The Dreaded Holiday

It's such a weird thing to look back one year and realize how much has changed. Things you never could have predicted then. Last Valentine's Day was a really great time for me. Things were going better than they had in longer than I can remember. While I was frustrated with my job situation, I had finally started trying to do something about it. I had started to brainstorm about how I could get back to school and finish my degree. I had finally stopped being nervous and told Michael that I loved him. He had asked me to move in and was about to put an offer on the condo that would be our home together. We were a week away from heading to Vegas for our first vacation together and probably the best Christmas present anyone could have gotten me since I hadn't been on a real vacation in about five years. For Valentine's Day, even though he was unsuccessful, Michael tried to get me a piano (someone was giving it away but he couldn't find enough people to move it). Even now, when I think about that, I tear up a little because it is absolutely the most loving thing anyone has tried to do for me. When I moved to the city, I had to sell my piano that I had had since childhood because there was no way I could afford to move it and I desperately miss playing the piano. So, since we were going to Vegas the next week, we decided to stay home for Valentine's day. I made lemon shrimp asparagus risotto with a fancy salad and some nice french bread followed up by some raspberry sorbet with mint and dark chocolate lacies. I felt so accomplished having cooked an entire difficult meal by myself and Michael bought me a bouquet of beautiful orange roses at the Jewel downstairs. We ate dinner and watched TV and it was probably the best Valentine's day I've ever had. If you had told me then that this Valentine's Day we would have broken up, he would be dating someone new, and we wouldn't even be talking, I never could have believed you. Something about that trip changed everything. I was nervous and out of my element the whole time, constantly worried about whether he was having a good time with me. We had our first fight in the year and a half we'd been together and, when we got home, everything was different. He started pulling away, kept wavering on whether or not I was moving in, and we started to arguing more regularly usually about nothing important. The truth is I still don't know what actually went wrong and why, out of the blue, he suddenly fell out of love with me. Maybe we just cracked under the pressure of our stressful lives, maybe he was terrified of following through with the commitment, maybe he never really loved me as much as I thought he did, I guess I'll never know. I've changed so much over the past five months, good changes. Learning to take it easier on myself and allow things to happen, being more comfortable when things don't happen exactly the way I had planned, letting go of my fears and insecurities, making my own friends, doing things I've always wanted to do and try. But the truth is that relationship was thing that always pushed me to be better, to try harder, to get on medications for my depression, to stop being mediocre and allow myself to be the best version of myself, and I feel so very lost and sad without my best friend and partner in crime. I don't see that it's really possible to find that kind of connection twice in a lifetime and that scares me more than I'd like. Tomorrow will be overwhelmingly hard but I'll get up, walk the dog, eat breakfast, pack my bag for the day, take a shower and get ready, go to work all day, go to class all night, and come home to spend some time with the girls before going to bed. No Valentine's Day will ever be quite the same without him though.