I'm not here to make friends

I really hate that phrase. To start off with, I have to admit that I watch an insanely large amount of reality television: The Voice, Masterchef, Hell's Kitchen, America's Next Top Model...I really love them. However, every time a person steps foot on a reality TV show and announces that they're not there to make friends, I cringe. Every person who says this will, at some point in the competition, cause unnecessary drama. What is it about simple competition that brings out the worst in people? How have we managed to teach the younger generations that being competitive is the same as being an asshole? One of the places I have seen this the most often in my own life is in the audition/callback room at the theatre. It occurs quite often that someone who is one of your best friends or even relatives will turn nasty at the sight of your face auditioning for the same part as they are. The second most common occurrence is as friends sit around the table playing a game. I've literally seen people scream and get mean with people they love over Apples to Apples or even charades. Personally, I've never understood the cutthroat nature of competition. As far as I know, there is no rule that says that you cannot be kind to others while simultaneously trying to kick their ass. In fact most competitive opportunities are supposed to be fun or something that you love. If you're stepping onto the set of Masterchef, it is because you have great passion and love for cooking. When you sit down to play Settlers of Catan, it's supposed to be a GAME. Seriously, folks, stop the hate and enjoy your life. Have fun, work hard, play intensely, and encourage everyone around you to do the same.

Things I Love Thursday

Great classmates - I am so glad Kristen is in my psych class again this quarter. She was one of my favorite people in my intro class in the fall and it has really been enjoyable getting to know her and have someone to eat lunch and chat with.

Aaron - This weekend was rather miserable due to a particularly vicious 36-hour migraine. Aaron wins my friend of the week award for bringing aleve and a back rub with him on Sunday night. 

Long weekends - Luckily it was a 3-day weekend because, if it hadn't been, I wouldn't have had time to get through all of the work I needed to get done. I was very grateful to not only be able to sleep until 1:30 in the afternoon but also to have the entire rest of the day to clean, do homework, and watch Buffy.

Sarah is home - My dear friend, Sarah, is back from her trip to Japan. I got to spend a lovely evening with her and Ivy and more Thai food than we could possibly eat. We had some fantastic iced green tea, a great snuggle putting Ivy to bed, and I'm fairly certain she raided the cutest stationary store in all of Japan to bring me back presents. It's so nice to have her home.

Matcha Kit Kats - She also brought back matcha Kit Kats. You can only buy them in Kyoto and they are absolutely the best candy in the world. So generous of her to share them because I would have eaten the whole bag on the plane home.

Much Ado - Last night my professor, who knows that most of us are huge Whedon fans just like him, put the Much Ado About Nothing trailer up on the projector before class. I am so very excited to get out and see it soon. I'm not normally a fan of modernized Shakespeare but this looks so amazing.

Being a bad ass - Our facilities manager returned from maternity leave this week. While we were catching up and looking at pictures of her brand new daughter, she happened to notice my tattoo and ask me about it. I explained the current tattoo and my plans for a new one on my birthday. As she left the break room she said, "That's super cool. You're a total bad ass." :)

Winning the day - This afternoon, I met with my boss about my performance review again. Explaining that I was disappointed with it and that, even though my job has changed significantly since I started, the fact that I'm still pretty much bottom rung as far as university positions. We discussed what ways my position could be improved and what I would ideally like to be doing. He has promised me to start the campaign for a position upgrade and is going to fight alongside me to get the better position that I deserve. Four years of hard work have finally started to pay off. It will be a battle and there will be plenty of red tape to wade through but it's finally getting started.

making small talk

I am awkward as fuck in social situations. It takes a long time for me to be comfortable enough with someone to have an honest conversation about my views and opinions and, if I am in a room full of people I don't know particularly well, I tend to be quiet and reserved and sit in the corner waiting for someone to come to me. This comes from some weird little voice in the back of my head that is constantly telling me that I am not good enough and that, if I attempt to engage another person in conversation, that I will be made fun of or rejected. Over the past year or two, this has gotten progressively better. I finally came to the conclusion that I love who I am, other people genuinely like who I am as I am, and, if they don't, then they weren't really worth my time to begin with. However, this has been almost 30 years in the making and my initial interactions with people were so painfully uncomfortable that I'm lucky that I have a good many people that I can call genuine friends. So, for my fellow sufferers of social anxiety, low self-esteem, and generally unpopular folks, here are a few tips that can make your social interactions less stressful and more likely to end in success.

1. Know your favorites. These are the most basic of questions when getting to know someone new but you would be surprised by how many people don't have an answer to something so simple. What is your favorite book? movie? food? Don't just give one word answers either, be able to talk about it in length.

