New TV Shows - New Hell's Kitchen, The Voice, Doctor Who, AND Game of Thrones. Seriously why do I not have cable right now?
Spring Break - It is such a relief not to have any reading to do, any papers to write, or any pressing activities in the evenings even if it's only for a week. (I swear I'll stop catching up on housework and sleep and get to the gym this weekend)
Good Grades - Yes last quarter I had a 3.85 and I was on the Dean's list for the first time ever and yes I would love to do that every quarter. But this quarter was hard, it kicked my ass, I was emotionally and physically exhausted, and I still managed to come out with a 3.0. I'll take it and maybe I'll get back on the Dean's list next quarter.
Easter Candy - I rank all holidays in the order of how much I like their candy which is why Easter is my favorite holiday of all time. Marshmallow eggs, Cadbury creme eggs, jelly beans, adorable pastel colored Nerds, and whoppers that come shaped like eggs. It pretty much makes my inner sugar monster jump up and down with joy.
A Night Out - I haven't had a lot of time for socializing this quarter and everyone tends to hermit up during the cold months so it was really amazing to get out of the house, put on a pretty dress, do my makeup, and spend an evening with my dearest friends. Stephanie kept telling me how relaxed I looked and it was NOT just the wine.
A Night Off - Monday night's judo lesson was canceled and, even though I love that class more every week, it was so nice to order fatty food and lay on the couch with my dog.
Warmer Weather - Spring is coming y'all. I can smell it in the air and Saturday is supposed to be our first 50 degree day this month. It is so much easier to stay positive with the sun on your face.
Food Coma - My mama came to town last weekend and, within the 24 hours she was here, we had dumplings and mushu chicken at Yen's, breakfast at Bakin' & Eggs, eclairs and croissants at the new boulangerie in my neighborhood, fatty Starbucks drinks, and Chipotle. No wonder we needed an afternoon nap before she dropped me off at my party.
Art Institute Cooking Demonstrations - Carolyn's aunt couldn't go so I got to go to the amazing Picasso-themed cooking demonstration/dinner/wine tasting at the Art Institute on Sunday. We had tortilla espanola with romesco sauce, poached cod and steamed manila clams in a shellfish brolo with toasted bread with parsley-garlic puree, duck pinchos with saffron pilaf rice, and creme catalan. Along with a glass of sparkling wine, two different glasses of white wine, a glass of red wine, and a glass of sherry. It was ridiculously tasty, super decadent, and put me in my second food coma of the weekend.
Me Time - So far this week I have done nothing other than go to work and go home. I've worked on housework and projects I've been putting off for a later date and spent large amounts of time watching movies on the couch with my girls and actually cooking real food. The anti-social thing has been refreshing and I apologize to anyone I've been blowing off this week. I promise I'll get back to my regular social butterfly of a self soon.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Happy Endings
When I sat down this morning, I had intentions of writing a blog about my extreme disappointment with several family members and a few friends and their overly religious anti-gay marriage posts yesterday. Their ignorance of science, bigotry, and inability to realize that this is a state issue and not a religious one really made me sad. But the truth is, most of the people I love and who actually take the time to read this are truly remarkable, well-informed, and tolerant people so I won't waste your time with one more ranting argument in favor of equality because you already know.
I had a change of direction in the blog-brain while I was finishing up the last episode of Dollhouse over lunch. This is the first time I've watched it since it first aired and I forgot just how much I loved this show. What it got me thinking about was happy endings. My mom and I had a conversation many years ago about how she feels that women today have a skewed reality of how relationships are and idealize love based off of the relationships we view in TV and movies. She thinks it leaves them constantly disappointed and searching for things that do not exist. I couldn't disagree more.
I am a hopeless romantic. My movie collection is way over half full of "chick flicks" and probably makes any male passing within a five block radius of my apartment inexplicably nauseous. I'm constantly looking for that perfect date, the dramatic movie climax where you make the realization that you're in love with someone, the fairy tale happy ending. And I don't think I'm alone and I don't really think it's an epidemic that exists only in the female population. Most importantly, though, I don't think it's too much to ask.
The reason we love romance in the movies so much is because it works out the way it's supposed to. Men treat women with respect and, when they don't, they either end up alone or realize their mistake and make up for it. No one ever realizes too late that the person they let go is the person they were supposed to be with all along. There are grand gestures and couples that are willing to make the necessary sacrifices that make relationships work. They'd rather spend time with their significant other than anyone else and they stand up for them to their friends. They aren't afraid to say "I love you".
Those are all things we desperately long for, even those of us who don't believe in "sappy love" or that real love even can exist. We want it and we make idiots of ourselves in search of it. The connection that makes sense and lasts through pain and joy, loss and discovery, hard times and easy ones. It's right to look for that perfectly timed first kiss underneath the fireworks, it's right to be sad when someone tells you they should have gotten you when they had the chance after it's too late, it's okay to miss someone even years after they left, and it's not pathetic to hope for that grand gesture to win you back. It's not too much to ask for. So every time Buffy tells Spike she loves him or Julia Stiles shows up at the end of Down to You or when Barney proposes to Robin, I cry and I wait for someone else to realize that giving yourself over to another person and being a sappy romantic and believing in love isn't such a terrible thing.
