the lies your mind tells you

Let me tell you, the brain can make you believe some pretty ugly things about yourself. It tells you you're not pretty enough, not thin enough, not interesting enough. So when someone else tells you you don't work hard enough, you have to believe them because you've been telling yourself that for so long. And it gets even worse when you walk into a dressing room and stand in front of that awful full length mirror and try on endless articles of clothing that remind you just how much work you still have to do. By the time my mom and I left the mall yesterday, even though I'd walked out with two pairs of pants, a sweater dress, and a sweater, I pretty much wanted to walk into traffic. Here I am in the middle of the lowest low I have had in several years. While the physical symptoms of withdrawal are gone and the panic attacks and anxiety have gone way down, I still feel like I might as well be taking sugar pills for all of the good it's doing my depression. I have a boss that constantly treats me like an idiot, a liar, and incompetent even though I almost never get a lunch break, I've worked hundreds of hours of overtime I never got paid for, I have been covering work from several other positions that have either changed or disappeared without a promotion, and I am literally the only person who knows how to perform a great number of our office tasks. I am struggling through some really difficult weight issues and extreme loathing of my body and it's current capabilities or lack their of. I haven't spoken to my father since Labor Day weekend and I really don't know if I ever will again. It's been a horrid shit storm of a year and every time I tell myself "It can't get any worse", I get a new nightmare stacked on my plate. I'm exhausted and I'm angry. I can barely look at facebook these days because I see so many happy posts and I wonder if I will ever get a break from the awful. And still, through all of that, even though some of these problems would be big enough to shut down even the strongest of humans, I keep going. I clean the house, I walk the dog, I go to work and class and do homework and make dinner and pay the bills and owned the GRE and managed to complete three applications for grad school. Because no one else is going to do it. I'm tired and in desperate need of a win and still I'll get up at 5am and walk the dog and make coffee and eat breakfast and shower and go to work and do all of the things that have to be done because no one else is here to help and the truth is I wouldn't let them even if they offered. So the things that my mind tells me are lies, I just gave myself all of that proof that I'm no slacker. Even so, the next time I see myself in a mirror or am left alone with my thoughts too long, I still can't make myself believe that any of it really makes a difference and that I will always be not good enough.

the benefit of the doubt

My favorite bible verse has always been 1 Peter 4:8, "Above all let your love for one another be intense, for love covers a multitude of sins." I've always been a big fan of second changes and sometimes third and fourth ones too. A lot of people I know think I am a little too understanding and forgive too easily but I am a firm believer in the benefit of the doubt. I try every day to see the best in people and find their potential even when no one else can see it. People are so dreadfully flawed and so many of us are broken and struggling to find the tiniest glimmer of hope that we'll be able to put all of the pieces back together. It's such a beautifully human thing to fall short, to admit your flaws and failings, and to stand up and try again. When a person lashes out, it's so easy to assume that they're just not a nice enough person instead of that they're scared or pushing away because they've been hurt so many times before. When a person fails over and over again, it's so easy to assume that they're weaker than you or just not putting in the effort instead of realizing that sometimes fighting your inner demons takes all the strength you have and doesn't leave a lot left over for the purposes of the outside world. It's so easy to walk away when things get difficult and so very hard to stay and help someone fight their battles but I believe it's nearly always worth it. Even if things don't end ideally, there's always a lesson to learn and maybe that person will be strengthened going forward knowing that just that once someone was willing to put in the effort and share their burdens. Tonight, I completed all of the paperwork for my graduate school applications and even though I was already pantsless and it was cold outside, I managed to get up, put on my sweats, and walk to Walgreen's to pick up cat food. That might not seem like much to some but even a few weeks ago this would have seemed like an impossible task to accomplish and tonight, that is enough. Tomorrow there will be more hurdles to jump and steps forward to be made and yes, even steps back because the dance of life would be awfully dull without a little chacha. You never know what heaviness a person is carrying and how long they've been doing it all on their own.

how we talk about ourselves and how we talk to others

As I sat working on my resume for grad school aps this week, I discovered something that I've never been quite able to put into words before. While I have no problem talking about things that are normally stigmatized like mental illness or bodily functions (i.e., I am perfectly comfortable talking about what's going wrong with me), I am nearly incapable of talking about my accomplishments. This makes so many things so much more difficult than they should be: writing my personal statement, my resume, even personal relationships that tend to see only what's going wrong and never get to hear about what's going right. I surround myself with confident people that get up and say "I am awesome and let me tell you all of the reasons why..." Even better, they're willing to say to me, "You are awesome and let me tell you all of the reasons why..." I can't even begin to find that within myself. The truth is, though, I don't think it's all my fault, I think, quite often, the way others in my life (partners, friends, family, coworkers) have chosen to speak to me about any form of conflict has made it difficult for me to remember that I'm not always the problem. So I'm going to try here to remind myself about some of the things that make me extraordinary because I seem to need reminding.

