when to walk away (part 2)

 As promised, here is the follow-up to my last post. The pandemic has made it very clear to me which relationships matter most but it also gave me a very clear picture of how I choose to spend my time. Which activities did I miss the most? What work was I able to find purpose in? How will I find joy in the way I spend my time moving forward? 

Some of those answers have been easy to find. I desperately missed being physically active. I hated not being able to go see new movies at the movie theatre. I missed long brunches and our big group dinners at Quartino's. I didn't really miss large social gatherings but I did miss small gatherings of select friends. I didn't miss driving ALL THE TIME but I missed traveling. I didn't really miss LARPs but I missed game nights, table top, and camping. 

However, some of my answers were only found after a lot of kicking and screaming and large doses of denial. The one thing that became more and more glaringly obvious was that I was not enjoying the work I was doing. I have been straight up miserable for the past year. I kept trying to tell myself it was because I was going to school during a pandemic. I had really hoped that once I was vaccinated and able to see the people I loved again that I would find some inner peace and be able to focus and produce more efficiently. None of those things were true. The truth is that my PhD program is not a good fit and all of the things I would have to do to get a professor position and gain tenure are things that take away from how I really want to focus my energies in my career. When I left my job as a therapist in Chicago, one of the huge things I was seeking was a better work-life balance and, over the past year, all I have been doing is work and it has been killing me. 

The big reveal is still so hard for me to talk about. Even though there is no doubt in my mind that I've made the right decision for me, it still feels like a failure to admit it to the world. Before the semester began, I withdrew from my PhD program. By the end of this week, I will be starting back with extra help at the university while I plan my next moves (along with my several side hustles with the church, my aunt, and my sister).  There is a very high likelihood that that will mean moving back to the Chicago area once I've found a good fitting job. It is highly unlikely I will be living directly in the city because Max and I need space and quiet that we just can't find there. I will be looking for jobs where I have more focus on individual students: academic advising, counseling, etc. I will very likely continue my research and writing on my own terms and I will probably still apply to present at conferences once I've landed on a bit more solid ground. And hopefully I'll be able to find a meaningful life somewhere in there where I get to do work that matters and still have time to do activities that replenish my spirt and spend time with the people I love the most.