2. Have an opinion. It's okay to tell people how you feel. If it's something simple like, "what do you want to order in?" or something a bit meatier like, "what are your views on gay rights?" Be honest and confident but...

3. Respect other people's beliefs and opinions. Be open to discussion without attacking other people who don't agree with you. People can disagree and debate without slinging mud.

4. On that note, be nice. If you start name calling or being disrespectful or being obnoxiously loud about your opinion, it is unlikely that anyone is going to want to give you a second chance.

5. Be vocal. Trust me, sitting in the corner, being mousy and afraid to speak up will quickly turn you into the invisible girl. No one wants to try that hard to get to know someone.

6. Don't forget to listen. It's also incredibly irritating to be the person who never shuts up. Remember to take a breath and really hear what the other person has to say.

7. Don't undersell yourself. If you go into a social situation believing that everything you do and like is stupid and that you will be rejected, it is more likely that you will have a self-fulfilling prophecy and no one else will like you either.

8. But don't be cocky. An ounce of humility goes a long way toward being a likable human being.

9. Make eye contact. It's really uncomfortable when someone can't look at you when you're having a conversation with them.

10. Know your passion. The question that started to turn my life around in uncomfortable social situations was asked by someone who I now consider to be one of my dearest friends. The second time I ever met Amelia, she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "What are you passionate about?" I have never jumped into a conversation with a near stranger with such vigor before. When you know what you're passionate about and are given the opportunity to open up about it with someone who is genuinely interested, you will shine in ways you never knew were possible.

Now go, my fellow geeks and anxiety-stricken muppets, and make new friends!

Things I Love Thursday

Evil - More importantly, the psychology of evil. I started my Saturday class last weekend. The teacher is great and one of my favorite fellow students from my intro psych class was sitting two seats away. The reading is going to be fascinating, the homework isn't going to be too strenuous, and I'm glad it's a class that's worth spending 7 hours cooped up indoors on a Saturday for.

Study dates - On Sunday, my dear friend, Elise, had a brief she needed to work on. She invited me to bring some homework along and spend the afternoon huddled up in a fantastic coffee shop in Wicker Park called Filter. The tea and the lemon bars were perfect and the company was divine. We may have done a little more chatting than we intended and may have gotten a bit less work done than we would have on our own but it was a perfect afternoon. 

Sushi on the floor - Monday night was spent with Tim and Ivy. Sarah is in Japan for the week and I had planned on keeping them company for the evening. Ivy spent a large part of the evening proudly showing off her awesome new walking skills and around 8 we all sat in the middle of the living room floor with large quantities of vegetable maki. Ivy intently devoured many pieces of avocado and sat in my lap feeding me clumps of rice off of her plate. I am always incredibly grateful that I get to be included in their fantastic family.

Long distance phone calls - While we were stuffing our faces with as much sushi as we could eat, Sarah called home to check in. I got to talk to my dear friend while she was in my favorite city in the world (Tokyo) and it was great to hear her voice from so far away.

Much needed text messages - I have a few friends that I don't keep in contact quite as often as I should. I get busy and mentally drained and just kind of don't make the extra effort even though I think of them often. Sunday night, as I sat in my apartment thinking about how I should really get a hold of Aaron because it had been much too long since we'd talked, I got a text message from him. We sat and chatted via text for the next half hour or so while he was at work and I was making salads for lunch this week and made tentative plans to hang out. It was definitely needed.

Season finales - Doctor Who and Once Upon a Time seriously killed it. I have no idea how I'm going to make it until they start up again.

My grandma - Sunday night grandma got taken to the ER with her blood sugar at a ridiculous 490. Luckily, by the time she went home, it was way down and she's feeling a lot better. She's agreed to try and work on her diet and her routine a little better and I'm just glad she's alright. I really don't know what I would do without my weekly chats with gram. 

Fighting the system - So last week's performance review was disappointing. When I received the copy that I was supposed to sign, my boss had made no changes from last year and I felt very disheartened. Instead of signing off and resigning myself to my fate, however, I sent him an email giving him a piece of my mind (in the most professional way possible) and telling him that I did not feel comfortable signing off on my performance review because I did not feel that it actually reflected my work and dedication to the office. We have a meeting to talk about it when he gets back from vacation next week so we'll see. At least I said something.