I had a change of direction in the blog-brain while I was finishing up the last episode of Dollhouse over lunch. This is the first time I've watched it since it first aired and I forgot just how much I loved this show. What it got me thinking about was happy endings. My mom and I had a conversation many years ago about how she feels that women today have a skewed reality of how relationships are and idealize love based off of the relationships we view in TV and movies. She thinks it leaves them constantly disappointed and searching for things that do not exist. I couldn't disagree more.
I am a hopeless romantic. My movie collection is way over half full of "chick flicks" and probably makes any male passing within a five block radius of my apartment inexplicably nauseous. I'm constantly looking for that perfect date, the dramatic movie climax where you make the realization that you're in love with someone, the fairy tale happy ending. And I don't think I'm alone and I don't really think it's an epidemic that exists only in the female population. Most importantly, though, I don't think it's too much to ask.
The reason we love romance in the movies so much is because it works out the way it's supposed to. Men treat women with respect and, when they don't, they either end up alone or realize their mistake and make up for it. No one ever realizes too late that the person they let go is the person they were supposed to be with all along. There are grand gestures and couples that are willing to make the necessary sacrifices that make relationships work. They'd rather spend time with their significant other than anyone else and they stand up for them to their friends. They aren't afraid to say "I love you".
Those are all things we desperately long for, even those of us who don't believe in "sappy love" or that real love even can exist. We want it and we make idiots of ourselves in search of it. The connection that makes sense and lasts through pain and joy, loss and discovery, hard times and easy ones. It's right to look for that perfectly timed first kiss underneath the fireworks, it's right to be sad when someone tells you they should have gotten you when they had the chance after it's too late, it's okay to miss someone even years after they left, and it's not pathetic to hope for that grand gesture to win you back. It's not too much to ask for. So every time Buffy tells Spike she loves him or Julia Stiles shows up at the end of Down to You or when Barney proposes to Robin, I cry and I wait for someone else to realize that giving yourself over to another person and being a sappy romantic and believing in love isn't such a terrible thing.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Things I Love Thursday
Supportive communities - The amount of love and support I got from my last post was incredibly overwhelming and humbling. I hoped that sharing my story would help others who were to scared or ashamed to share their own and I never realized just how many people would rise up to support that and help to protect the victims.
New friends - My favorite part about making a new friend is learning all of the interesting things about them that make them unique. For that, especially, thanks to my new friend Barry for sharing and for the ride home from class Tuesday night.
Controversial topics - A couple of days ago I posted a question on facebook about why the election of the pope mattered so much to people who were not in fact religious. I wasn't trying to stir things up or tell them they didn't have a right to care but, having not been religious in over a decade, I was really interested. I love learning how other people think and why they feel the way they do. I also loved that most of my friends were respectful enough to state their opinions and leave and not attack the people who didn't agree with them.
Grubhub - When you are just too damn exhausted/busy/sick to cook, it is really nice that I can open up my phone and get someone to bring food for me.
Breathing through my nose - Today is the first day I have comfortably been able to do that in a week. It's amazing how much you forget every time you have a cold what a wonderful thing it is to breathe through your nose.
Mommy visits - Tomorrow my mom is picking me up from work and spending the next 24 hours with me, eating tasty food, drinking wine, and hanging out at my archery range. Yay!
Last day of class - Tonight is my last class this quarter. I still have to finish all of my papers and email them out by Saturday morning but I will finally be done with the quarter from hell.
New friends - My favorite part about making a new friend is learning all of the interesting things about them that make them unique. For that, especially, thanks to my new friend Barry for sharing and for the ride home from class Tuesday night.
Controversial topics - A couple of days ago I posted a question on facebook about why the election of the pope mattered so much to people who were not in fact religious. I wasn't trying to stir things up or tell them they didn't have a right to care but, having not been religious in over a decade, I was really interested. I love learning how other people think and why they feel the way they do. I also loved that most of my friends were respectful enough to state their opinions and leave and not attack the people who didn't agree with them.
Grubhub - When you are just too damn exhausted/busy/sick to cook, it is really nice that I can open up my phone and get someone to bring food for me.
Breathing through my nose - Today is the first day I have comfortably been able to do that in a week. It's amazing how much you forget every time you have a cold what a wonderful thing it is to breathe through your nose.
Mommy visits - Tomorrow my mom is picking me up from work and spending the next 24 hours with me, eating tasty food, drinking wine, and hanging out at my archery range. Yay!
Last day of class - Tonight is my last class this quarter. I still have to finish all of my papers and email them out by Saturday morning but I will finally be done with the quarter from hell.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Silence is our curse
As my disgust grows with the media coverage of the Steubenville rapes and what I'm sure is likely to be a scandal is about to rock the world of some people I know that aren't nearly as drama-free as they like to pretend they are, I've been doing a lot of thinking about the women who keep their silence and wondering if my own hasn't hurt more people in the long run than it ever helped. A lot of people in my family won't want to hear the things I have to say because we've ignored them for so long. A lot of people I care about could have been saved a lot of pain if I had not kept my silence and slipped off into a new life. But I am so very tired of always keeping my peace to maintain someone else's "good name".
