It may seem surprising that someone who blogs for the whole world to read to admit that they have difficulty with vulnerability but I do. Blogging often seems like the safest way to talk about my difficulties, typically less than 50 people read one of my posts and they almost never comment so I don't have to read in someone's face that they find my troubles annoying. I spent a great deal of the past year being criticized by my supervisor for "not being vulnerable enough" but then having any problems I did talk about used against me. I often see my vulnerabilities as weaknesses and reasons for the people I care about to leave me even though I have no evidence proving that this is the case.
I think that people will judge my taste in music and my love of rom-coms. I read the same books over and over again because I find comfort in them but I worry that they're too childish for my intellect. I love to sing more than anything in the world but almost none of my friends have heard me do so. When I wear super femme clothing, I worry that my queer community will be disappointed in me. When I wear super butch clothing, I think my family will judge me. I believe that if I tell a partner what I want from them that they will think I'm too needy. I fear that no one will ever take me seriously and respect me in the workplace. I am scared to let people too close because I do not want to be hurt again. I never feel that I am worthy of the good people in my life and I constantly feel like a fraud.
I don't really know what my point is with all of this and I know it's a long road for me to take down all of the walls I've put up for my own protection. I am grateful to have a couple of people that I am able to share those vulnerable and intimate moments with. I am more grateful to the ones that always call me out when they see me hiding. I'm trying to see myself the way they do.