• I am an incredibly loyal friend and I will drop anything if someone I love needs me
• I'm going to quote Amelia on this one but I am "the Katharine Hepburn of pie making"
• I may have gotten a D in Ballet in college but I will kick your ass on the dance floor when swing music comes on
• I haven't met a recipe I couldn't make and make well
• I may not have a lot of experience yet but I'm pretty damn awesome at judo and archery
• After 7 years of telling myself that I would never be able to afford to go back to school, I am about to graduate from a kick ass university and go to grad school
• I have been self-harm free for over a decade now
• I have single-handedly brought this entire office into the new millennium (sometimes dragging others kicking as screaming as I go)
• I may prefer to spend most of my free time in a tshirt and workout pants but I look damn sexy when I femme up (now who's going to be my date to see Deadpool on Vday?)
• I'm a really good supervisor, I never wanted to be the in charge person, but I can get things done and keep up morale when I have underlings
• I'm a pretty darn good actor and singer (one day I will make my voice over demo)
• I am a great listener, I always know when it's time to shut the fuck up and just hear what's being said

And the most important, I am enough. You are enough. We are all doing the best we can and don't ever let anyone tell you different. And do everyone else a favor and keep telling them that. As a recently said to a very dear friend, "Go to the mirror right now and tell yourself 'I am a wonderful human. I am loved. I am not my failures.'" And keep doing it until you believe it.

let's talk about stigma

"I am confused... So I don't take any medication, and in return I have evenings where I get moody and don't want to talk to people, get occasionally irrationally frustrated but cope, and find it harder to concentrate than most....
You have been heavily medicated, have regular panic attacks, sleeplessness, lethargy, low amounts of energy, and now are suffering similar withdrawal symptoms as a heroin addict... What am I missing out on?"

This is the conversation I was having at 1am one night this week. And they're not wrong. This past week has been one of the most physically and mentally awful experiences I have ever been through in my life and it's had me doing a lot of thinking about the way mental health professionals deal with their patients and how we as a society are so desperate for an easy fix that we will put ourselves through this awful process over and over again. How often does a psychiatrist just plug your data into the computer and tell you what it spits back out instead of really listening to what you're telling them? How many people would cope better from a good therapist instead of having heavy prescriptions that make you fat and miserable tossed at them with a reminder to come refill out your GIFTs every six months? And how many people have gone through these horrible night sweats, vomiting, numbness, tingling, heart racing awfulness over and over again just looking for the thing that will make them feel the least awful? And why aren't we talking about this more?
As I logged awful update after awful update, the one thing that became clear to me is that I am very much not alone in this experience but the stigma around talking about it in public is still very very real. Why are we so ashamed by our own brain chemistry? Why do we automatically assume it makes us weaker? There is nothing wrong with saying, "Hey, I'm a little short of spoons today, can I get some encouragement?" or delaying plans because you just can't handle doing anything else in public for the day or admitting that the horrible things you've experienced and seen have caused you mental trauma. By not talking about it, we are allowing it to become shameful and we need to share our stories if we can ever start to move forward.

Things I Love Thursday

I know, I know, I have been highly remiss in the blogging world. It's been a rough couple of months and I'm desperately in need of a good mental tidy and a full body hug. So, here's me trying to get myself on a better foot before the new school year starts up again.

online classes - I decided I really didn't want to be in class four nights a week this summer and opted to take an online phonetics course. This has been one of the best and most stress-relieving decisions I've made since I started back to school.

new boss - It's really too soon to know if it's going to be an excellent situation or a terrible one but this woman listens to my concerns, values my opinions, and respects me as a coworker and that is something I haven't had in a really long time.

chosen family - I've spent a great deal of my life feeling out of place and that I'd never really find that place with the people who just get you without explanation. But lo and behold, I have some of the most truly amazing humans in my life and they are capable of making me feel like I am more worthwhile than I have ever felt.

a day in the sun - I spent Saturday afternoon/evening out in Barrington with some of my dearest chosen family. We picked apples, oohed and aahed (at a safe distance) at huge paper wasp nests, fed goats, collected fresh eggs from chickens, wrestled in the grass, and ate incredible food, the kind that's good because the ingredients are top rate and excellently and simply prepared. The rest of the evening included copious amounts of cider and the best conversation while sitting under stars that you just can't see in the city. This is the kind of day that makes my soul sing.

pinterest - Pinterest is the wonderful place where foodies, crafters, and LARPers go to die and I find that 15 minutes pinning new things to my board, gives me great inspiration and is calming when I don't want to do anything that requires a lot of brain power.

