There is an adage that really annoys the crap out of me: "People don't change." I think it gives people an excuse to stay in the same hopeless ruts they've gotten themselves into and to undersell their full potential. I also find that the biggest obstacle that one must overcome in their process of change is fighting the preconceptions that the people you are closest to have formed about how you will always be. I have spent many years struggling past these prejudices to become the person I am today.
As I was growing up, there were several things my family could tell you about me without stopping to think: I was awkward and terrible at athletics and dancing, I could not cook even the simplest of dishes, I was clumsy and if there was a drink on the table I was likely to spill it (my ex-husband even bought me sippy cups for Christmas one year), and I was easily humiliated. If you asked my college year friends what my key characteristics were they would tell you that I was always the token topless chick at the party, I had a tendency to get drunk and make incredibly stupid decisions, I was a serial marrier (yeah I just made that word up, shut up), and my clothing was slutty goth. Before I came to Chicago people would say I was socially awkward, painfully shy, I was afraid of everything, unable to speak my mind, and lacking any tiny bit of self confidence.
What I have learned, over the past four years is that I am none of those things. No, dancing will never come naturally to me but when I have confidence and enjoy it, I'm actually quite a good dancer. I'm also incredibly athletic, just not in any kind of sporting activities I would have tried as a child. I'm also an amazing cook. I've been baking for years and slowly increasing my repertoire as time and study allows. Once I stopped worrying about being clumsy all the time, I became more graceful, my mistakes became fewer, and I learned to laugh at the silly things I sometimes still do. It is nearly impossible to embarrass me now because I no longer care about how everyone else will react. I am over my crazy party girl phase, I rarely get drunk, I haven't made any truly terrible relationship choices in quite a long time, I've sophisticated up my wardrobe without becoming a fashion clone, I have no problem making new friends or trying new things, I consider myself pretty fearless, and I'm not going to hold back from giving you a piece of my mind.
Most of this comes down to self confidence. I had it beaten down quite often over school and relationships and the people who only saw me as my flaws persisted in leaving me unable get it back. My family still asks if they're going to get food poisoning if I cook for a family function, my friends still make horrible jokes about my failed marriages and bad decisions, and everyone is shocked when I succeed after having screwed up so many times.
I have a friend who is quite a decent cook, he has made me dinner several times and I have had few complaints. However, when he moved in with his roommate (a chef instructor), she would constantly tell him everything he was doing wrong in his cooking and treated him like a dumb child. As the year progressed, his cooking would get progressively worse and he eventually stopped entirely, assumedly being convinced that he really wasn't good at cooking.
All of this makes me wonder why we, as friends and family, do not encourage the people we love to be their very best? Why do we only insist on seeing the things that have gone wrong and not allow people to grow into something other than how we see them? Please please please do not dwell on someone's former mistakes, constantly encourage them to aim higher, don't act surprised when they do something amazingly well, and allow them to change. It is possible.
In my humble opinion, it sounds like you (used to) hang out with very critical people! I agree, friends are supposed to lift us up, not bring us down by identifying our occasional flaws. I don't know you very well, Emily, but you seem like a very kind, compassionate person...I imagine you've been that way for most of your life. It's unfortunate that those closest to you didn't appreciate that, and were too busy complaining about a home cooked meal, ( something I see as a very big faux pas). We all are on our own life journey, and I hope you have been better able to find people that really see you, and not just your wardrobe choices or past party fouls. Keep your head up and if someone isn't adding something positive to your life, then you don't have space for them.
ReplyDeleteI hope my comments are appreciated… what I believe, is that everyone has the capacity for change, but few do. You are one of the fortunate ones that have been able to rise above your circumstances and past, despite everything; and have moved towards being the person that you have always wanted to be. I admire your outlook and passion, many people could learn from your example. Change doesn’t occur quickly, it’s a gradual change that is a struggle, and true change needs to survive the test of time. One of the priceless lessons I learned from my parents early on, is not to be too disappointed in people (family and friends) – as they will in some way, manner or form, eventually let you down. Another was not to be judgmental, as even making jokes about another’s failures is hurtful and insensitive – one should be encouraging and supportive. Thirdly, believe in yourself and don’t let people limit you by their words.
ReplyDeleteI am in similar circumstances that your friend is in (the decent cook), but one difference; my room-mate can’t cook to save her life – except if it is microwave dinners. She is very critical of the dishes that I make. I stopped cooking at home for the most part, but I have a lot of fun whenever I visit family, especially on Thanksgiving. I’m hoping your friend reads my comment – don’t let your room-mate limit you by criticism, it seems to be her that has the problems and not you.
One must want to change, and be motivated to change – otherwise, it’s virtually impossible. I really like this saying…
“A friend is one to whom you can pour out the contents of your heart, chaff and grain alike. Knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away.”
I think it's much more difficult for other people to change their views of someone than it is for people to change themselves.
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