waiting

Being in a town where the only people I know are my classmates with no car and a shitty public transit system means I spend a lot of time by myself. I have had a great deal of time over the past few months for self-reflection. Last year, when I started looking at graduate schools, part of me was looking out of state to be closer to my then partner but a larger part of me was ready to run away again. I felt like life in Chicago was rejecting me. I had spent seven years working my ass off for a job that never appreciated me and then stuck me with an abusive boss, I had no social life because I was tired and stressed and had too much homework and had to study for the GRE, I had dropped every hobby to save money and time, and other than my mess of a recent relationship, I couldn't seem to meet anyone who I liked spending time with as much as the people I already had in my life let alone want to date. I thought moving would change that up. I thought I could just go be someone new and just make a home in a brand new place. I was so wrong. Chicago was always home, even before I met all of my friend family and I was lonely all of the time, Chicago was home. My Chicago life hadn't gotten lame, I had and I cannot begin to tell you how much I wish I was there right now. I neglected the people and things that mattered most to me shamefully over the last two years and I have nothing to show for it except thirty extra pounds, the need for a new therapist, and being completely alone in a town that I will never feel at home in. Don't get me wrong, this is a wallowing moment. This program is exactly the kind of work I should be doing and, despite the looming student loan debt of doom, I know I made the right decision to do this. I just really wish I could do this and still be home. And let me tell you, when I get back there, I'm going to stop making excuses and find a way to live my life the way I want to. I am going to spend time with my humans and cook good food and find a new archery range and get back to judo and go swing dancing and go to the movies and head to the woods to fight zombies on weekends. I'm tired of waiting. Waiting until I pay off some bills, waiting until I finish school, waiting until I find the perfect job, waiting until I have a partner to share it with, waiting to tell people how I feel and what I think, waiting to go home. Right now is hard but I swear when I get home, we're going to do this thing, people.