In my family, men can do no wrong. I have watched again and again as my cousins and uncles and grandfather are idolized and the women they have destroyed over the years are treated as second class citizens. Last year, when my grandfather fell and hit his head and everyone thought that this was finally the end, one of my cousins posted from the hospital that it was tough to see a great man struck down like that. Maybe some of the younger ones are too young to remember, maybe there parents have spent their entire lives denying what their childhood was like, but my grandfather has never been what you would call a great man. My grandfather was smart, on occasion funny, a great dancer, but the dark side that my mother and her siblings lived with every day and, to a lesser extent, my cousins and I grew up with was an evil force to be reckoned with. My grandfather was (before a stroke melted his brain into goo) an alcoholic. He abused his children in horrifying ways that most people wouldn't believe if you told them and, when we were kids, he would squeeze our hands as hard as he could just to make us cry and would go off on drunken rants and disgusting jokes that children should never have to listen to.
When my uncle's wife finally had enough and walked out on their marriage, people said it was such a shame to see such a great couple split after so many years together. My uncle is also an abusive alcoholic, he is a mean-spirited bigot, and no one ever knew about all of the times he cheated on her and made her feel worthless and locked her in the closet so she couldn't leave the house.
But my family stands up for them and is blind to their faults and considers them to be "great men" who "love their families". Any time a woman leaves her husband, though, my family finds some way of putting the blame on her.
Even when my father was on drugs and stopped paying my sister's child support and stole $1000 out of my checking account, my family stood up for him (let me point out that this is my mother's biological family). After spending years trying to help him get clean and manage his finances and even letting him live in my home and providing him with things he needed to be able to live on the road for his job and even driving through some of the worst neighborhoods trying to find him and bring him home, I had had enough. I kicked him out and told him that I couldn't be in his life while he was destroying it. My family would call me from the homeless shelters they found him at and make me feel guilty for not taking care of him, they would scold me for not respecting him as much as I should because he was my father and he "loved me".
It doesn't seem to matter in this world how much harm men have caused, women are supposed to take it and bare their pain silently.
A long time ago, a friend kissed me and told me how very much he wanted to be with me but could not leave his wife. I was in an incredibly low point in my life and was very lost and because he was someone I thought was my very best friend and I trusted him, I let things get farther than I could live with. Having had the "other woman" break up my own marriage, I never wanted to be that person. I could no longer live in the same city as my shame and I took the first job offer I could and moved away that fall. In the years since then, I have watched him befriend and groom many other women to be his unsuspecting play things. I have no idea how many of them have fallen victim to his charm and been shamed into silence because the scandal would be too much to live with. I wonder how many people's lives have been thrown into upset because I chose to keep my silence and not warn them all about who and what he was.
But I am tired of being silent. And I am tired of watching other women being shamed into silence. Please, my dearest friends, stand up and tell your stories. Support the strong, beautiful women around you when they break their silence. And stop accepting a society that requires us to be ashamed of the things that were done to us by others.
In my family, men can do no wrong. I have watched again and again as my cousins and uncles and grandfather are idolized and the women they have destroyed over the years are treated as second class citizens. Last year, when my grandfather fell and hit his head and everyone thought that this was finally the end, one of my cousins posted from the hospital that it was tough to see a great man struck down like that. Maybe some of the younger ones are too young to remember, maybe there parents have spent their entire lives denying what their childhood was like, but my grandfather has never been what you would call a great man. My grandfather was smart, on occasion funny, a great dancer, but the dark side that my mother and her siblings lived with every day and, to a lesser extent, my cousins and I grew up with was an evil force to be reckoned with. My grandfather was (before a stroke melted his brain into goo) an alcoholic. He abused his children in horrifying ways that most people wouldn't believe if you told them and, when we were kids, he would squeeze our hands as hard as he could just to make us cry and would go off on drunken rants and disgusting jokes that children should never have to listen to.
When my uncle's wife finally had enough and walked out on their marriage, people said it was such a shame to see such a great couple split after so many years together. My uncle is also an abusive alcoholic, he is a mean-spirited bigot, and no one ever knew about all of the times he cheated on her and made her feel worthless and locked her in the closet so she couldn't leave the house.
But my family stands up for them and is blind to their faults and considers them to be "great men" who "love their families". Any time a woman leaves her husband, though, my family finds some way of putting the blame on her.
Even when my father was on drugs and stopped paying my sister's child support and stole $1000 out of my checking account, my family stood up for him (let me point out that this is my mother's biological family). After spending years trying to help him get clean and manage his finances and even letting him live in my home and providing him with things he needed to be able to live on the road for his job and even driving through some of the worst neighborhoods trying to find him and bring him home, I had had enough. I kicked him out and told him that I couldn't be in his life while he was destroying it. My family would call me from the homeless shelters they found him at and make me feel guilty for not taking care of him, they would scold me for not respecting him as much as I should because he was my father and he "loved me".
It doesn't seem to matter in this world how much harm men have caused, women are supposed to take it and bare their pain silently.