HelloFresh - Okay, I'll admit, it's a little pricey and I don't do it every week but the recipes are pretty excellent and it's really been helping me stay on track with eating at home and packing my lunches. If I can get myself moving tonight, there will be sweet potato and black bean tacos.

a little bit of WoW - I've been WoW free for five years but boy oh boy if I didn't take advantage of that free week for returning players and get hooked all over again. When the school year starts into full swing again, I'll probably put it back on hold but it's really been a great way to keep myself occupied when I'm feeling particularly hermit-y.

my sergeant (that's right, somebody got a promotion) - Having him home for two glorious weeks at the beginning of the summer was fantastic and having him back in Germany again frankly sucks balls. But having a partner that can deal with all of that, communicates well, and stays motivated and motivates you, totally worth it.

Things I Love Thursday

Pedicures - Last Tuesday was ladies' night and I got the first pedicure I've had in well over six months, it really is one of the best feelings in the world.

Time off - I only went into the office two days last week during my Spring break for things that I absolutely had to be around for. No classes and most of the week off? Heaven.

Opening night at the Station - It's rare these days that I make it back for an opening night but since my train got in with plenty of time, I was able to see the wonderful opening of Mothers and Sons with three very fantastic people leading the small cast including my high school drama teacher. I always forget how lovely it is to walk in that building and see so many people who are genuinely glad to see you.

Puppies - My aunt's golden cream retrievers just had litter #2 and these six week old monsters are adorable and cuddly and perfect in every way. They are also all eight spoken for so maybe I'll get one next time. *fingers crossed*

Hair cuts - Though my usual stylist, my dearest Michael, was booked solid for weeks on end, my growing out hair was getting fluffy and horrible. Carly at Kane and Co. shaped my undergrowth into something that will grow out a little better and I feel so much better without the fluff.

Mom letting me take the lead on dinner - Seriously, my mom is the best home cook in America (stand aside all you Masterchef wannabes). So, when we had Grandma, Marianne, and Ken over for dinner Saturday night and mom let me be in charge of the main course of chicken pot pie (AND everyone loved it and cleaned their plates), it was kind of a big deal to me.

Facebook hiatus - I'm taking a general Facebook siesta. I still have messenger up on my phone so I can chat with the soldier and anyone else who may be trying to get a hold of me and doesn't have my email but I just needed to stop constantly looking at everyone's posts. I have a lot of personal stress in my life right now and scrolling through negativity and bigotry and mean-spirited posts was bringing me down quite a large amount. It's been two days and I already feel like I took a breath of fresh air.

The good kind of April Fools - I hate April Fool's jokes. The idea of having an entire day set aside where you lie to your friends and family about something that's usually serious is just not funny to me and probably not as funny as you think it is. Seriously, imagine being the couple that's silently struggling with infertility that sees 10 friends pop up on Facebook announcing "They're pregnant! j/k, happy April, lol". Not so funny. Anyway, yesterday, two dear friends announced that they got married which everyone thought was a joke. The joke was it was real and I'm super happy for Eric, Martha, and little Alba.

My gym - Though I'm not getting there as often as I want yet (new routines take some getting used to), I've got some great encouragement from the soldier and a wonderful place to lose the weight at.

Things I Love Thursday

It's been a frightfully stressful quarter and I have had little to no control over my emotions and most of my free time has been spent trying to catch up on sleep. Not good combinations. I'm feeling a little more cheerful this week despite the below freezing temps and I think it's time to remind myself that winter doesn't last forever.

Debt free - Mostly. With this year's tax refund, I paid off all of my credit cards and rejoined the gym since I can now afford it again. It was a huge sigh of relief and a great burden off of my shoulders.

Choir - No, it's not the strongest group of singers I've ever been a part of but they all try hard and the music is truly great stuff. It's a really wonderful thing do be making beautiful music again.

Good food and great company - While my social life hasn't been super the past couple of months, I've had some really great evenings with wonderful people. Fajita nights with Dan and Erin, wonderful homemade dinner and a night of babysitting and dog cuddling with the Tinchers, Quartino with great friends for Chicago Restaurant Week, fabulous pesto and good wine with my dearest Amelia, and truly tasty comfort food and stimulating conversation with the soldier's mom at Cafe Selmarie. Nights like this make me feel incredibly lucky.

Encouragement - That soldier is doing wonderful things for my self-esteem let me tell you. Compliments out the wazoo laced with tough love and constant encouragement. There's a reason we can stay on Skype for three hours.