healthy enough space to open myself up to the potential for love. I would love to get the one thing that has always seemed so out of reach and become a mother. And I just don't think I can do that here, at least not right now.
So what does that mean?
That is a two-fold plan. Foremost, it means that I plan to start pursuing employment back in the academic sphere where I may finally be able to pay off some debts and save for retirement again. Where I may find a job better suited to my experience and education that will also allow me the ability to really dig in and decide which PhD programs I'm interested in. However, the biggest change component is that I plan to pursue employment back in Champaign-Urbana where the cost of living is cheaper, it is closer to my family, and I believe I have the best potential to help myself recover back into a recognizable version of myself. I put in my four weeks notice at my job on Friday and have let my roommate know that I plan to move out at the end of June.
This has been a very difficult conclusion to reach because Chicago was the first place I ever truly felt like I was home in. It is the place where I met my chosen family and the truest friends I could have ever hoped for. It is the place where I found the strength and support to change my life for the better, to pursue dreams that I once thought were long dead. I have experienced tremendous love and equally immense loss, I have seen the best parts of myself blossom while pruning out the weakest parts. I could not have asked for a better home base over the last ten years. I also have really struggled with feelings of loss, failure, and worries that I am letting people down. But changes need to be made in order to help me achieve my next set of dreams and I truly believe this is the right next step in that journey.
