adaptation

Why do we change ourselves for others?

I've never been one to care much about what people thought about me. I refuse to hide my tattoos or my undercut. I enjoy dying my hair unnatural colors whenever the mood strikes me. I don't think that wearing makeup or less comfortable shoes makes me any more professional or better at my job. I'm very open about my polyam and queer identities. I am very passionate, I am loyal to a fault, I love with my whole being. I won't keep my mouth shut when something is important to me and I've been known to literally hulk out (minus the turning green part) when faced with injustice and bigotry. I am wholeheartedly dedicated to being my authentic self at all times. This hasn't always ingratiated me in professional and educational settings. On occasion, I even think that my overexuberance about things I'm passionate about can make my friends and family embarrassed of me or even put off. People think I don't see it, but I notice more than I let on. It has always been a point of pride with me that I refuse to change who I am on behalf of other people's discomfort, no matter how much it can hurt my feelings at times. And to be completely honest, I sometimes find myself disappointed in friends who I believe have a strong sense of self but immediately dim their shine to make their family members or coworkers more comfortable. 

Oddly, enough this entire philosophy seems to get thrown immediately out the window when I've found myself in more intimate relationships. I find it difficult to confront the people I love when they've hurt me. It is damn near impossible for me to make my own needs known. I have never once used a safe word. I struggle setting boundaries and saying no. There are only a handful of people I feel comfortable being completely vulnerable with in person. The most important and dearest dreams I had, I only shared with people that proved my trust in them wrong. And now I don't trust my instincts enough to trust the right people and I don't trust myself enough not to adapt who I am out of fear of losing someone.

I don't know how we keep ourselves from maladapting in this way. My current solution has been to pull the walls in tighter. These days, I keep the inner circle smaller. I don't date at all anymore and I don't think I ever will again. They might not be the best coping skills, but they're all I can trust now.