A long time ago, a friend kissed me and told me how very much he wanted to be with me but could not leave his wife. I was in an incredibly low point in my life and was very lost and because he was someone I thought was my very best friend and I trusted him, I let things get farther than I could live with. Having had the "other woman" break up my own marriage, I never wanted to be that person. I could no longer live in the same city as my shame and I took the first job offer I could and moved away that fall. In the years since then, I have watched him befriend and groom many other women to be his unsuspecting play things. I have no idea how many of them have fallen victim to his charm and been shamed into silence because the scandal would be too much to live with. I wonder how many people's lives have been thrown into upset because I chose to keep my silence and not warn them all about who and what he was.
But I am tired of being silent. And I am tired of watching other women being shamed into silence. Please, my dearest friends, stand up and tell your stories. Support the strong, beautiful women around you when they break their silence. And stop accepting a society that requires us to be ashamed of the things that were done to us by others.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Things I Love Thursday
Brunch and taxidermy - Sunday, I had a lovely brunch at m.henry with my girlfriends, Elise and Carolyn. I had chocolate & sour cherry brioche french toast and fabulous conversation. Afterward, we scooted down to Wooly Mammoth and checked out some bizarre and fantastic taxidermy. If you're interested in things that are a bit outside the box, this is a great Andersonville shop to make a stop at.
Wreck It Ralph - Saturday night my friend, Aaron, and I grabbed some dinner at Yen's and headed back to my place to drink wine, cuddle with my babies, and watch Wreck It Ralph. This movie was great and adorable and made you feel all warm and cozy inside like Despicable Me and Monsters, Inc. And it was my first real non-family visitor at the apartment which was kind of nice.
Classmates - This quarter has been miserable and my teachers have been infuriating but the friends I've made in class, especially Irena and Barry, have made it bearable and it's nice to have someone who understands what you're going through.
My phone case - http://www.etsy.com/listing/112793249/doctor-who-tardis-samsung-galaxy-s3-case?utm_source=google&utm_medium=product_listing_promoted&utm_campaign=accessories_low&gclid=CNbXx4zy_LUCFe4-Mgod4QwA3A Yeah, it makes me smile every time I look at my phone.
Baby birthday parties - Ivy's first birthday party was last Saturday afternoon. It was a great afternoon with Tim and Sarah's family and Ivy's caregivers. I spent most of the time rolling around on the floor with her, Oliver, Dean, and Ethan. And everyone loved the dress that she wore that I bought her for Christmas.
My sister - This kid is a rock star. She has had more life hits than most people in the world and she just keeps getting back up and kicking ass and taking names. She texted me yesterday to tell me how much she likes my blog (which coming from someone who is a way better writer than me is a huge compliment) and said she hoped the doctors Richardson would write books together one day. Now I will most certainly never have a doctorate (I just don't hate myself enough to write a thesis) but I'm sure she will be awesome at it and I'd be happy to be the extra Ms. Richardson on her book sleeve.
Wreck It Ralph - Saturday night my friend, Aaron, and I grabbed some dinner at Yen's and headed back to my place to drink wine, cuddle with my babies, and watch Wreck It Ralph. This movie was great and adorable and made you feel all warm and cozy inside like Despicable Me and Monsters, Inc. And it was my first real non-family visitor at the apartment which was kind of nice.
Classmates - This quarter has been miserable and my teachers have been infuriating but the friends I've made in class, especially Irena and Barry, have made it bearable and it's nice to have someone who understands what you're going through.
My phone case - http://www.etsy.com/listing/112793249/doctor-who-tardis-samsung-galaxy-s3-case?utm_source=google&utm_medium=product_listing_promoted&utm_campaign=accessories_low&gclid=CNbXx4zy_LUCFe4-Mgod4QwA3A Yeah, it makes me smile every time I look at my phone.
Baby birthday parties - Ivy's first birthday party was last Saturday afternoon. It was a great afternoon with Tim and Sarah's family and Ivy's caregivers. I spent most of the time rolling around on the floor with her, Oliver, Dean, and Ethan. And everyone loved the dress that she wore that I bought her for Christmas.
My sister - This kid is a rock star. She has had more life hits than most people in the world and she just keeps getting back up and kicking ass and taking names. She texted me yesterday to tell me how much she likes my blog (which coming from someone who is a way better writer than me is a huge compliment) and said she hoped the doctors Richardson would write books together one day. Now I will most certainly never have a doctorate (I just don't hate myself enough to write a thesis) but I'm sure she will be awesome at it and I'd be happy to be the extra Ms. Richardson on her book sleeve.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Unpopular and proud of it
I have a few small rants that I'm just going to squish into one blog because I really should be doing much more important things. I'm aware that most of today's opinions will be wildly unpopular but, as usual, you don't have to agree with me, it's just a new idea to consider. Typically I don't tend to make a big deal about my opinions or political/religious/etc affiliations because I've found that the second someone disagrees with you it melts down into name-calling, people who think that the louder opinion is clearly the better, and general chaos. I don't think arguing is fun and find that most "friendly debates" are really just mean and intolerant. Which leads me to two brief rants one on a less personal matter but I find both to be serious issues that I take umbrage with.