when I grow up

Working in a university, I am often surrounded by people in their late teens/early 20s who don't know what they want to be when they grow up. More personally, I have friends and family who still don't know what they want to be when they grow up even in their late 20s, 30s, even 50s. It took a long time for me to make that decision. The problem is that most people spend way too much time worrying about their job and they think that their occupation is what defines them. Here is the thing, when you die, no one is going to care about how much money you made or whether you got that big promotion at work. The only thing people remember are the changes you make in the world. Do what you love. Make good changes in the world and the people around you. Donate to a good charity, volunteer for a good cause, refuse to hold a grudge, treat your friends with respect and appreciation, be honest, contribute something that makes the world a more beautiful place, never be afraid to follow your dreams no matter how insane others may think they are, react to the world with compassion and understanding, spread kindness, do not compromise your values for the sake of someone else. Most importantly, love with your whole heart no matter how many times you've been wrong. We all die alone but we can at least take a little piece of the one's we love with us and hope that they carry us with them always. I leave you with two things: a video that will show you exactly what I mean and a poem that speaks better than I ever could (thanks, Barry). 

you may want a tissue

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story. 

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

Things I Love Thursday

Class group geek out - So my psych lecture didn't start until about 15 minutes into class last night. Why? Because we were having a group discussion about our geeky love of comic book movies, Doctor Who, and Joss Whedon. When my teacher announced to everyone that "Buffy the Vampire Slayer is the best TV show of all time", I literally clapped for him.

Survival - Dear friends who drive cars: please watch for motorcycles, bikes, and mopeds. Dear friends who ride motorcycles, bikes, and mopeds: please wear a helmet. My sister's boyfriend was in a motorcycle accident Tuesday night because a car pulled out in front of him. He now has a broken tibia but, considering that he wasn't wearing a helmet, it could have been much worse. I am extremely grateful that Zack is going to be okay.

Puppies - Last Saturday, I headed out to Fithian to visit my aunt's puppies. She breeds English Cream Retrievers and four out of the six of them are on their way to their forever homes over the next two weeks. They are sweet and snuggly and everything a puppy should be. I already can't wait for the next batch.

Next to Normal - This show is the main reason I made a 36-hour trip home last weekend. Before auditioning, my aunt was nervous and convinced that, despite the fact that she is by far the most talented singer in her age range in town, she wouldn't be cast because she is a little overweight. As I predicted, she of course got the lead. I had never seen the show or even heard any of the music so I went in with a fresh view. I was blown away. The cast was brilliant, strong voices and incredible acting. Everything from the plot to the lyrics, the blocking, the lighting, and a certain pair of spiderman underwear made this one of the best show I have seen in a long time. (getting to see a boat load of theatre friends was a bonus)

Uber amounts of family time - Last weekend was much needed. I spent tons of time with my sister and my mom, did dinner and a show with my cousin Katie, got to hug my daddy, and even saw a ton of extended family that I almost never see at Kathy's retirement party. The best part, though, was sitting at Crane Alley with Marianne, Jodi, Mark, Alysia, Caitlyn, Matt, Seth, David, and mom drinking cocktails and just enjoying some serious family love.

Mother's day - Sunday was just me and mom. We made an early drive into the city, had a super tasty brunch at Terzo Piano, meandered down Michigan Avenue, did some shopping at Water Tower Place, and headed home for much needed naps. After all of that, my mom was kind enough to drive me to Whole Foods and help me pick out my veggies and grains for the week.

Drinks with the BFF - Friday night as soon as I got home and finished dinner, I headed out to Esquire for drinks with Chris. It was really nice to be back at our bar, catching up, and being able to talk completely openly to the one person I know will never judge me.

Fiesta Cafe - As soon as we got home from Chicago Friday night, mom and I headed for Fiesta Cafe. We drank the best margaritas of all time and I had a huge and fabulous steak burrito. It's one of those places I miss when I'm not back home.

Poached eggs - Saturday morning mom and I made breakfast. Poached eggs are my mom's all time favorites so I showed her my newly learned cooking techniques. My mom has now pronounced me the master of poached eggs and refuses to eat them cooked by anyone else.

Meeting the mother - Oh, HIMYM, we have all been waiting so very patiently and you have finally rewarded us with a brief glimpse of the absolutely gorgeous mother that we have all been dying to meet. However, I am much more interested in Barney and Robin's wedding, get on with it already. 

Being fully prepared - Tomorrow is my yearly performance review. Quite often I am incredibly busy and underprepared when I head in to meet with Steve. This time, however, I am ready. I am going in there tomorrow and proving that I am a valuable asset in this office and really hoping to come out with more than just a maybe about a promotion.

summer dread

Usually, around this time of year, I am insanely happy despite being extremely stressed out at work. The weather is getting warmer, the sun stays out longer, and there are so many amazing things to look forward to in the city during the summer. This year I'm kind of dreading the next two months. It's been a difficult year and there are a good many dates in June and July I would really just love to skip.

