what matters most

It's been a stressful couple of weeks around here. With my grandfather's funeral, traveling back and forth between Champaign and Chicago, midterms, and way too much work, homework, and emotional mess, I literally had a meltdown on Monday night. I came home from work, sat down at my kitchen table and sobbed. So I took some mental health time off from work and classes. I had to sit down and remind myself that, when life is hard, there are some things that just matter more.

Quality time with my mom.
Having supportive people in your life.
Good food and better wine.
Laughing.
Hugs.
Quiet time to decompress. 
Getting out of the house.
Taking the time to have feelings.
Switching to decaf for a few days.
Sleep.
Having that one person that always comes through.

In memoriam

Saturday, my grandfather passed away due to complications from pneumonia and stage four cancer. He was born Billy Gene Matthews in 1933 but, due to a clerical error on his birth certificate, we knew him as Billie Jean Matthis. My grandfather wasn't what you could call a great man. No one would ever talk about his father but we know that he was a cruel human being and who knows what unspeakable horrors his children lived through. My grandfather was a tortured man who never was able to face his past. He was stationed in Japan with the air force and was medically discharged before meeting my grandmother and marrying her on June 28th, 1958. They met at the USO and shared a mutual love of dancing. Together, they had six children: Chris, Debbie (my mother), Jeff, Craig, Dawn, and Jodi. They have seventeen grandchildren and three great-grandchildren. I had a complicated relationship with my grandfather as a child, due to his struggles with alcoholism, bigotry, and verbal abuse but I also learned a great deal from him. After having a massive stroke fifteen years ago and losing a great deal of his previous self, many of us were finally able to have a relationship with a kind and loving man and to catch a glimpse of the person my grandfather could have been. He gave me my love of dancing, poetry, Greek mythology, old movies, peach pie, coconut cake, and the beauty of Japan and the Japanese language. He also gave me my appreciation of a well-dressed man and the importance of a really great hat. He will be missed but I am glad he will finally have some kind of peace. May his spirit soar in a way it never could on earth.

In the words of Irving Berlin, from a movie my grandfather and I watched quite often together:

Sayonara, Japanese goodbye
Whisper sayonara lover don't you cry
No more we stop to see pretty cherry blossom
No more we 'neath the tree looking at the sky
Sayonara, sayonara
Goodbye 

Random Facts on Valentine's Day

Every year I'm single, the one thing I miss more than anything is having someone give me flowers on Valentine's Day.

I just purchased my first out-of-state big con pass (DragonCon!) and I finally feel like a valid nerd.

I have never ordered room service or flown first class and I feel like I'm missing out on a crucial life experience.

I believe so much in karma and the balance of the universe that really great days scare me a little because I'm afraid I'm being rewarded before the universe piles a whole bunch of shit on me.

My favorite chocolates are Fannie May milk chocolate vanilla buttercreams.

I am mildly obsessed with James Marsters. I have his autograph, went to one of his concerts, and even got my picture taken with him. 

I could easily eat several pounds of brussel sprouts a week.

Tequila is my happy booze. 

I know way more about pregnancy than any single non-pregnant woman should.

I am slower than molasses but I really love Chicago races. 

I can't get enough cooking classes.

I like college much better my second time around.

Things I Love Thursday

a united summer court - It's been an interesting couple of winter months for our lovely little Changeling game. Despite all of the drama and conflict making tempers high and creatures twitchy, our Summer Court has never been able to work together so well. So, yay? :)

no surgery - I finally got around to calling my doctor back to discuss my horrible pre-Christmas medical procedures and what that meant going forward. Fortunately, she told me that I have no reason to go ahead with surgery right now and we're just going to keep monitoring the situation and leave it for a better time.

school credits - Did you know that you get a whole lot of tax money for going to school? Because I totally didn't until entering my 1089 last week and watching my refund almost quadruple. I have never been so happy to realize I can pay off a significant chunk of bills.

two valentines - Because they're great and know that I find this holiday horrible and depressing, I have been invited to dinner with my dear friends, Brian and Rachel. It's nice to know that I won't be at home stuffing my face with oreos and feeling sorry for myself.

baby Des - I spent a lovely afternoon with my favorite new parents and sweet baby Des. It was so good to catch up with Elise and Dann and snuggle such a beautiful little boy.

Lego Marvel - Just got it and I really don't know which superhero I like playing the most. (I'm lying it's totally The Hulk)

new jigsaws - I know this makes me an extreme kind of dork but I am super excited about the two brand new 1000-piece jigsaw puzzles that I got this week and I can't wait to get them started.

bad karma, death, and melatonin - Sometimes my therapist and I have sessions where we talk about really depressing things. Oddly, it always makes me feel better.