First off, I agree with Taylor Swift. Last week, I noticed this article <http://news.yahoo.com/taylor-swift-slams-tina-fey-amy-poehler-love-201111267.html> pop up in a friends facebook feed who was, of course, offended that anyone would dare to call out Tina Fey. Is my opinion biased because I find Taylor Swift's catchy love songs to be a guilty pleasure I indulge in a little too frequently? Or because I only occasionally found 30 Rock mildly amusing and most of that was because of Alec Baldwin? Not really. I don't think most comedians are funny. I think that if you lack the wit to find a joke that is not at someone else's expense that you have failed your job. Sure, you might think it's hilarious to make fun of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes divorce but, having been through divorce twice, it's not funny and it's not fun to any of the parties involved and it is especially difficult for people who live their life in the public eye. I find this to be a growing problem among women. Why do we get such personal pleasure out of other women's misery? There are so many difficult factors that go into being a woman that we should be lifting each other up not slamming each other's dating histories. And then, just a week later, this little ditty popped up <http://www.opposingviews.com/i/entertainment/tina-fey-tells-photog-go-fck-yourself-after-he-presses-her-about-taylor-swift-0>. Really, Tina, really? The woman that everyone is so inspired by who has written books and stands for women everywhere can come up with no better response to a nosy photographer than "Go fuck yourself" and "Get a job"? Sorry, Tina, but that's called karma. This guy has a job and it's the same as yours, getting rich off of making other people feel like crap. There's a fine line between mean and funny and I'm just tired of the injustice of people suffering for other people's comedy.
Second, when did friendships start becoming about what you could get from the other person instead of a common bond between kindred spirits? I dealt with this a lot in the theatre community and have noticed it increasingly as an adult. All of the "popular" groups and cliques only let new people in if they think that it will somehow benefit them in the long run. Do they have good contacts, are they a director that could cast you in a show some day, do they have a skill that you would like to use (for free because you're friends of course), will they get your business new clients, will they donate money to your kickstarter, can you come over and use their cable/internet so you don't have to pay for your own, will they help move your couch, does being friends with them somehow boost your status? Seriously, when did this happen? I have never been concerned about my own popularity. Being my own person despite the consequences has always been a pretty big deal to me but I just don't understand this attitude. Back in 2007, when my friends Leann & JR were getting married, they voiced their concerns over not knowing where to find a vocalist to sing the Ave Maria at their wedding. I of course spoke up saying that I knew the song and would be happy to sing for them if they needed someone. They didn't do this hoping I would volunteer, it had never occurred to them to ask a friend who sang if they knew the song. I have babysat, washed dishes, cooked dinner, baked pie, helped people move, and gone above and beyond for my friends time and time again but none of it was out of some desire for recognition or because they made me feel like we wouldn't be friends if I couldn't somehow provide them with some kind of service. I love each and every one of my friends. We have shared life experiences, tears, hugs, and many many laughs. We have common interests, shared passions, and a great desire to hear and be heard. We don't spend time with each other because of what the other person can give us but because of the bond we receive when we give to the other person selflessly. Friends are not necessarily your coworkers/classmates/drinking buddies just because they're the people you spend the most time with, mostly those are just acquaintances. Friends are the people that lift you up, accept you for who you are (who you date, where you work, what you look like, what you know), and know they can count on you to do the same. I have a lot of acquaintances but my friends, the ones I picked and who I was lucky enough to have pick me, are small and intimate group that I wouldn't have made it this far without. I may not be popular in a conventional sense but I know what's important and feel all the richer for it.
First off, I agree with Taylor Swift. Last week, I noticed this article <http://news.yahoo.com/taylor-swift-slams-tina-fey-amy-poehler-love-201111267.html> pop up in a friends facebook feed who was, of course, offended that anyone would dare to call out Tina Fey. Is my opinion biased because I find Taylor Swift's catchy love songs to be a guilty pleasure I indulge in a little too frequently? Or because I only occasionally found 30 Rock mildly amusing and most of that was because of Alec Baldwin? Not really. I don't think most comedians are funny. I think that if you lack the wit to find a joke that is not at someone else's expense that you have failed your job. Sure, you might think it's hilarious to make fun of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes divorce but, having been through divorce twice, it's not funny and it's not fun to any of the parties involved and it is especially difficult for people who live their life in the public eye. I find this to be a growing problem among women. Why do we get such personal pleasure out of other women's misery? There are so many difficult factors that go into being a woman that we should be lifting each other up not slamming each other's dating histories. And then, just a week later, this little ditty popped up <http://www.opposingviews.com/i/entertainment/tina-fey-tells-photog-go-fck-yourself-after-he-presses-her-about-taylor-swift-0>. Really, Tina, really? The woman that everyone is so inspired by who has written books and stands for women everywhere can come up with no better response to a nosy photographer than "Go fuck yourself" and "Get a job"? Sorry, Tina, but that's called karma. This guy has a job and it's the same as yours, getting rich off of making other people feel like crap. There's a fine line between mean and funny and I'm just tired of the injustice of people suffering for other people's comedy.