June 12th: Three years ago, I had dinner at Bar on Buena and went down to Grant Park for Blues Fest with a guy I had only met a couple of times. We sat on the peninsula next to the planetarium admiring the skyline and talking about anything and everything: how we grew up on Nick at Nite, the absolute perfection of the oreo cookie, and how brunch was the best meal of the day. As we started to meander back toward the train, fireworks celebrating the Blackhawks recent Stanley Cup when started over at Navy Pier. We had our first kiss there under the fireworks underneath the skyline I have been in love with my whole life. It was the best first date I have ever had in my life. Over the ensuing weeks, months, and years, I found happiness that I had never experienced and a depth of loss that I wouldn't wish on my greatest enemy. I would run from the bus to his apartment because I was so excited to spend time with him, I found trust and hope and I would have followed him anywhere for the rest of my life, and I still have nights where I cannot sleep because he is gone. I miss my best friend and the only true equal partner I ever had and anniversaries, no matter how trivial, don't make it any easier.

June 17th: Also three years ago, on a Thursday morning, my cousin shot himself in the head. The truth is, I was never sad about it, just angry. And I still am. When I see his smile on his son's face or the emptiness behind his parents smiles, I don't get sentimental or weepy, I get angry that he's not here to make them better.

June 28th: This year my grandparents will celebrate their 55th wedding anniversary which unfortunately means that, on that day, I will not celebrate my 10th wedding anniversary. I am so very over that relationship. I was a child that was lost and I am a way stronger person than I was then but I also haven't really gotten any better at judging my relationships since then and that...hurts.

July 20th: I will turn 30. I have huge plans with my cousins: a 5k, skydiving, tattoos, good food, but I'm not looking forward to it as much as I should be. Now don't get me wrong, I am not inherently terrified of the actual process of turning 30. You couldn't pay me to go back to 20 or even 25. The problem is that I am not anywhere near where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I haven't finished a degree, I don't have a fulfilling career, I have no relationship, and no family of my own. I've accomplished so much over the past four years but I miss that human connection. I miss being able to trust people and I miss having emotions that are anything deeper than surface stuff. And I'm terrified of spending the rest of my life with no partner. I love my friends and my family and my pets but there's always something missing and it makes everything else feel half as great as it should. I know that he's not coming back and I am suffocating under the loss of something so much more than love. And I just can't find the ability to trust anyone else to try again. 

All I can hope is that I make it through to the other end of summer.

Things I Love Thursday

First sunburn of the year - The weather was beautiful this past weekend and, while I feel a little stupid for forgetting the sunscreen and I don't really enjoy being sunburned, I love that it is was warm and sunny enough to give me one.

Finishing - Sunday was the Cinco de Miler, a five mile race followed by mariachi bands, breakfast burritos, chips and salsa, churros, and beer. I have never run more than a 5K in my entire life and I was understandably terrified that I would not be able to make it to the end. However, in an even faster time than I thought possible, I finished, I was not last, and I stuffed my face with tasty food while sitting on the grass in Montrose Harbor at 11:30 in the morning. It was incredible. Special props to Ram Racing for having the quickest race packet pick up I have ever attended. 

Healthy eating - I've been on a kick lately. Being bored with my heavy starchy diet and eating the same thing day after day, I've been researching new recipes and buying more fruits and vegetables to bring along to work during the day. I haven't gone completely vegetarian but I've cleaned up my diet a lot and it feels good.

The stain book - There is not enough laughter in the world for the ridiculous descriptions in this book. It is especially hilarious to listen to Dann read it out loud while I snuggle on the couch with Elise, Stella, and Miss Roxy. 

The best derby in town - Which is the Roller Derby. Saturday evening I headed to the UIC Pavilion with Elise, Carolyn, Cori, and Steph. We ate stadium food, got friendly with the small children in the row in front of us, and screamed our heads off for the Fury. I definitely have a new sport that I love to watch.

Friends that have your back - This weeks special nod goes to Elise. On the train ride home Saturday night she gave me a huge motivational speech on how amazing it was that I managed to balance all of my activities (working full time, two college courses every quarter, homework, running, judo, archery, taking care of my animals, and maintaining a social life) without losing my job or getting below a B in a class. It never really occurred to me that I was doing anything above and beyond normal and I appreciated being told how great I was. She also stood up for me this week in a way that no one has in the past eight months and I have never been so grateful for such an amazing and beautiful friend.

be your own hero

http://www.upworthy.com/somebody-looked-at-this-and-thought-it-was-ok-to-sell-what-on-earth-were-they-thinking-2

