Oh man, some days. Yesterday was even rougher than I thought it would be and I just couldn't find it in me to write a TILT. I know those are the days I'm supposed to fight through and do it anyway but there was just no drive to accomplish it. It was especially hard coming off of Wednesday when I was on such a major high. It was a good week for self-realization though.
Last night's lecture in Developmental Psych was on attachment styles. If you don't know what I'm talking about, check here for a good description <http://www.simplypsychology.org/mary-ainsworth.html>. Now I'm relatively certain I started life out as a securely attached child but, unusually, something changed and I am pretty much a perfect description of an insecure ambivalently attached adult right down to the somatization, high vagal nerve tone, constant fears that my friends and partners don't care about me as much as I care about them, positive feelings about others while always looking negatively at myself, anxiety, and depression. Not to mention the fact that ambivalent females tend to lean toward relationships with avoidant males. Starting to think some therapy sessions wouldn't go amiss, just so I can try to work out some of the issues that are likely destroying all of my relationships and making me miserable. I also made a major breakthrough in my "Invisible Girl Syndrome". I've had this problem since at least high school. Groups of friends would have a gathering and forget to invite me, people would run into me in the store like I wasn't there, the speaker at my high school graduation mentioned everyone in the class except for me (there were only 55 of us), every time I tried to speak up in a group I would get interrupted or ignored, and I've even been sat on on the bus. It's incredibly frustrating and depressing and anxiety-causing. I realized in class on Tuesday that I am no longer invisible. I am the popular girl. The girls compliment my clothes and my hair and want my phone number so we can grab drinks, the guys all want to talk to me, the teacher wants to hear my opinion. Random people on the street or in stores or restaurants talk to me. My friends don't forget about me for weeks on end and phone or email or text or make plans without my feeling like I'm the only one who ever initiates. I've started stating my opinion at work and in classes and in social settings and people listen and actually hear me. It's liberating.
No comments:
Post a Comment