Second, when did friendships start becoming about what you could get from the other person instead of a common bond between kindred spirits? I dealt with this a lot in the theatre community and have noticed it increasingly as an adult. All of the "popular" groups and cliques only let new people in if they think that it will somehow benefit them in the long run. Do they have good contacts, are they a director that could cast you in a show some day, do they have a skill that you would like to use (for free because you're friends of course), will they get your business new clients, will they donate money to your kickstarter, can you come over and use their cable/internet so you don't have to pay for your own, will they help move your couch, does being friends with them somehow boost your status? Seriously, when did this happen? I have never been concerned about my own popularity. Being my own person despite the consequences has always been a pretty big deal to me but I just don't understand this attitude. Back in 2007, when my friends Leann & JR were getting married, they voiced their concerns over not knowing where to find a vocalist to sing the Ave Maria at their wedding. I of course spoke up saying that I knew the song and would be happy to sing for them if they needed someone. They didn't do this hoping I would volunteer, it had never occurred to them to ask a friend who sang if they knew the song. I have babysat, washed dishes, cooked dinner, baked pie, helped people move, and gone above and beyond for my friends time and time again but none of it was out of some desire for recognition or because they made me feel like we wouldn't be friends if I couldn't somehow provide them with some kind of service. I love each and every one of my friends. We have shared life experiences, tears, hugs, and many many laughs. We have common interests, shared passions, and a great desire to hear and be heard. We don't spend time with each other because of what the other person can give us but because of the bond we receive when we give to the other person selflessly. Friends are not necessarily your coworkers/classmates/drinking buddies just because they're the people you spend the most time with, mostly those are just acquaintances. Friends are the people that lift you up, accept you for who you are (who you date, where you work, what you look like, what you know), and know they can count on you to do the same. I have a lot of acquaintances but my friends, the ones I picked and who I was lucky enough to have pick me, are small and intimate group that I wouldn't have made it this far without. I may not be popular in a conventional sense but I know what's important and feel all the richer for it.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Observations on Happiness and Fulfillment
I always used to wonder why some of my friends seemed so much happier than I did. Was it that they never experienced hardships or did they have some secret to enjoying life that I was incapable of discovering? I feel like I've started to figure out a few of the answers.
First off, get help. If you are suffering from extreme anxiety and depression and have been for many year, go get help. Go on antidepressants, see a therapist, do something. I feel like this is something I shouldn't have to say in this day and age but the stigma around labeling ourselves with mental disorders is still rampant. I spent the past fifteen years telling myself that it wasn't that bad and I could handle it myself and that I didn't need anyone's help. I self-harmed, I skipped classes, I spent hours locked up in my room/apartment in front of a computer or a video game or the TV, I was scared to go to parties or auditions or the gym or to sign up for a new activity, I never made plans with friends because I was always scared of getting rejected. I was ashamed to ask for help because I thought it made me weak. Last summer I finally went on Cymbalta and it's been a life changer. It's so much easier to get out and do the things I need to do and, more importantly, the things I want to do. Treat your mental self well. Stop tearing yourself down, stop telling yourself that you can't, and don't be ashamed of your chemical imbalance, get help.
Second, treat your body well. You are always going to feel like crap if you constantly feed crap into your system. Eat some fruits and veggies, skip the fast food, don't skip breakfast, quit smoking, move. I'm not saying go vegan or starting training for a marathon. Even little changes can make a huge difference in how you physically feel and your general attitude about life.
Third, treat others well. Stop the cattiness among women, stop bullying and insulting people outside of your comfort zone, let go of anger. Toxicity breeds toxicity and all of this anger and bitchiness hurts you just as much if not more than it hurts the other person.
Do something fulfilling. Create attainable goals and take steps to accomplish them. The most depressed I have ever been when I was stuck in the stagnation of unfulfilled hopes and dreams. It's not always easy or quick but just having a goal is a good start. Sitting around not knowing where you want to go next makes you feel hopeless. Moping about all of the things that didn't work out just makes you feel like shit. You want a specific job, figure out what you need to get it. You want to live in a different city, start researching cost of living and applying to jobs. You want to act/sing/dance, audition. You want to lose weight, change your diet and join a gym. Always wanted a tattoo/to take judo/go skydiving, go do it. People always regret the things they didn't do more than the things they did.
Most importantly, happiness is a choice. Things will happen that are outside your control. Your partner will leave, a friend will hurt you, people will lie, a relative will die, there will be natural disasters. But how you choose to react is what will define who you are. You are allowed to be sad, you are allowed to feel anger, you are allowed to be lonely but you can't allow those feelings to define you. Without knowing the pain of sorrow, you will never be able to fully appreciate the true ecstasy of joy. If you never fight with your partner, you won't truly appreciate the quiet times when you sit in silence just enjoying your togetherness. If you have never lost, you won't appreciate the new people and things you discover along the way. To quote the great and wonderful Stephen Sondheim, "If life were only moments, then you'd never know you had one." Use your pain to find new depths of happiness and as an experience that will lead to new discoveries.