We'll call that my jumping off point. I saw this a couple of weeks back and wish I could say I was surprised that sexism is still rampant in this current age. But I'm just not. It comes in all shapes and forms and even the "nicest of guys" have their own medieval ideas about women. In it's basic, most innocent of forms is the "white knight". I cannot tell you how many guys I know that are always trying to save the women around them. Save them from a bad relationship, a crappy work situation, a disagreement with their mother, their own current bout of apathy or depression, their fears and inhibitions, and most importantly from themselves. Dearest of well-meaning gentlemen in the world, for the sake of my entire gender, please stop. 
I don't need to be rescued. When I was in a horrible relationship, it didn't matter what my friends and family and everyone around had to say about it, I left when I had learned what I needed to learn and I was ready to leave. Yes, my job situation is not currently ideal but they're flexible with my class schedule and my coworkers are all pleasant people so it works for now, I'll leave when it works best for me to do so. Yes, I suffer from severe depression and anxiety and a current case of occasionally debilitating heartbreak. Yes, sometimes I will stay in the house all weekend and only leave to walk the dog. All that means is that I know myself and sometimes I need to take that time to recharge and let the medications and sleep do their work. I don't need anyone to force me out of my comfort zone or support me so I can quit my job and find a new one or to tell me I deserve better. You have got to let people learn from their mistakes and take care of themselves.
And ladies, be your own hero. Find solutions to your own problems and learn to ask for help when you do need it. Most importantly, remember that the only life you have control over is your own. There are lots of silly cliches along the lines of "what goes around comes around" but that is not always the case. Sometimes you will work your ass off for years and never get any recognition. You can treat everyone around you with respect and a smile on your face and some of them will still talk about you behind your back. You can live your life doing your best to never intentionally hurt another person and being a good person and bad things will still happen to you. And you can love someone with everything that you have, they can be everything you ever wanted in a partner, you can take care of them, you can make sacrifices for them, you can look past their faults and appreciate their good qualities, and everything can look perfect on paper but you cannot make them love you back. Whether they are too scared to make the effort or just simply unwilling to give themselves back to you, there is nothing you can do to change that. Live your own life. Do the activities that make you happy, live with integrity, treat people the way you would like to be treated, and do not allow yourself to wait around for someone else to save you. Make good things happen for you and not for anyone else's benefit.

Things I Love Thursday

Art that makes you feel something - There has been a lot of art in my life over the past week: David's first solo art show, a trip to the art museum, beautiful artistic music videos. I am every grateful for the amazing talent that surrounds me every day. Most importantly I love when I can find the perfect piece of art, whether it be a video, painting, photograph, piece of music, or any artistic endeavor, that makes me feel something. It's what has always inspired me in my own forays into the arts.

Friends who know when you've had enough - And they take you out for drinks to cheer you up. This week's special award goes to Sumner. Friday night could have been much worse without him by my side.

First 5K of the season - Saturday night was the Rave Run and my first 5K of the year. It was not a good race. My time was slow, my shin splints were a bitch, the path was in bad need of repair, the race was disorganized but I had fantastic company and a gorgeous view of the skyline which made up for any cranky feelings I had about the race itself.

Roomie reunions - Speaking of good running company. I was extremely blessed to meet up with my dear friend, Maggie. Without her, I would have never been able to move to the city because she put me up on her couch for two whole months while I apartment searched. When my shin splints kicked in and I realized I wasn't going to be able to keep up with Christina and Carolyn, I slowed down and ran with Maggie, Linda, and Pam. I caught up with a dear friend and felt incredibly encouraged even though I couldn't run as fast as I had hoped to.

Ladies Day Out - Sunday was our fabulous Ladies Day Out. Elise, Carolyn, Cori, Amelia, and I met up at Terzo Piano to try out their new brunch menu and then Elise, Carolyn, and I spent a few hours wandering through the art museum checking out the Picasso exhibit and the impressionists. It was a lovely day of womanly bonding and I never get tired of spending time with the amazing women I've met over the past few years.

Geeking out with my psych professor about our ink - So I've been noticing my professor's tattoos for weeks and last night my curiosity finally got the better of me. I stayed a little bit after class talking geeky tattoos and how addictive they are. I'm pretty sure when this class is over that my prof and I are going to be good friends.

Taking a personal day - My apartment has been having power problems and I had a midterm to study for and several days of horrible sleep under my belt. So yesterday, when I woke up more tired than when I went to sleep, I decided my best bet was to take a personal day. I got some extra sleep, did some housework, and spent the entire afternoon in the Chicago campus library with a packed lunch, my computer, and my psych notes. It was peaceful and productive and exactly how I needed to spend the day.