First off, get help. If you are suffering from extreme anxiety and depression and have been for many year, go get help. Go on antidepressants, see a therapist, do something. I feel like this is something I shouldn't have to say in this day and age but the stigma around labeling ourselves with mental disorders is still rampant. I spent the past fifteen years telling myself that it wasn't that bad and I could handle it myself and that I didn't need anyone's help. I self-harmed, I skipped classes, I spent hours locked up in my room/apartment in front of a computer or a video game or the TV, I was scared to go to parties or auditions or the gym or to sign up for a new activity, I never made plans with friends because I was always scared of getting rejected. I was ashamed to ask for help because I thought it made me weak. Last summer I finally went on Cymbalta and it's been a life changer. It's so much easier to get out and do the things I need to do and, more importantly, the things I want to do. Treat your mental self well. Stop tearing yourself down, stop telling yourself that you can't, and don't be ashamed of your chemical imbalance, get help.
Second, treat your body well. You are always going to feel like crap if you constantly feed crap into your system. Eat some fruits and veggies, skip the fast food, don't skip breakfast, quit smoking, move. I'm not saying go vegan or starting training for a marathon. Even little changes can make a huge difference in how you physically feel and your general attitude about life.
Third, treat others well. Stop the cattiness among women, stop bullying and insulting people outside of your comfort zone, let go of anger. Toxicity breeds toxicity and all of this anger and bitchiness hurts you just as much if not more than it hurts the other person.
Do something fulfilling. Create attainable goals and take steps to accomplish them. The most depressed I have ever been when I was stuck in the stagnation of unfulfilled hopes and dreams. It's not always easy or quick but just having a goal is a good start. Sitting around not knowing where you want to go next makes you feel hopeless. Moping about all of the things that didn't work out just makes you feel like shit. You want a specific job, figure out what you need to get it. You want to live in a different city, start researching cost of living and applying to jobs. You want to act/sing/dance, audition. You want to lose weight, change your diet and join a gym. Always wanted a tattoo/to take judo/go skydiving, go do it. People always regret the things they didn't do more than the things they did.
Most importantly, happiness is a choice. Things will happen that are outside your control. Your partner will leave, a friend will hurt you, people will lie, a relative will die, there will be natural disasters. But how you choose to react is what will define who you are. You are allowed to be sad, you are allowed to feel anger, you are allowed to be lonely but you can't allow those feelings to define you. Without knowing the pain of sorrow, you will never be able to fully appreciate the true ecstasy of joy. If you never fight with your partner, you won't truly appreciate the quiet times when you sit in silence just enjoying your togetherness. If you have never lost, you won't appreciate the new people and things you discover along the way. To quote the great and wonderful Stephen Sondheim, "If life were only moments, then you'd never know you had one." Use your pain to find new depths of happiness and as an experience that will lead to new discoveries.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Things I Love Thursday
Inspiring People - The older I get, the more important it is to me that I spend my quality time with people who inspire me. People who inspire me to be a better person, writer, friend, athlete. My judo senseis are currently my biggest inspiration with the wonderful work they do with the disabled and impaired. I really hope that one day I love my work and help people at the same time as much as they do.
Tattoos -
My sister and I got tattoos when I went home on the 23rd. It is a quote from Eat, Pray, Love and words that we try to live by. It didn't hurt nearly as bad as I thought it would and I'm already anticipating when I can get another one.
Sons of the Prophet - The real reason I went home was to see this show and it blew my mind. Loosely based on Kahlil Gibran's book, the message was touching and exactly what I needed to hear after a rough month. Not to mention the actors, especially my mom, were insanely good. If you're in Champaign, try to make it out to see the last three performances tonight through Saturday at The Station.
Wine & Cupcakes - I went to a wine tasting at Bodega Ramos with my friend Carolyn Saturday night. I made some new friends (yay Summer and Zev) and tasted twenty-two different types of amazing wine. Then, after realizing that no one had ever been to Molly's, I drug them a mile down the road, carrying several bottles of wine, to eat amazing cupcakes which was the perfect end to a truly delightful evening.
Justification - I went to brunch with a friend Sunday morning. She is also way into psychology and it was nice to sit and talk to someone who understood where I was coming from from all aspects. It was also nice to have a mutual friend that wasn't playing the whole "I can't say anything about the other person" game. It was nice to finally have someone say, "Yes, they're my friend but they behaved badly and I think what they did was wrong." In my opinion, that's part of what your friends are supposed to be there for, calling you on your bullshit.
Races - So, I'm already signed up for the Cinco de Miler and the Hot Chocolate 5K and, after several emails back and forth, am now also planning on running the Rave Run, Proud to Run, Arctic Blast 5K, Firefly Run, and Pumpkins in the Park. That puts me at 7 runs on the docket so far this year and I couldn't be happier that I am pushing myself physically.
Judo - There just aren't enough words for how much I love judo. I started an all-women's class and this week was my second lesson. The energy in this class is amazing. All of the senseis are encouraging and passionate about what they do, all of the girls are fierce and friendly, and there is a real sense of community and belonging with none of that side of cattiness that so often follows groups of women around. There's just something really special about spending an hour throwing and pinning other girls with ferocity and then finishing up hugging each other and being glad you'll get to see them again in a week and sad that it's not more often.
Tattoos -
Sons of the Prophet - The real reason I went home was to see this show and it blew my mind. Loosely based on Kahlil Gibran's book, the message was touching and exactly what I needed to hear after a rough month. Not to mention the actors, especially my mom, were insanely good. If you're in Champaign, try to make it out to see the last three performances tonight through Saturday at The Station.
Wine & Cupcakes - I went to a wine tasting at Bodega Ramos with my friend Carolyn Saturday night. I made some new friends (yay Summer and Zev) and tasted twenty-two different types of amazing wine. Then, after realizing that no one had ever been to Molly's, I drug them a mile down the road, carrying several bottles of wine, to eat amazing cupcakes which was the perfect end to a truly delightful evening.
Justification - I went to brunch with a friend Sunday morning. She is also way into psychology and it was nice to sit and talk to someone who understood where I was coming from from all aspects. It was also nice to have a mutual friend that wasn't playing the whole "I can't say anything about the other person" game. It was nice to finally have someone say, "Yes, they're my friend but they behaved badly and I think what they did was wrong." In my opinion, that's part of what your friends are supposed to be there for, calling you on your bullshit.
Races - So, I'm already signed up for the Cinco de Miler and the Hot Chocolate 5K and, after several emails back and forth, am now also planning on running the Rave Run, Proud to Run, Arctic Blast 5K, Firefly Run, and Pumpkins in the Park. That puts me at 7 runs on the docket so far this year and I couldn't be happier that I am pushing myself physically.
Judo - There just aren't enough words for how much I love judo. I started an all-women's class and this week was my second lesson. The energy in this class is amazing. All of the senseis are encouraging and passionate about what they do, all of the girls are fierce and friendly, and there is a real sense of community and belonging with none of that side of cattiness that so often follows groups of women around. There's just something really special about spending an hour throwing and pinning other girls with ferocity and then finishing up hugging each other and being glad you'll get to see them again in a week and sad that it's not more often.
Monday, March 4, 2013
What are we so afraid of?
I've been trying to wrap my mind around this post for awhile now. I don't really know that I have any answers but maybe just subtle encouragement. I've had several conversations recently that have included the phrase, "I would love to but I'm scared of..." After getting my new tattoo, several friends "would love to get one but I'm scared of needles". My grandmother loves to travel but is afraid to fly. My mother wants to start a new career path but is afraid she's too old to start over. I've been in so many relationships over the years that were unhealthy and I knew it and I didn't leave when I should have because I was afraid of being alone.
In general, I have always been afraid of something. When I stand up to sing at an audition, my legs shake and I choke on the notes before they get out of my throat. When I dropped out of college because the stress of my divorce and my father's drug addiction was too much to handle, I wrote it off as something I would just never get to finish. I have settled for less than I deserved because I was afraid I would never find anything better.
I am tired of being afraid. Yes, I'll be thirty this year, so what? Yes, between undergrad and grad school, I will be in school until I'm 35, but I'll be able to pursue the career I actually want. Yes, I lost the only person I've trusted with my heart in the past decade last year but I have wonderful friends I never would have met because of it. I live alone but that just means there is no one around that I have to clean up after or cook for other than myself. I have made many changes over the past few years. I wanted to take dance lessons, cooking classes, archery, judo, join a gym, go back to school, move to Chicago, get a tattoo, run in a 5k. I was scared that people would laugh at me, that I wouldn't have any friends, that it would hurt, that I would fail. But I did it and I succeeded, I have friends, I want more.
So here is my message to you. Stop procrastinating, stop dating people just because they pay attention to you, stop selling yourself short, stop being afraid of being alone and learn to enjoy your silence. Pursue the career you want, participate in the activities you have always wanted to try, take the leap, don't be ruled by your fears. You deserve to achieve your goals, you deserve to be loved as much as you love others, you deserve to be a priority, and you deserve to be treated well especially by yourself.
And sometimes, just sometimes, you deserve a cookie. :)
In general, I have always been afraid of something. When I stand up to sing at an audition, my legs shake and I choke on the notes before they get out of my throat. When I dropped out of college because the stress of my divorce and my father's drug addiction was too much to handle, I wrote it off as something I would just never get to finish. I have settled for less than I deserved because I was afraid I would never find anything better.
I am tired of being afraid. Yes, I'll be thirty this year, so what? Yes, between undergrad and grad school, I will be in school until I'm 35, but I'll be able to pursue the career I actually want. Yes, I lost the only person I've trusted with my heart in the past decade last year but I have wonderful friends I never would have met because of it. I live alone but that just means there is no one around that I have to clean up after or cook for other than myself. I have made many changes over the past few years. I wanted to take dance lessons, cooking classes, archery, judo, join a gym, go back to school, move to Chicago, get a tattoo, run in a 5k. I was scared that people would laugh at me, that I wouldn't have any friends, that it would hurt, that I would fail. But I did it and I succeeded, I have friends, I want more.
So here is my message to you. Stop procrastinating, stop dating people just because they pay attention to you, stop selling yourself short, stop being afraid of being alone and learn to enjoy your silence. Pursue the career you want, participate in the activities you have always wanted to try, take the leap, don't be ruled by your fears. You deserve to achieve your goals, you deserve to be loved as much as you love others, you deserve to be a priority, and you deserve to be treated well especially by yourself.
And sometimes, just sometimes, you deserve a cookie. :)
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